Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day 79

Emotions: super happy, excited, having direction, positive, hopeful, momentous, envisioned, fruity


8 emotions, all positive! :D Yay!

SO what's been happening lately? Lots have been happening lately, so much that it's been super busy. i've actually made an effort to be more social lately, going out more, joining kick boxing, going to friend's VB games, speaking on MSN, working at that student placement place and really making a conscious effort to make an attempt to be assertive and show my interest in the certain projects that they are doing.

I even frantically searched for a Cert 4 course online last night and now.. and i finally FOUND what i was looking for... it took a while and different avenues.. but I think my good old university is the place to be! :D And i can fill my business card with all the degrees and qualifications that I have!! Yay!! :D

I guess it's when you have a goal, you will feel a need to fucken do it. You can't stop and you don't stop. You don't stop for seconds, you don't stop for what is second best. You have in your mind EXACTLY what you want and you fucken go out there and find it and say no to all the crap until you find what is yours! :D

It's been good lately. Really good. I've actually stopped caring so much about the past or what is behind me. Each day is a new day and I use up my energy in ways that I haven't used in ages... some people think that it's normal but for me it's an achievement that I can finally stand up again.

Eating has been ok... though i did so stuff to stuff my body over. I ate a sandwich under 5 minutes. Tha'ts unbelievable! for someone who eats as slow as I do. What you do is, you get two pieces of sandwich bread, whack in ham, cut the crusts off, cut into two triangles, and stack them on top of each other. so you're actually taking a freakin huge bit when you eat. The verdict? So freaking bad for you stomach.. especially if you are driving to somewhere and you are afraid of being late....

now THAT really fucks you over! way over! So over!  :S

So i've been on my meds in the last few days.. the other day OMG... it was bad... i had insomnia and i just couldn't sleep at allllll!!!! my stomach was like... you know what bitch, we're going to play with you.. and i wasn't even sure what was hurting.. my stomach or my heart.

so bad... :(

I've been doing a lot more counselling stuff lately than taking care of my fashion stuff... though there is a shoot this weekend, but i just don't think i can make it... i jsut can't be bothered. I have to get my assignments done so i can let go of one worry.

i fit in some guitar work today.. so that's good. At least that means that I had some fun with music... It was actually a musical day today.... lol.. wrote a song.. put some words to it.. does it mean anything.. not really... lol

anyways.. going to go back to counselling...

Black Lisianthus x

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 74

Wow... I wrote a whole lot of stuff, but it's disappeared... Well.. I can't get it back, and I can't find it either.. LOL.. oh well...

Maybe some things were just meant to be not said, and not recorded and not published.

Maybe some things are just not meant to be read by those who are not supposed to read it. LOL

Anyway.. I'm gonna look through some pictures and then go to bed! :D

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 65


Happy, warm, loved, funny, reflective, confident, inquisitive, feminine, studious, agitated, surprised, scared, focused, awe, fascination, confusion, good.

17 emotions, 13 positive, 3 negative, 1 in between.

Pretty good!! :D

I woke up with a really nice dream today and it coincidentally fit perfectly with my alarm. lol

basically what happened in the dream:

I was wearing my super mini shorts (which i wear to sleep some nights), a red t-shirt, and my over sized grey cardigan. i was walking down this street which in the dream I thought to be around fitzroy, carlton, brunswick area.. though it looked nothing like it. It was a beautiful and cultural place. Sort of like a market, with restaurants, cafes, butcher, fabric stores, market...

then I walked into the market area and it sold only fabric, and I saw a mother and child trying on fabric to to make these formal dresses for each other.

Then i kept walking along the street and it turned a little more city like (because I was walking towards the city) and then all these guys started to hassle me. Some of them I knew who they were, some I didn't. They started asking me "How much?" like I was some prostitute or something. i got really scared and angry. Two of the guys were actually friends of a friend of mine and they didn't do anything.

So i just continued to walk in my direction and the guys lost interested in me, but I was still scared, and one of them yelled out to me, "we're not talking about you anymore".

Then I saw some guy and a girl (who i think is my close friend). I started to walk after them, but they just kept walking away from me. Then they jumped on the back of a vehicle and was way ahead of me while i was chasing them. Their car stopped, and I caught up to them.

I started to sulk and told them the story of what happened when those boys were being annoying to me.

The guy then felt empathic for me and kissed me around my face, and made a louder popping sound when he kissed my ear.

Then everyone disappeared, and I was standing in front of a machine that showed you old photos, but in liquid form. I was looking for a while, then I felt someone behind me and tapped my back, and stuck a note on me.

The note was small and had love hearts and smiley faces on it and it said,


and that's when my alarm went off.. and it was the sweetest song... lol... I just woke up and smiled and thought.. OMG.. this is just like a HK drama. LOL

After that I went back to sleep. Was a little sick. Waste my time trying to wake up early and then just go back to sleep.. but as i thought this morning.. if i didn't even want to sleep last night til 3am, how would i wake up early..

I was awake for 20 hours yesterday.. i know so hard core. lol

my girl friend came over and we had a really good chat about everything and anything.

We've ignited each other's fire and passion for wanting to go to New York and make it big. lol

We said we would do it before 2012. We're going to do it! :D

I also got an email i think. i filtered that person's email but the email still came up in my inbox.. and I read like a small preview of it.. and it just sounded a little aggressive so I was like..

"I ain't going to read it".

I'm not ready to. I just moved it to another file and will read it when I'm ready.

i still feel embarassed.. but at the same time, I had to have said everything that I did. It was all too much and just eating me inside each day. Like I said yesterday, i feel so much more lighter, like I dropped off a heavy load. But I'm just still too scared to read what he has to say.

I said wayyyyyy to much. lol.. way toooo much...

But yeah.. I finished my assignment.. and will be starting the next one tomorrow or Sunday rather. Gotta do some reading tomorrow and maybe go back to writing my songs.

I'm trying to orchestrate another project for my fashion stuff.

My photography project is coming to an end, with the final photographers to do their shoots. I don't even know how many photo shoots I've done just yet. LOL I think all up I've gone to ...... 5. and another 3 to go.. LOl


anyway.. I do feel good. I bought myself a white eyeliner! :D will buy some eye lash glue!

I bought some corn, and thought about my sweet little birds... that used to love corn, and get their faces filled with corn and feathers stained in yellow. LOL

I also renewed my driver's licence! Got a new photo! Yay! No more young 21 year old! Proper 25 year old!

I also sent off a gift for my sponsor child. A hygiene book.

I also registered to be an organ donor.... now this is something that was quite big. I actually wanted to do it 4 years ago, but was too afraid to. Just the thought of dying scared me.

Now I"m old, if something happened to me, like I was brain dead, just take my organs. Take em. lol That would be something i needed to tell my parents and future partner ey.. Otherwise, when something does happen, and the doctors started to harvest me, they might feel a little like.. what the hell is going on??

Anyways. i'm gonna go to bed or something.. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Day 64


Anxious, embarassed, laughing, confused, more confusion, tired, productive, significant, scared, tired, embarassed, shock, disbelief, sadness, reflective, reminiscent, happiness, sadness, hope, reminiscent. 

Strange set of feelings today. 20 feeling words - 5 positive, 5 kind of unsure... 50/50 kind of ok

I started the extremely embarassed. I was really embarassed for what I did. Not only is the cat out of the bag, but a lot of things that had come out had come out.

I feel embarassed yes for making mysel into a fool. I do that all the time, so yeah, i have no shame.

I went to work... feel a little uncertain for what would happen. They didn't say anything.. and yes they didn't get my email either. Oh well.. what can you do.

I felt active, I felt good to be given an opportunity to get straight into the work rather than to do pointless crap. Only day 2 and I'm doing important things already.

Then on the way home...... long drive. It seriously is a long drive.. but it's shorter than going public.. public would take forever.

Got home from work.. still felt embarassed and stupid for what I did, was going to tell my girls about it, then I get an email.

Rather shocking and sad. Something that I have been actively volunteering in for a long time is closed. Not only closed but gone. Gone for good. Liquidated. Such a strong word.

It's so sad. i remember the first time I was there. I remember all the long nights. All those memories of all my friends that stayed up and talked to me through that time.

All the training I did. All the new skills and tools that I developed and learnt. All that happiness and support from everyone.

And now it's all gone. All gone. So that no one can help anyone else. Extremely excruciatingly sad.

My girlfriend came over earlier, to give me an intervention. Though, I don't have much to intervene. I know what an idiot I am. I know that. But I guess in some ways, those were things I held so tightly and each day it was just eating me. I needed to say what I needed to say. I needed to specifically tell that person all the things I needed to say. Now it's all out, and now it's gone.

I feel emptied out. Like everything is now gone from me. gone.

I'm too embarassed to even think about the person. Too embarassed to even talk to that person, or anything. I just don't want to have anything to do with this person. Which is a good thing for the situation. Because now I can fully just move on. I don't have anything to hold me back and I certainly don't want to communicate with this person.

I just feel blah, and very embarassed.

Though that aside, i know that there are so many things I want to do before 2012.

I made a pact with a friend that we would go to a place together. We would do it together. It would be easier that way. It's not so scary for me, if she was with me.

Gosh.. that sounded rather depressing and suicidal. lol..

No, we want to go to New York to try our luck. She in acting, me in fashion.

But my steps to take before I take the plunge is get my stuff out there where I live. Do and finish everything that I'm commited to, and just get it out of the way, then total focus.

I watched the whole biography of Tony Robbins yesterday... I dunno. i was feeling depressed and upset by everything that I was thinking about. It was Tony Robbin's story that gave me strength to just do it. Go out there and just do it. Don't hold anything back. just bang bam pow.

And I determined. I want to do it.

I'm sick of waiting. Waiting for what?

I accidentally went to this place where I would not go anymore. Accidentally.. Thank God nothing was there.

There are things I can avoid. And I'm glad it's done in places that I can avoid. I will avoid them, for a long while until I'm good.

This is my only bag of barley and my only ox left. I have nothing left. So i'm going to have to go out there and do it.

I have to save the world in another way.... i don't have that volunteering outlet anymore.. well.. I have another volunteering place that I haven't started yet, and yeah i will start that really soon.

Kickboxing... i might have to postpone?

Or i could give it a session and see how it goes. Got nothing to lose. Might fall in love with it.

Just so sleepy i can't sleep.

Black Lisianthus x 

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 62

Feelings today:

unsure, panicky, reassured, hopeful, happy, excited, reflective, entertained, annoyed, expressive, sneaky, sleepy

12 emotions = 8 are positive!

Yay! :D

Almost done my assignment, taht's due at the end of the week. lol.. I like to get ahead. WAY ahead! That and I have lots to do, so I can't afford to lose time!! Yay!

Black Lisianthus x

ps. Feeling mega loved! :D By who... i dunno.. by the universe. lol

Day 61

When you ask a good question you get a good answer.

The last post I wrote about was talking about how to get rid of these negative emotions. Today, I watched a video by Tony Robbins on YouTube and he was talking about emotions and human needs. I'm sure many people have watched this (well actually for an amazing video only about 1 million people watched it. Though, I would say a lot of people would rather watch cats do funny things than actually watch something that can potentially change your life).

Anyway.. this video... six human needs:

1. Certainty
2. Uncertainty
3. Significance
4. Loved
5. Growth
6. Giving

Working out where you fall into these needs, are you a person that needs to feel loved, or a person that needs to feel significant, or a person that needs certainty.....

Obviously these needs are different to Maslow's hierarchy of needs - but I guess you can classify these things under the "spritual" aspect of Maslow's needs. We all need certainty. We all need to know where we are, where we stand in a relationship, that we have money for the next day, that we know we have to things to do.

Having things to do is significance. We all need to feel significant. We need to feel loved by someone.

For me, at this moment, I need to feel certain about who I am to this person. I need to feel it. Because I have a striving need to feel loved by this person. To feel significant to this person. I'm lacking three of the six needs and this is what is making me tense.

Though, these are things that I cannot control. Can you see how I'm winning a losing battle? I cannot allow myself to be in a predicament where my feelings are controlled by someone else's actions. And most of the times this happens. This is the kind of person that I am.

So I do a counter balance thing that I only just worked out, is that because I am lacking those three things, I do things to fulfil it. I focus on structuring my life with a schedule to feel certainty; in order to feel more significant, I focus on all my fashion business things and make more and more ideas happen, to feel more significant.

Though the last one is difficult. I don't actually do anything as a substitute to make myself feel more loved.

Which is the detriment to my health.


Emotion is something else that Tony Robbins was talking about. Write down all the emotions you feel in a week and look at what you're feeling.

Most of the feels we feel each week are always something like happy, excited, frustrated, annoyed, pissed off, angry, sad, depression...

But more often, we feel those negative emotions rather than the positive ones and that's really bad.

I went through an entire few months, each day loving what the universe has given me, happy each day, laughing each day, with a beautiful glow of happiness that filled my heart.

I think that is my motivation. Why I am still wanting to make this happen. Because it was good.

It's funny how each person has a demon inside, but some people refuse to fight their demon and would rather numb it by focusing on other things. And formulating the

"sigh.. it's happening again... it's always like this"

The men who change for women always end up hurt, but the funny is, I don't want him to change. I just want him to be who he was when I first met him. Strange how he's just not the same anymore.

I just have to chose where to focus. Past. Present. or Future.

It's only when I make a decision of where I want to focus on, that is where I will be.

So for the past few weeks, I've been focusing on the past and then sulk at the present.

So I will focus on the future. What will I want from a relationship. What I want from a man. And let those positive vibes guide me to where I need to be.

I'm going to have to be more aware of my emotions. Just like how i first started out the blog - documenting my emotions for the day, and actually actively making an effort to look at those emotions at the end of the week, and see how I've been feeling that week.

That is my first step. I need to do this. I know what I am capable of. I know who I am. I know what I deserve, and I'm certain I will have it. I'm certain, it's not going to be that long.

alright. so my emotions today are:

shit, crap, blank, uninspired, angry, discontent, disappointed, sadness, blue, excited, happy, inspired

can you see how negative that was. Out of 12 emotions, only 3 were happy. O_O

Yikes... Gotta try to make it more balanced tomorrow... or at least tip the scale the other way around...

Black Lisianthus x

ps. You really should listen to Tony Robbins speak. He is amazing and can pump in some positive energy for you, for sure! You can listen to some stuff on YouTube, but his audio CDs are way more interesting and has more content... not time limited! :)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Day 58

I've started this blog really to try to change the way I am with all this negative energy, but what I've succeeded in doing is only driving myself insane with these negative feelings and very bad habits.

My goals were written so clearly -

"positive thinking, healthy dieting, a balanced and healthy lifestyle 

and to steer free from negativity - anger, stress, sadness, resentment, revenge, fear and guilt."

And I have done each and everyone of these things. So yes, I really need to reallly look at what I'm doing and stop it.


First and foremost I have lots of negative thinking going on. Lots.... how can i stop this.. I need to be aware of what I am thinking and which is negative and which is positive. I really need to be aware of this and to halt when it comes out as negative. Just Stop.

anger, stress, sadness, resentment, revenge, fear, guilt and jealousy

yes I have plenty of all of them. They all extend out from the same things and each and everyone of them feed each other. I've allowed them to go out of control to the point where I'm really sick. How do I get rid of these things...

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Day 57

This is soooo not happening. I'm sick as a bitch. This is so annoyingggggggg

I have like an assignment due next week which I have not finished ... i missed my student placement yesterday, and sent them an email but didn't and couldn't call them and let them know and now they haven't even replied my email.

I feel like i don't want to care about anything at the moment. I just want to get better. The weather is doing this, it maybe hot but maybe cold shit.

The good thing about being sick at the moment is that it's given me a chance to just sit still. Like literally sit still. I'm literally not doing anything but sitting in a blob just watching tv or sleeping... or on the internet.. i actually feel more sick today than i did the other days.

My mind is blank. so blank.

I want to be somewhere else right now. Be with different people. Maybe even just for a little while.

I have this urge to just "I'm moving to New York to be an elite Fashion Entreprenuer". lol

I'm scared of how far i can and will go to get this.

I've looked at hiring out a small studio place in the city somewhere and really focus on my business. I'm scared i'll stop all this counselling stuff and start doing this NEIS program and change my path, refocus and really get back in there. I think maybe I should defer. I don't mind working at the Trauma Centre, I really don't, but at the same time, I'm only following a timetable with ACAP. I don't want to be a counsellor just yet.

I feel like i've been cheating on my husband (fashion) and thinking this new relationship with this new guy (counselling) is working out.. but... he's just not the right one... I'm still really inlove with my husband....

Gees.... this is really doing my head in... but this is the existential anxiety that we need to push ourselves to get to the next stage... some people just do it without thinking, some people like me.. think their brains out.

sighhhh............ am i gonna take this leap?

at least i don't have to "I'm moving to New York to become a Fashion Entreprenuer".

Black Lisianthus x