I've lost count really.
The last few days have been really really bad. I've been so stressed out just trying to get things done that I've forgotten a lot about the essentials like eating, sleeping, drinking water and just plain having fun.
This has made a huge impediment to my thoughts and my lifestyle. I've forgotten what it's like to feel loved.
I've just had this added stress of having to do things, and for no costs. So I feel so unappreciated and so unloved to the point where I actually ended up cutting loose of a potential lover.
Why did I do this?
I can't handle relationships. Especially ones that are far far away.
It hurt me so much to make that decision. And I know that I can't go back. There is no going back. But I really have no choice.
I know what I want. I want a really happy and really loving relationship with someone. One where I don't need to doubt, think, worry about, be anxious about.
I want someone who can make me feel safe.
And I know damn well I haven't made him feel safe. Or maybe too safe.
I don't know.. I'm so empty right now. So inanimate and so disheartened.
I just don't want to give a shit about anyone.
Really bad day.. And I'm getting sick.. I can feel it.
Black Lisianthus x
10 months ago