Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 179

It's been 6 months of 2010 already and I dare say that I cannot believe I made it thus far.

Life is way too weird and it gets way more weird as each day unfolds and you start to see unfamiliar things, listen to things that you may not want to hear and feel all these strange and new feelings that torment me and stir up unwanted feelings.

I still wish in so many ways to just get up and leave and start a new life somewhere else and leave everything behind here. Everything.

I don't know whether life is supposed to be here or it's meant to be somewhere else. Or perhaps I don't want to have life here for now, and for the next few years, I feel as if life should be had elsewhere and then I will return.

Do I feel as if there is a place here?

Not really. I don't feel as if there is a worth being here.

I think that I did. I think that there was a person that I thought, yes, this person might be a reason for staying here, but this was all a fantasy and a dream.

I didn't really understand the cloud that was overpowering me, causing many nights where I just didn't want to sleep, and many days I just did not want to wake up. I thought it was just the sheer hatred for the person within me that couldn't find a job. But I have a job. A job that I go to, sometimes without purpose but for the fact that it's a routine and a place to go to do 'something', and some times, I don't know what that 'something' is until I'm there.

I just want to finish off my studies because I don't want to keep doing it anymore.

I do want a relationship and it's so apparent that no one really understands what's happening, nor do they want to understand.

I'm not even so sure whether people support what I'm doing, or what I want to do.

And it's fair because it's their opinion and not mine.

What makes me really fucked in the head is that I want to be loved for who I am.

I don't want to be "Oh she's ok" to someone. I've had that experience before and it didn't end up in a good place at all. Have I gotten over that experience, probably not. Do I want to confront the guy? I don't know. I don't see how that would solve anyone's problems, perhaps just solve mine, but this is a guy that is so broken up inside that anything that goes on will shatter him.

I don't want to be the girl that someone "will give it a go and see what happens". No I don't want that.

I want to be someone's, "Yup, she's the one that I've been waiting for." the girl that someone will willingly do things for, sit by my side, want to make me smile, show me his world and love me and let me love him.

I don't want to try hard for anyone. Is that love? Is love meant for a girl to try hard to get and try hard to keep. NO

and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of having to try to make up a relationship with someone who didn't even bother to try. and if you think that moving three centimetres than I'm sorry, I think it's more of your own motivation and what you want, than what you actually think is right for me.

Do I feel loved by the people that I love?

Not really. And I know I am slowly moving away from people. Placing all my emotions and my experiences and beliefs into small containers and storing them away. Who is close to me, who is not.

Who actually wants to be my friend for life and who has other intentions.

I feel like I"m in such a hellish place and it's doing my head in at the moment. I don't enjoy any moment of it. I don't enjoy where I live each day. I don't enjoy what I do each day, that sort of routine that I have.

I still want to wake up everyday in a different place. Facing a window, overlooking something beautiful. The sea, the mountains, the gardens, the hills.

I want to wake up next to someone I feel warm next to. Someone who will give me a chance to see a world that I have not yet seen and have not experienced.

I want to feel apart of a loving and warm place with people who value me, respect me, and care for me.

i want to wake up each day not having to think or get angry with things that I cannot control, that I don't want to control and I don't want to be apart of.

I don't want to be apart of that person's life. At all.

and even if that person wanted something to do with my life, it's up to that person to do something about it and not for me to even think about. Me thinking about it only makes it worse for me. But quite frankly, despite what you think, or what you know, I KNOW that I don't see a future with that person. I don't want to be that person who has to endure that unsolicited or unpredictable temperament, where I don't know when he will react or he will ok.

I'm the one who has to live the rest of my life. I'm the one who will be the one to wake up next to this person and share a life with this person, not anyone else.

so, yes, I think that I have a say in what I do, and who I want to be with, and I don't need to justify this to anyone, nor do I have to have support.

But it gets to the point of whether or not I believe that when something bad does happen, do I have anyone to turn to, do I have anyone that will still support me, or will I just endure it alone.

If it came down to my choice, possibly, keeping it to myself will be th easier option. Whether I am happy or not, only I will ever know. Perhaps, I really need to rethink about my direction, and re-think about what exactly I want to do with my life and where exactly do I want to be.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Day 141

Almost midway

I have to say i have accomplished quite a bit in the last month. It actually feels good, but a little boredome creeps up on me as now i haved finished doing what i hve to do in terms of study.

i have actually made a lot of changes lately and still in some ways feeling the repercussions of what i've done.

i've basically steered clear of a friend because i just felt that it was not healthy that we were always relying on each other and she really need to go her own way to figure out what she needs to figure out and i just didn't want this drama and chaos in my life.

next week i'm starting paid work which is really exciting. I haven't actually found a place where i wanted to work in for a long time. I guess this is the first organisation that i actually feel really apart of and really comfortable. I see potential, though where i can climb too doesn't seem to be that far away. So i know for sure there needs to be another horizon in the picture so that i can go further. so i'm actually quite happy and happilly looking into further study.

in terms of relationships, i'm really fed up. I really want to have a relationship now. I accidentally, or i guess, very luckily came across a tony robbins clip on youtube today because it was in my recommended videos for you bit... and it's not a new one. i've seen it before but what stood out to me was what tony said about relationship

"how can you say you want to be in a relationship but you don't want to make any commitments and you don't want to think of a life with anyone else"

major conflict.

I'm guilty of it. I know that. NOt the thinking of being with someone, but the refusing to commit to anything part. Lived in a comfortable cycle for so long that i just didn't want to man up and just pick a place to work for the fear of being bored, being fired, or just not fitting in.

i'm making a change and am thinking in a longer term view. I guess the major outlook into life that i need to make is to think about the staples in life and things that will tie me down. Although, that's not the reason why I want to do further study.

I really want him to come into my life now. I'm ready. I'm ready and willing to commit. I'm ready to pick the right guy, someone who seems to fit right in to my life and just be with him. yes i am.

I really am.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 110

Emotions - accomplished, tired, overworked, less stressed

It's already one third of the way through the year, 110 days. Now that's a long time... interestingly enough, that's about the same amount of time I used so far to get this exhibition going. LOL. I guess it does take a long time to organise something, especially a project this big.

All i can say is that I've learnt a lot about life in general with this project, and i actually feel a little over photography. lol. well for now at the very least.

So over it! I realised just how much I've done in the last few months, weeks, days. I've finished my assignments that are due so far, and have another two on the way. I really do need to make a start on them. Don't you see how crap that is! But i won't start today though.. I've racked my brain enough today..

I've met a lot of people.. Hassled a lot of people. Like non-stop hassling. LOL. You have to if you're under pressure. The more people drag you behind, the more pressure and stress they've caused for you. So what I do is, I'd rather pressure them now, get them to finish of what is required way ahead of time, so that gives me more time to make sure everything is done, rather than have to rack my own brain in the end because other people can't get their stuff done.

I was disappointed with one group though. They promised a great deal of excitement and took some amazing pictures, though in the end, they never went ahead with what they had said and in the end, only submitted a few pictures.

I guess in life there's a great deal of people who only talk but never live up to their words. Though, for me, I know for sure that I don't want to be like that. i want to live to my word. Attract others who live up to theirs.

because that is how I roll.


That's all for now.

Eating and sleeping... I've actually fucked up my habits a bit here and there... started taking meds again. OMG.. my eyes are so bad now. Which is really crap!

But otherwise, on the whole I'm ok. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Day 99

Feeling drained and really tired at the moment. Maybe I should just go to bed soon.

I"ve been running around all day, and reading, focused on studies, focused on my fashion stuff.. found a few editorial contacts... sent some emails, now i'm just really tired.

Really really tired.

And it's making me feel really negative at the moment. Just really drained. Starting to burn out. I feel just feel all these bad thoughts coming up to the surface. At least at this moment there's no one here so I don't have to be happy. i don't want to look at photos, or that video we did the other day. i'm just really tired. I don't want to read either.

I'm starting to really think of bad stuff. I"m getting burnt out. This sucks. There's so much i have to think about, and so much I don't actually know what I'm doing.

Everything is going really well in terms of my counselling/training/business career, but my fashion stuff, well that's a different story. I dunno when i'll be able to make clothes, or even design clothes. I kind of think to myself, do I even want to design stuff?

Do i even want to put myself in a place where it's just indulging in that sort of fashion world out there?

Or do i much prefer the stuff i do now? I mean, personally i do like training. I do like talking to people, i do like consulting people. I do like having that ability to talk someone into believing in themselves. To reaffirm certain things in their life.

I don't know.. maybe i'm just really tired. I think I will go to bed. Sleep.

Black Lisianthus x

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 95

Emotions - Happiness,excitement, quizzical, uncertainty, puzzled, disappointed

It's already day 95, so close to one third of the year. I've been generally really happy these days. If anything it's been awesome. Getting together with friends, getting things done, working closely with work, achieving what I want, and even a small romance.

But what puzzles me at this moment, on this night is whether people truly share things with you. Only sometimes do we actually give a shared response? If that makes sense.

I guess what I mean is that, when people are generally in a low mood, they tend to pick up on low moods rather than on happier things.

I've been in a good place. Really good place. A place where people who love me reside and actively show me love. I think it's rubbing off people and it's making them approach other people more. Or to what it looks like in my own brain. LOL.

I've been studying a new psychological theory, and it's been really interesting in explaining the how people interact or make transactions with one another.

Very interesting.. thought it's really complex and is really designed for people who are quite intellectual to understand, because it's really difficult.. and so we've identified the behaviour and the patterns, how to we change it?

They focus a lot on the thesis of these "Games" and then give the anti-thesis... which still does my head in, trying to understand it. I guess, at the end of the day, if we are just adults and just respond as adults, we avoid all fights.

But, there are time when we need to feel childish, or to arise to the parent position if our friend or spouse or family member needs to be parented - as my friend wanted to sook to me because she hurt herself.

I dunno if i mentioned in the last blog.... but i got my booking for the venue for the exhibition i've been working on.. so that's mega.

i feel so much better that i'm changing my sleeping, eating and general living habits. I wake up at 8.00am every day, i try to eat as healthy as possible (although, still very little), and i'm doing more sports and getting out there.

I am starting to think about how i react to things and the kind of behaviour that i put forth. I can be quite childish... i dunno why. I don't know why i take on such a childish nature when it comes to relationships. I guess because of my inner pain? that's associated with relationships? I dunno.. well that's my question, and i know i will get my answer soon.

Black Lisianthus x

Friday, April 2, 2010

Day 86

emotions - tired, reflective, happy, flirty, wise, disappointed, confused, lonely, content, important. 

It's been a week since I last wrote. I seem to have a trend to write on Thursdays. I'm actually feeling rather run down at the moment. I've been really busy in the last few days and weeks, since trying to finish off my assignment (which I did, one week before the due date)!

My weekend was kind of interesting. Just finished my assignment off, went out for drinks, caught up with someone I actually wanted to see... Monday I went for a long walk after I handed in a hardcopy of my assignment and just thought about what it would be like to have someone walk with me on my long walk to the new DFO.

That night was interesting. The person that i wanted to walk with me... said something weird to me. So i told him I was hurt by what he said, and he didn't really say anything else to me. He just ran from it. Suppose that's a good thing, so if he couldn't handle that, what would he actually do in a real conflict, just give up and go?

Tuesday.... I did a bit of tv watching, followed by some catch up reading and then some kick boxing and catching up with my friend. It was a good night. I should've brought more clothes or longer pants, because it was freezing for the rest of the night.

Wednesday... was a long day at work... and at two times during the day felt really queezy and really needed to eat. Just felt really faint and weak. I must eat. If I don't eat my body goes weird. it scares me a little sometimes. But it's hard to eat on time... but as I'm getting older, my body is teaching me that I must eat at all times, for if not.. I will get sick.

I will bow to you, my body.

Today i've just been hit hard.. ok not so hard.. not as hard as the last time i got really sick, but i'm run down. My lymph glands are hurting, shoulders, underarms, neck.... all the lymphy ones.. all hurting... makes me weary of whether i have hodgkins... but i doubt it.. it's not like it was random... or was it?


i watched this doco today.. one of my friends told me about it...

"50 years! Of Love?" on SBS Two.

Was quite interesting listening to them talk about how to sustain a marriage for over 50 years. They first started talking about how they met each other and what they thought of each other. It wasn't anything like coming from a romantic movie or anything.. lol.. not like she walked in class and he just couldn't take her eyes off her. There was one indian couple who've been together for 60+ years who were together because his mother thought that she was the one and wanted her to come over to his place all the time.

There was none of the sex before marriage, or living together before marriage. It was just dating, and then they got married, and then the sex started from there... Like one of the men said, "Today, sex is a taboo, tomorrow sex is expected" (he may not have used expected... but something along the lines of that). They interviewed a family in South Africa, an 84 yr old man who had 15 wives, 94 children, and was still able to do a "6-game" night or a "5-game" night with his many wives. Each lady had one week with him before he made the rotations to the next. All the wives got a long fine with each other - they learnt to love each other, because the first wife was a good person.. and so the others followed.

On the contrary to this, the interviewer shared a concern with the indian man and said that he feared that marriage may restrict his freedom, like what if he wanted to have other girlfriends in the future. The wise indian man said, "well, then you will have your girlfriends. But you have your girlfriends and you may not be happy. But if you're destined to be unhappy, then you will be.... everything is predetermined". I thought that was deep.

The indian couple also spoke of a period in life where you just turn to God and you just have no urge to have sex - that you both walk towards spiritualism and bond. It just made me re-think about where I am now, and whether I've stepped too far into spiritiualism and perhaps, is that the reason why I have not been going to the temple?

I'm still young. I still have things I need to do. Things I need to see. People I need to meet.

Towards the end of the doco, there was a little bit about the american couple - where the husband was in hospital. You could see the tears in her eyes when she was talking about what happened, and how she was in the bathroom, and the cat wanted to go outside and he walked over to let the cat out and then "THUMP!" He was on the floor.

She later had a telephone call from him, and she was asking, "Are you ok? Have you eaten? Did you eat everything on the tray? Ok, I'll see you soon".

The next day (or at least the next segment of the doco) he walks towards the door and yells out, "Hello, anybody home".. and you could just hear that laughter, that high pitched screechy laughter or relief, joy, love... she opens the door and they just hug, still laughing. They give each other a kiss, hug.. walk inside, sit down and she's like, "Why didn't you tell me you were coming home..... oh.. i forogt.. i'm cooking on the stove."

"You better go get that."

lol. Each couple fought - it was just a different way of communicating. lol

They talked about divorce. And how to the couples, divorce was just not on the picture. You just had to learn to accept the differences, accept the faults and try to work through it.

They talked about having space - whether through travelling or work or whatever, but it was necessary to give each other time, so that he can reflect on what a great prize he has, what a great wife he has. lol. As they know that they cannot have this relationship forever, someone will pass away before the other. If you've never had this space apart from each other, it would be very difficult in the to handle that situation.

So what happens at the end. Well the two people who did the documentary decide to get married.

I probably didn't do this doco justice in the really brief and very summarised version of it, but I will say that after watching it, I did feel a warmness about the whole notion of what love is. Though, I question, do we make it a lot more complex than it really is?

When can we ever find that perfect soul mate, that perfect match?

One of the people in the doco said, "Sometimes you are lucky and you meet someone who likes what you like". So i'm taking it, that sometimes you're not as lucky. However, in today's world, if you found that person that doesn't like what you like, then automatically you think, BOOM not a good match.

I blame consumerism.

And I don't mean those russian mail order brides.

We have too much choice. We have too many options, variations, functions, colours, sizes.... If this isn't good, what about this one, which is similar has more functions and does more things! Woahh..

But more and more we forget, what brings us together in the beginning is that intial physical attraction. Then with more chances of communication (whether face to face or e-communication or cell-communication) we might find ourselves either more in love or not.

And now we have this new thing about being weary of players and people who don't want to commit.

The "He's just not into you" shit and the "you're not the exception, you're the rule".

The pick up artists and the shit that they do.

What happened to just pure simple love. I think you're pretty cute, I like the feeling I get when I'm with you.

All these different terms - seeing, dating, official, unofficial, exclusive, not exclusive - quoting the boy who commented on one of my youtube vids - suck dick!

I'm old fashioned. I truly am. I still believe in the whole "Boy Meets Girl" (Tuuyen u still have my book!)

I still believe that when someone is truly interested in you, they want to know about you. They want to know everything about you. They want to spend time with you. They want to see you. Hear your voice. Be with you.

I still believe in trust, honesty, respect, support, love and care. I believe in being truly who you are, and just offering what you have to offer, instead of hiding behind some fucked up masks that fucked up pick-up artists wear to get girls in bed. Is that where you want to be only? In bed? Then fuck you!

One of the first things that one of the husbands says in the beginning of the doco is

"It's good to have a wife, kids, a family. I would think it would be really sad to be single and live the rest of your life single. It would really be sad."

And that's what we all fear.

And we also fear incompatibility.

Fighting. Rejection. Abandonment. Lonliness.

And the ultimate fear of marriages - divorce - the reliquishment of all the naive childhood fantasies and thoughts you had as a child about what your wife and married life will look like. I'm pretty sure no one went into a marriage thinking it was going to be all about the fighting.

I don't think anyone gets into a relationship and thinks that.

Our heart does crazy things ey? Physical attraction gets your attention. The flirting makes you eager. The honeymoon period lures you in futher. And THEN the relationship starts.

And some people just can't get there. It's too difficult.

I love seeing my friends who are in love. Because they've found that person that they've decided, I'm ready to take this person's shit (not literal). I'm ready to take on this person's crazy (women are fucken crazy).

But we all just crave and want a damn relationship, but when will we learn from our own mistakes and from others - just what is fucken realistic and whether we are ACTUALLY prepared for it.

Or do we just continue to lust after one person after the other?

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day 79

Emotions: super happy, excited, having direction, positive, hopeful, momentous, envisioned, fruity


8 emotions, all positive! :D Yay!

SO what's been happening lately? Lots have been happening lately, so much that it's been super busy. i've actually made an effort to be more social lately, going out more, joining kick boxing, going to friend's VB games, speaking on MSN, working at that student placement place and really making a conscious effort to make an attempt to be assertive and show my interest in the certain projects that they are doing.

I even frantically searched for a Cert 4 course online last night and now.. and i finally FOUND what i was looking for... it took a while and different avenues.. but I think my good old university is the place to be! :D And i can fill my business card with all the degrees and qualifications that I have!! Yay!! :D

I guess it's when you have a goal, you will feel a need to fucken do it. You can't stop and you don't stop. You don't stop for seconds, you don't stop for what is second best. You have in your mind EXACTLY what you want and you fucken go out there and find it and say no to all the crap until you find what is yours! :D

It's been good lately. Really good. I've actually stopped caring so much about the past or what is behind me. Each day is a new day and I use up my energy in ways that I haven't used in ages... some people think that it's normal but for me it's an achievement that I can finally stand up again.

Eating has been ok... though i did so stuff to stuff my body over. I ate a sandwich under 5 minutes. Tha'ts unbelievable! for someone who eats as slow as I do. What you do is, you get two pieces of sandwich bread, whack in ham, cut the crusts off, cut into two triangles, and stack them on top of each other. so you're actually taking a freakin huge bit when you eat. The verdict? So freaking bad for you stomach.. especially if you are driving to somewhere and you are afraid of being late....

now THAT really fucks you over! way over! So over!  :S

So i've been on my meds in the last few days.. the other day OMG... it was bad... i had insomnia and i just couldn't sleep at allllll!!!! my stomach was like... you know what bitch, we're going to play with you.. and i wasn't even sure what was hurting.. my stomach or my heart.

so bad... :(

I've been doing a lot more counselling stuff lately than taking care of my fashion stuff... though there is a shoot this weekend, but i just don't think i can make it... i jsut can't be bothered. I have to get my assignments done so i can let go of one worry.

i fit in some guitar work today.. so that's good. At least that means that I had some fun with music... It was actually a musical day today.... lol.. wrote a song.. put some words to it.. does it mean anything.. not really... lol

anyways.. going to go back to counselling...

Black Lisianthus x

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 74

Wow... I wrote a whole lot of stuff, but it's disappeared... Well.. I can't get it back, and I can't find it either.. LOL.. oh well...

Maybe some things were just meant to be not said, and not recorded and not published.

Maybe some things are just not meant to be read by those who are not supposed to read it. LOL

Anyway.. I'm gonna look through some pictures and then go to bed! :D

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 65


Happy, warm, loved, funny, reflective, confident, inquisitive, feminine, studious, agitated, surprised, scared, focused, awe, fascination, confusion, good.

17 emotions, 13 positive, 3 negative, 1 in between.

Pretty good!! :D

I woke up with a really nice dream today and it coincidentally fit perfectly with my alarm. lol

basically what happened in the dream:

I was wearing my super mini shorts (which i wear to sleep some nights), a red t-shirt, and my over sized grey cardigan. i was walking down this street which in the dream I thought to be around fitzroy, carlton, brunswick area.. though it looked nothing like it. It was a beautiful and cultural place. Sort of like a market, with restaurants, cafes, butcher, fabric stores, market...

then I walked into the market area and it sold only fabric, and I saw a mother and child trying on fabric to to make these formal dresses for each other.

Then i kept walking along the street and it turned a little more city like (because I was walking towards the city) and then all these guys started to hassle me. Some of them I knew who they were, some I didn't. They started asking me "How much?" like I was some prostitute or something. i got really scared and angry. Two of the guys were actually friends of a friend of mine and they didn't do anything.

So i just continued to walk in my direction and the guys lost interested in me, but I was still scared, and one of them yelled out to me, "we're not talking about you anymore".

Then I saw some guy and a girl (who i think is my close friend). I started to walk after them, but they just kept walking away from me. Then they jumped on the back of a vehicle and was way ahead of me while i was chasing them. Their car stopped, and I caught up to them.

I started to sulk and told them the story of what happened when those boys were being annoying to me.

The guy then felt empathic for me and kissed me around my face, and made a louder popping sound when he kissed my ear.

Then everyone disappeared, and I was standing in front of a machine that showed you old photos, but in liquid form. I was looking for a while, then I felt someone behind me and tapped my back, and stuck a note on me.

The note was small and had love hearts and smiley faces on it and it said,


and that's when my alarm went off.. and it was the sweetest song... lol... I just woke up and smiled and thought.. OMG.. this is just like a HK drama. LOL

After that I went back to sleep. Was a little sick. Waste my time trying to wake up early and then just go back to sleep.. but as i thought this morning.. if i didn't even want to sleep last night til 3am, how would i wake up early..

I was awake for 20 hours yesterday.. i know so hard core. lol

my girl friend came over and we had a really good chat about everything and anything.

We've ignited each other's fire and passion for wanting to go to New York and make it big. lol

We said we would do it before 2012. We're going to do it! :D

I also got an email i think. i filtered that person's email but the email still came up in my inbox.. and I read like a small preview of it.. and it just sounded a little aggressive so I was like..

"I ain't going to read it".

I'm not ready to. I just moved it to another file and will read it when I'm ready.

i still feel embarassed.. but at the same time, I had to have said everything that I did. It was all too much and just eating me inside each day. Like I said yesterday, i feel so much more lighter, like I dropped off a heavy load. But I'm just still too scared to read what he has to say.

I said wayyyyyy to much. lol.. way toooo much...

But yeah.. I finished my assignment.. and will be starting the next one tomorrow or Sunday rather. Gotta do some reading tomorrow and maybe go back to writing my songs.

I'm trying to orchestrate another project for my fashion stuff.

My photography project is coming to an end, with the final photographers to do their shoots. I don't even know how many photo shoots I've done just yet. LOL I think all up I've gone to ...... 5. and another 3 to go.. LOl


anyway.. I do feel good. I bought myself a white eyeliner! :D will buy some eye lash glue!

I bought some corn, and thought about my sweet little birds... that used to love corn, and get their faces filled with corn and feathers stained in yellow. LOL

I also renewed my driver's licence! Got a new photo! Yay! No more young 21 year old! Proper 25 year old!

I also sent off a gift for my sponsor child. A hygiene book.

I also registered to be an organ donor.... now this is something that was quite big. I actually wanted to do it 4 years ago, but was too afraid to. Just the thought of dying scared me.

Now I"m old, if something happened to me, like I was brain dead, just take my organs. Take em. lol That would be something i needed to tell my parents and future partner ey.. Otherwise, when something does happen, and the doctors started to harvest me, they might feel a little like.. what the hell is going on??

Anyways. i'm gonna go to bed or something.. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Day 64


Anxious, embarassed, laughing, confused, more confusion, tired, productive, significant, scared, tired, embarassed, shock, disbelief, sadness, reflective, reminiscent, happiness, sadness, hope, reminiscent. 

Strange set of feelings today. 20 feeling words - 5 positive, 5 kind of unsure... 50/50 kind of ok

I started the extremely embarassed. I was really embarassed for what I did. Not only is the cat out of the bag, but a lot of things that had come out had come out.

I feel embarassed yes for making mysel into a fool. I do that all the time, so yeah, i have no shame.

I went to work... feel a little uncertain for what would happen. They didn't say anything.. and yes they didn't get my email either. Oh well.. what can you do.

I felt active, I felt good to be given an opportunity to get straight into the work rather than to do pointless crap. Only day 2 and I'm doing important things already.

Then on the way home...... long drive. It seriously is a long drive.. but it's shorter than going public.. public would take forever.

Got home from work.. still felt embarassed and stupid for what I did, was going to tell my girls about it, then I get an email.

Rather shocking and sad. Something that I have been actively volunteering in for a long time is closed. Not only closed but gone. Gone for good. Liquidated. Such a strong word.

It's so sad. i remember the first time I was there. I remember all the long nights. All those memories of all my friends that stayed up and talked to me through that time.

All the training I did. All the new skills and tools that I developed and learnt. All that happiness and support from everyone.

And now it's all gone. All gone. So that no one can help anyone else. Extremely excruciatingly sad.

My girlfriend came over earlier, to give me an intervention. Though, I don't have much to intervene. I know what an idiot I am. I know that. But I guess in some ways, those were things I held so tightly and each day it was just eating me. I needed to say what I needed to say. I needed to specifically tell that person all the things I needed to say. Now it's all out, and now it's gone.

I feel emptied out. Like everything is now gone from me. gone.

I'm too embarassed to even think about the person. Too embarassed to even talk to that person, or anything. I just don't want to have anything to do with this person. Which is a good thing for the situation. Because now I can fully just move on. I don't have anything to hold me back and I certainly don't want to communicate with this person.

I just feel blah, and very embarassed.

Though that aside, i know that there are so many things I want to do before 2012.

I made a pact with a friend that we would go to a place together. We would do it together. It would be easier that way. It's not so scary for me, if she was with me.

Gosh.. that sounded rather depressing and suicidal. lol..

No, we want to go to New York to try our luck. She in acting, me in fashion.

But my steps to take before I take the plunge is get my stuff out there where I live. Do and finish everything that I'm commited to, and just get it out of the way, then total focus.

I watched the whole biography of Tony Robbins yesterday... I dunno. i was feeling depressed and upset by everything that I was thinking about. It was Tony Robbin's story that gave me strength to just do it. Go out there and just do it. Don't hold anything back. just bang bam pow.

And I determined. I want to do it.

I'm sick of waiting. Waiting for what?

I accidentally went to this place where I would not go anymore. Accidentally.. Thank God nothing was there.

There are things I can avoid. And I'm glad it's done in places that I can avoid. I will avoid them, for a long while until I'm good.

This is my only bag of barley and my only ox left. I have nothing left. So i'm going to have to go out there and do it.

I have to save the world in another way.... i don't have that volunteering outlet anymore.. well.. I have another volunteering place that I haven't started yet, and yeah i will start that really soon.

Kickboxing... i might have to postpone?

Or i could give it a session and see how it goes. Got nothing to lose. Might fall in love with it.

Just so sleepy i can't sleep.

Black Lisianthus x 

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 62

Feelings today:

unsure, panicky, reassured, hopeful, happy, excited, reflective, entertained, annoyed, expressive, sneaky, sleepy

12 emotions = 8 are positive!

Yay! :D

Almost done my assignment, taht's due at the end of the week. lol.. I like to get ahead. WAY ahead! That and I have lots to do, so I can't afford to lose time!! Yay!

Black Lisianthus x

ps. Feeling mega loved! :D By who... i dunno.. by the universe. lol

Day 61

When you ask a good question you get a good answer.

The last post I wrote about was talking about how to get rid of these negative emotions. Today, I watched a video by Tony Robbins on YouTube and he was talking about emotions and human needs. I'm sure many people have watched this (well actually for an amazing video only about 1 million people watched it. Though, I would say a lot of people would rather watch cats do funny things than actually watch something that can potentially change your life).

Anyway.. this video... six human needs:

1. Certainty
2. Uncertainty
3. Significance
4. Loved
5. Growth
6. Giving

Working out where you fall into these needs, are you a person that needs to feel loved, or a person that needs to feel significant, or a person that needs certainty.....

Obviously these needs are different to Maslow's hierarchy of needs - but I guess you can classify these things under the "spritual" aspect of Maslow's needs. We all need certainty. We all need to know where we are, where we stand in a relationship, that we have money for the next day, that we know we have to things to do.

Having things to do is significance. We all need to feel significant. We need to feel loved by someone.

For me, at this moment, I need to feel certain about who I am to this person. I need to feel it. Because I have a striving need to feel loved by this person. To feel significant to this person. I'm lacking three of the six needs and this is what is making me tense.

Though, these are things that I cannot control. Can you see how I'm winning a losing battle? I cannot allow myself to be in a predicament where my feelings are controlled by someone else's actions. And most of the times this happens. This is the kind of person that I am.

So I do a counter balance thing that I only just worked out, is that because I am lacking those three things, I do things to fulfil it. I focus on structuring my life with a schedule to feel certainty; in order to feel more significant, I focus on all my fashion business things and make more and more ideas happen, to feel more significant.

Though the last one is difficult. I don't actually do anything as a substitute to make myself feel more loved.

Which is the detriment to my health.


Emotion is something else that Tony Robbins was talking about. Write down all the emotions you feel in a week and look at what you're feeling.

Most of the feels we feel each week are always something like happy, excited, frustrated, annoyed, pissed off, angry, sad, depression...

But more often, we feel those negative emotions rather than the positive ones and that's really bad.

I went through an entire few months, each day loving what the universe has given me, happy each day, laughing each day, with a beautiful glow of happiness that filled my heart.

I think that is my motivation. Why I am still wanting to make this happen. Because it was good.

It's funny how each person has a demon inside, but some people refuse to fight their demon and would rather numb it by focusing on other things. And formulating the

"sigh.. it's happening again... it's always like this"

The men who change for women always end up hurt, but the funny is, I don't want him to change. I just want him to be who he was when I first met him. Strange how he's just not the same anymore.

I just have to chose where to focus. Past. Present. or Future.

It's only when I make a decision of where I want to focus on, that is where I will be.

So for the past few weeks, I've been focusing on the past and then sulk at the present.

So I will focus on the future. What will I want from a relationship. What I want from a man. And let those positive vibes guide me to where I need to be.

I'm going to have to be more aware of my emotions. Just like how i first started out the blog - documenting my emotions for the day, and actually actively making an effort to look at those emotions at the end of the week, and see how I've been feeling that week.

That is my first step. I need to do this. I know what I am capable of. I know who I am. I know what I deserve, and I'm certain I will have it. I'm certain, it's not going to be that long.

alright. so my emotions today are:

shit, crap, blank, uninspired, angry, discontent, disappointed, sadness, blue, excited, happy, inspired

can you see how negative that was. Out of 12 emotions, only 3 were happy. O_O

Yikes... Gotta try to make it more balanced tomorrow... or at least tip the scale the other way around...

Black Lisianthus x

ps. You really should listen to Tony Robbins speak. He is amazing and can pump in some positive energy for you, for sure! You can listen to some stuff on YouTube, but his audio CDs are way more interesting and has more content... not time limited! :)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Day 58

I've started this blog really to try to change the way I am with all this negative energy, but what I've succeeded in doing is only driving myself insane with these negative feelings and very bad habits.

My goals were written so clearly -

"positive thinking, healthy dieting, a balanced and healthy lifestyle 

and to steer free from negativity - anger, stress, sadness, resentment, revenge, fear and guilt."

And I have done each and everyone of these things. So yes, I really need to reallly look at what I'm doing and stop it.


First and foremost I have lots of negative thinking going on. Lots.... how can i stop this.. I need to be aware of what I am thinking and which is negative and which is positive. I really need to be aware of this and to halt when it comes out as negative. Just Stop.

anger, stress, sadness, resentment, revenge, fear, guilt and jealousy

yes I have plenty of all of them. They all extend out from the same things and each and everyone of them feed each other. I've allowed them to go out of control to the point where I'm really sick. How do I get rid of these things...

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Day 57

This is soooo not happening. I'm sick as a bitch. This is so annoyingggggggg

I have like an assignment due next week which I have not finished ... i missed my student placement yesterday, and sent them an email but didn't and couldn't call them and let them know and now they haven't even replied my email.

I feel like i don't want to care about anything at the moment. I just want to get better. The weather is doing this, it maybe hot but maybe cold shit.

The good thing about being sick at the moment is that it's given me a chance to just sit still. Like literally sit still. I'm literally not doing anything but sitting in a blob just watching tv or sleeping... or on the internet.. i actually feel more sick today than i did the other days.

My mind is blank. so blank.

I want to be somewhere else right now. Be with different people. Maybe even just for a little while.

I have this urge to just "I'm moving to New York to be an elite Fashion Entreprenuer". lol

I'm scared of how far i can and will go to get this.

I've looked at hiring out a small studio place in the city somewhere and really focus on my business. I'm scared i'll stop all this counselling stuff and start doing this NEIS program and change my path, refocus and really get back in there. I think maybe I should defer. I don't mind working at the Trauma Centre, I really don't, but at the same time, I'm only following a timetable with ACAP. I don't want to be a counsellor just yet.

I feel like i've been cheating on my husband (fashion) and thinking this new relationship with this new guy (counselling) is working out.. but... he's just not the right one... I'm still really inlove with my husband....

Gees.... this is really doing my head in... but this is the existential anxiety that we need to push ourselves to get to the next stage... some people just do it without thinking, some people like me.. think their brains out.

sighhhh............ am i gonna take this leap?

at least i don't have to "I'm moving to New York to become a Fashion Entreprenuer".

Black Lisianthus x

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Day 53

hrm... I woke up sick yesterday and today. Yesterday I felt like I had this fever... my whole body was just really hot, but cold at times.. today I woke up cold. I'm run down. Very run down.

I've been trying to get my mind around my assignment.. I mean.. it's not really progressing as far as I would hope it to, but it's getting somewhere... there's more shit in it than the last time I started, so that's better than nothing. I'm reading all these different articles and books and shit.. am i learning anything new... not really.. sucks how you can't just be assessed on attendance.......... sucky suck suck!

i can't wait for the second assignment though.. practical and a self-critique.. what I like.... but this one is reflective, about myself, my family and how it will affect me in the future... *roll eyes*

whenever I do assignments, i get into this mode. This "OMG-FRICKING-ANNOYED" mood. LOL

Am I sleeping well.. I am actually.. I'm shit tired by the end of the night because I would be doing something and in the morning, well.. in the last few days.. i've been forced to wake up earlier and the last two days i've been paying for it in the morning. Massive stomach pains. Sucks.

mental health. Has been pretty shonky lately, if i do say so myself. I can feel a huge level of anger within me jsut waiting to spew out. I'm unhappy with a lot of things in life. Ok.. maybe not A LOT.

It was my choice to take a new path to a new career, or day job.

It is also my choice to work on my own business and work on my studying at the same time.

I'm pretty much making NOTHING with my businesses and it sucks that no one is buying anything. Sucks. I do need to plan everything up properly, really get that business pitch together and sell it to a bank or something. lol

But, i am committed to so many things at the moment.. and as i promised myself last time or maybe i didn't say it here... that i will finish everything that i have committed myself to during MARCH - MAY 2010, and then start a new plan about what I want to get done.

That I will be kicking through the next few months to do.

Fashion shoots are fucking aweomse. (see the anger in swear words).

I'm so going to start kicking ass on Tuesday nights.. at least after kicking ass, i'll be able to go home, have a shower and be bed really early, to wake up for Trauma work on Wednesday.

Oh kay.. mental health.. It's not been good because I've been stressing over the whole concept of relationships, yet again. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. but that passivity is blinding me.

When things go wrong and you don't fix it, the whole cyclical mess occurs. I don't want things to be that way, but a relationship is always a two person show. If one blocks there eears or buries their head in the sand, no matter how hard the other person works to try to change things and make things better, nothing will happen.

I'm tired of meeting immature fuckers. Seriously, I am.

I'm not a joke, and I'm not about joking either. Maybe when I meet a potential candidate, my question to them should be, "I'm a serious person and I'm not here to fuck around and play games. What are you aspirations for where this will head to?"

Immature guys will always answer - "I don't know, i jsut want to see where this goes".

.......... ok... i just wrote out a whole bit about answers and mature guys and I just deleted it all because of how contradictory I sounded. LOL

I"m just so blinded and scarred from my past experiences... I mean. Experience. With the one very fucked up loser that just screwed my perception of what a relationship is, and now I have this unrealistic vision of what it is. To the point where I just hide from the world, hide from guys and just don't want to deal with it.

Life is like that isn't it.. When things go wrong, you just keep doing it until you break. Until everything is horribly wrong and you can't fix anything.

I want so badly to just say to this person, "I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I want to fix it some how, but I need more from you."

But i fear that his answer will be, "oh i just thought of you as a friend." or "If this is making you unhappy, then i don't want this anymore".

See how negative both answers are. I just can't have a positive thought a positive answer.

But the most fucked up thing is that I can't control what the outcome will be.

that is.. unless I reframe the question so that the answer IS positive.

..... hrm ..... "I need more from you because this will make me feel secure and safe."

"I would like more from you because this will make me feel more secure and happy".

lol.. see what a difference this will make.

but a immature loser will be like, "Omg.. this is a demand... this is like you're asking too much... omg.. i'm busy you know..." and blah blah blah blah blahhhhhh..

This is where I think.. do i take a risk and say something, or do I not say something and just let it go.

I guess the decision is more clear if this WAS a real relationship. But as the circumstances are the way it is, there's nothing I can do.

Just like in the past.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do anything. Or should I? lol.. gosh i hate this.

No, i'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to watch it die. Like I said earlier. It takes two to tango.

I'm the type of girl that gives 100% and expects 0 in return. But when I've given enough, and don't feel like I'm getting anything, I kind of just go away.

The worst kind of getting away, is going away without saying anything. Like being there but not being there. That's how a lot of things just die without sound.

I think it's all too simple, but guys just don't get it. They just think girls are complicated and crazy.

All a girl ever wants is just to hear someone tell them how much they are being loved, how much they will be cared for, that this person will never leave their side.

No matter how fucked up a girl gets, how angry she gets, how crazy she gets, that's all she wants to hear.

I'm so tired of meeting guys who think of me as second prize. I'm an amazing person. I do amazing things and I put my heart out to give and care and love other people.

i do not deserve to be second prize.

And I'm looking for someone who not only wants to catch me, but I am first prize, that I am the best thing that they ever set their eyes on.

I deserve that.

Black Lisianthus x

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Day 46.5


My stomach hurts like mad right now!! Like really cold and scrunched up... I feel like I have no energy.. I think my body is trying to fight something... Darn.. should've had dinner earlier than 8.00pm. -_-"

I was doing my assignment today and really just getting my head around what to write. A reflective piece is sometimes really difficult to write because you don't know where to start. lol. Well at least I have a really detailed genogram, so now I will use the same style of writing as the reading I read, and write it in that way.

I was also looking for accomodation for a place to stay over the Labour Day weekend.

Yeah.. I'm too busy doing my own stuff to be worried about other people right now. So i'm not sure what is happening with that friend who is going back home. Hopefully she got her ticket and is on her way.

I spent way too much time just getting excited over my genogram, and then forgot to eat dinner. Parents are out today.. and yeah.. when there's no one else to kind of prompt you to eat, you can forget and totally focus on other things.

I've been looking at different route to my student placement.. calculated the time .. and realised public transport would mean I have to wake up at 6:50am and then chase the trains and trams... so yeah... FUCK THAT! lol

I'll just drive. I think it'll be way easier, even if I had to look for a place to park and get some petrol in the morning.. it would STILL be a lot easier and I would be able to wake up at 7.30am. Much better! :)

I've been tired lately. I slept 10 hours today.. which is pretty cool, given that I've been averaging on 5 - 7 hours each day.. and each morning I seem to be awaken by someone calling me about something.. I've realised my phone has all these strange numbers on it..

I am like... so far away from my brain sometimes.. there was one day I thought my toner was my deoderant.. lol. -_-"

I need a man to watch out for me.. and all the crazy things that I'm doing without even thinking these days.

I went on a motor bike ride yesterday! Ok.. it was a scooter.. but nonetheless it was pretty daring..

Killed a huntsmen.. Ok turned the washer whiper thing on, when this massive huntsmen was on the windscreen.. whereas once upon a time I would've just cried and stopped moving... and back in those days it was a tiny spider...

(actually back in the days.. there was A HUGE mango sized one, and I just closed my eyes and squealed!)

Yeah.. Kickboxing soon..

and so is this trip... so dunno when and how i'll get the kick boxing thing.... Oh yeah.. kick boxing tuesdays and thursdays... hrm... so if i have stuent placement tuesday, and tutoring tuesday... then i'll only do kick boxing on thursday.

I'm watching these girls dance on tv.. and it makes me want to go dancing too... LOL

one thing at a time.. kick boxing first...

OK.. i'm gonna have a shower and then sleep.. this tummy ache doesn't seem like it's going to go away...

and I didn't get an email todayyyy...... :(

wonder what's up....

Black Lisianthus x

Day 46

It's been an interesting 6 days since I last posted. Lots to do. Lots to focus on.

Mostly on stuff in regards to the things that I like doing. I don't see what's the point in spending time on things that are just plain boring to me. Being stuck in positions that make you think.. "I wish I wasn't here!"

Basically, making clothes, doing photo shoots, styling, playing music, composing, designing, you tubing, video taping, studying and helping people is what I like doing and that's where I want to be.

I want to be doing that everyday and I want to get paid for it though! LOL

So that's still coming!

As well as that .... You know what I"m talking about God! You sure do! ;)

And you sure know what I want! ;) Oh yeah you do! Oh yeah you do alright! :D

I'm feeling a helluva a lot better lately. Sleepy and tired as anything because I've just being doing heaps and always out... used quite a bit of money this week.. so I'm going to be a little bit mindful of what I'm doing and what I need to achieve.

Distance Ed starts next week, which means I have to start doing my homework and read and stuff....... If I do it the way I do it when I study.. I pretty much don't do anything at all! because I don't read half the readings unless it's good! LOL

I know such a bad student.. I guess first things first I need to work on the assignments!

Eating. I've been eating lately. Both junk and healthy food. Sleepy well.. Waking up earlier than usual. Mental health is ok. But some things came up which was rather annoying.. but aren't all things in some form rather annoying sometimes.

otherwise.. yeah.. it's been good! :D

Photo Shoot was good today.. Really put it into perspective that this project is running and it is happening! which is great because I love progress! I love progress so much! :D

ANyways... must hit the hay!

Black Lisianthus x

Monday, February 15, 2010

Day 40

Wow... I'm so tired.

I feel a lot more energetic, even at the same time reallly tired. I've spent the last 6 days sleeping only about 5 - 7 hours each day.. and then enduring a full days worth of classes of Family and Relationship Counselling, which is realllllllllly draining to say the least!!

It was also Chinese New Year this weekend, so there were many festivities to get to, and many things to do and places to go. I made an effort to go to this one temple in melbourne, in south bank.. forget the name, but I really wanted to go there. I wanted to make a wish, and I've made a promise, to that particular deity and for myself. I'll stick by my words, as always, and I really hope I get this bitch rolling.

It's not so much that I'm looking forward for God makin this one wish come true. Like anything in life, you can't sit there for it to happen, you need to get active and make it happen. I guess I'm just pushing myself along and trying to make me stick to my word.

It's hard to stick to your goals, because of the fear of disappointment and also from the lack of belief that what you want can be achieved. That and because I've set to damn high a goal, that it will be a freaking long way up the mountain for me.

I give myself these damn goals because I don't know any better. I worked hard and I really kind of endure that sense of busyness, so it's hard to kinna not expect that. I don't understand the concept of going to work, doing some work, chilling, lunch, work, meeting, go home... I think i'll always have this belief that work, or the corporate world always involves work work work work work work.

I just really want to do what i do now, and just make money from it. LOL.. I really like the way I live. I like going to school (even though, I won't be for the next three months, because I'm going to do it all via distance) and I like having the time to work on my projects, and my music. I need some thing to do, that I know. I need some kind of reason to get out of the house, and that is my student placement. I suppose if I feel like it, I can go to a library somewhere with my laptop and just work from there, if I can be arsed.

I could also be very pretentious and go to starbucks or gloria jeans and work from there as well. LOL. Like those script writers we hear about in movies and books.

My friend is leaving Melbourne. It's actually quite sad to see her go. Not for the fact because she's leaving, I mean, in all honesty, I think it's best if she goes home... for me personally, i find it sad to see her go because she's not enjoying her stay here at all. That is sad. Though, it's how you make your stay worthwhile that it will become worthwhile. It almost seems like she's getting away from troubled waters and not embracing what she can have here.

I don't blame her though. I don't think she really took advantage of what we can offer.

Though, it's not only just her as an overseas student that has that problem. I mean, some people who've just stayed comfortably where they are in their home land, do the same thing as well. They don't take on what is presented to them. What can be offered to them. To make great use of what they have.

There used to be a tiny brown rabbit who roamed around where I lived. He died today. Well.. i'm not sure when he died, but I saw his body on the way to my house from my car. Stiff. Eyes with no presence. Flies around his carcass. Very dead looking. The reality of death.

For some fucked up reason, on the way to school this morning, death images started to infiltrate my clean mind. Not images of fear. Just images of people dying and bodies moving backwards. It was just an observation, that when people die in shock, that their bodies kind of fling backwards. Like that haunting footage we saw as a young adult of a person being be-headed by guilotine. Now that is what you called, fucking scarring.

-------- dinner time break..

Ok back.

I'm reading this book called "Delusion and Dream" by Sigmund Freud interpreting a story called "Gradiva" which seriously... i've read like 44 pages and it just goes on and on and on.... just like what psychoanalytical theory is all about i suppose.. just on and on.. made me think of this blog really.. just on and on and on. LOL I go on about shit so much that I don't really type emails to people, of this length, i'm so scared i'm boring the crap out of them.. so i'll just stick to this tlaking crap here.

But yeah... death.. rabbit... loss.

You can only make life as rewarding as you make it to be. I know some people would rather just think that they are right all their lives and never really slow down and try to adopt another person's point of view or even just slow down and think what would make me happy and what would I do. Instead, they do what they think they "have to" do and forget that fun is part of life. Big part of life.

I think I was always caught up on that. Ever since my uncle died, I started to chillax. I started to stop fearing my grandpa would die. I mean he would. That's inevitable. Everyone will die, that's the only certainty that one has. Even if I knew the time, date, hour, second, it still wouldn't make a difference. I would still be shocked regardless.. sad maybe.. i don't know.

I still think "is this the call?" but i've stopped allowing myself to get too worked up about it.

Ever since starting this family and relatioship counselling it's really given me a huge perspective over my own family and our dynamics as a system. It's given me a much broader horizon over why and how families are made. It's given me a greater perspective over the person that I am and what i do.

Life has been super easy for me. Emotionally, yeah it's been pretty tough. But i guess, like how we direct our lives, how much significance we give events also is something that we control. Are things really as bad as we give it "that" light? Or is it just something that doesn't accomodate to our expectations, but in the end, we know it will pass.

I'm trying not to give things too much worry.

I spend a great deal of time thinking. Thinking of travelling to the US and seeing friends. Travelling to Canada and seeing (hopefully) a friend or two. Playing music. OmG... how much time have I spent just listening to the music that I can hear internally. Thinking of lyrics, wanting to do covers and just wanting to write more songs and compose.

It's a drug. Music is my drug.

Fashion is my business. Which is something i haven't attended to. I think I really need a plan, and I need timelines and dates otherwise I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just floating around.

Counselling... Where does it fit? My day job? LOL My lifetime philosophical quest and research? I dunno.

- - - - -- - - -

We talked about partners. I've heard this all the freaking time before about the fact that we will always end up with a partner that is like our parent of the opposite sex.

I think that that is true.. the relationships that I've had that has failed are the ones that the guy is similar to my mum. Now those, have def failed. The one guy I dated that was like my dad, was actually pretty good.. and right now.. i think I need that sort of... accomodating person like my dad. Someone who I know is never gone. Someone who will do what is right for me, and support me - without saying too much about what I should or shouldn't do.

I'm quite in the air. I know that. I do really strange things that a lot of people probably wouldn't understand, why or how. lol

And then we started talking a little about sex therapy.. I just cracked up laughing when our educator explained how these psychologists would just stand by the bed with a clipboard and just watch people have sex. LOL. I wonder what they would be writing down? Maybe drawing sex positions? Maybe making notes like, "must try that later". lol

I just thought it was funny as... me and my immaturity! LOL

Finally... biological.

I had brekky this morning, which were two croissants... morning tea was a bag of kettle chips (gross for morning tea)... lunch was instant tom yum noodles (absolutely gross, too sour and just yuckkk!!) ... then I bought kfc chips for afternoon tea.. dinner was just rice and stuff..

Now i just feel sick really.. not full or anything.. just sick. Grotty day with food.

Tired as shit though.. I think I gotta have a shower earlier and just get to bed.. or read something.. reading stuff usually gets me really tired for some reason too.. must be the content.. just makes you wanna sleep.. lol

it's not boring just a lot of technical stuff...

I"m blabbering..

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Day 36

Today was really strange. Hot day at first.. then funny later on!!

Well... My question today was about myself and why I behave the way I do.. We had to create this genogram for Family and Relationship Counselling and it's actually been eating at me to present my family tree and tell my fellow classmates the history of my family.

There's not really much hot gossip to tell, like other people, but I dunno.. I just really had this urge to do it.

Well.. I finally did today! LOL! Yay! :D

It was nice to go through it myself.. So that I could see for myself the different linkages of people in my family and also having feedback from my lecturer to view my dad in a different perspective... I never saw it like that.. and I highly doubt that my dad ever did as well.

That's the thing sometimes though, you can never really see yourself fully until someone else gives you a mirror.

Today I read in a book called "Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution" (actually quite cheap.. I want to buy it!!) and the quote said that, "A sword cannot stab into itself, just like an eye can never see an eye".

Probably in different words than what I wrote.

We talked a little about roles within a family system. I really liked the idea of family to mean a system - where everyone has a purpose in this system and everyone plays there part.

A few roles we talked about today were:
  • the family hero
  • the scapegoat
  • the care taker
  • the lost child
  • the mascot

Interesting ey.. ?

The family hero is the person who's the high achiever, always highly regarded within the family and the community surrounding, the one that is always there to save the day.

The scapegoat, I would rename the "bad apple".. lol.. the one that seems to be bad, do the wrong things and always take the blame for the family's bad reputation.

The care taker, is the person who's always taking care of everyone, putting everyone else's needs in front of theirs.

The lost child is the person who seems to behave and do what is right by everyone, never misbehaving. But seemingly lonely and quiet.

Finally, the mascot, the one that's the joker of the family, always breaking the bad energy, vibes, silences with a joke but has a hard time fixing their problems.

I found this quite interesting because it explained a lot of my own upbringing and childhood and even the person I am today and why my mind goes into this dark space.

I think I grew up as a lost child, always behaving, never doing anything that was out of place. I never did anything wrong. Never. I never liked the thought of reprimand, didn't want to be yelled at and just wanted to be left alone. Though, I always felt lonely, isolated and didn't belong some times, always off adrift in my own little world.

Though, funnily, as I grew up, I grew up into the family hero. I'm not blowing on my own horn, but I really changed during my adolescent years, where I became a high achiever, doing what I wanted to do, everyone loved my talent, I was the star of my High School.. and I was pretty much determined to take over the world.

But as I grew older, and started to really get into the real world, I made a lot of mistakes and had disappointed myself. I took this on quite hard and blamed myself for being a failure, for failing the family, for being a shitty role model, for just being a bumb, when I really should be like the HERO.

It never really occured to me why I still feel like crap even today, when I feel like I haven't achieved anything tangible.

I guess I knew I took on the role model role, and knew what that really meant, but I didn't know how much it actually penetrates into your mental health and thinking.

Now that I know.. I'm aware of it... What now..?

On another note, I ate well today.. Didn't sleep well though.. Had only 5 hours sleep and nearly fell asleep in class.. like literally nodding off... you know when everything becomes quieter and slower... and then you nod a little (or pretend to look at the work sheet like I did! hehehehehehhe) and then all of a sudden everything just gets louder and more clear and you're like.. What?? LOL

I ate extremely well.. See the funny thing about this is.. the more I eat, seriously, the more I get hungry.

OMG! High light of the day!!! Walking in the RAIN!

OMG, was sooooooooo invigorating!! Loved every minute of it! Probably won't do it again though!! Because BABY I was DRENCHED!! Like super DRENCHED!!! :D

I walked from Vic Markets to Melbourne Central, and it wasn't like just raining.. it was storming and torrential ran styles, with flash flooding.. LOL.. the puddles and drains were filled and water just kept running really quickly, and it was windy...

the water droplets were huge and it just drenched me. from head to toe. Like I was taking a nice warm shower! It was beautiful!! The puddles were warm!! Lucky I wore thongs mate... cos yeah.. I would rather have the water splashing on my feet than to have wet my chucks or something!! Noooooo!!

But yeah.. now i'm exhausted, sleepy and may be a little sick.. so i'm gonna head off and maybe take a panadol just in case! :D

Nighty nights!

Black Lisianthus x

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Day 35

First day of Counselling school in a while.

Felt good to get up early, despite the fact that it was very very hot last night and sleeping was really difficult.. i think I might take an advil tonight, just so i could sleep better.. .I have this major back ache from bad posture...

It was good to feel like life had a purpose today. Like life had meaning. Like I had to wake up for a reason.

It's not often that I have that. It's sad. Yes. Very.

I don't think i work well with goals. I think goal setting doesn't really help me get really far. I guess that's one thing that kind of stops me from achieving my goals is my lack of wanting to set goals. So many have I set and none of which I actually took into action and went forth with it to see the ending.

I guess it's not so much the goal that motivates me. It's the reason. It's the purpose.

Why must I do what I need to do? Why must I seek what I need to seek?

I go to Counselling School to learn a thing or too, and most often than not I learn or find the answers that I need to find.

I don't know why I pursue fashion. I don't know... actually.. I do know.. and it's not as warm as "out of love". It is just for a very very superficial answer. Money. Fame. Fortune. Why lie for? Ok. Maybe not the fame and fortune. Just the superficial side of it.

But also to be revoluntionary. To be innovative, unique and CHANGE the way the WORLD perceives fashion. That's what I want to do.

In terms of Counselling.. I do it because I love to find out about people. I love to find out their motivations, their problems, their blockages and find that pivotal point to help them shift their energy and change for the better. That is my purpose.

I promised myself that no matter how much profit I make at the end of this year 10% will go straight to charity. It doesn't matter if I make, $10 ($1 will go), $1000 ($100 will go), $1,000,000 ($100,000 will go). And I will make this promise again at the temples this CNY weekend.

I've been reading so much about relationships, about disfunctional relationships, about relationships that don't work, about relationships that just eventually fail.. and it just makes me think.. I can't control how someone feels about me. I can only be me. I've learnt not to fear, not to run. Just to stay and just be me.

How this all will eventuate ... I dunno... Actually.. I do know.. It'll be fine.

On a biological... maybe I should be saying.. On a physiological level, I had five meals today. 3 main meals and two in between snacks.. and you know what... I was more hungry than when I only ate two meals a day. Which is kinna weird... But that's what my body does.. strange body.

I was super tired though.. I only got like 6 hours... back pain, eye pain.. and was extremely wanting to sleep by the end of the day today... when my educator was talking about... I can't even remember what he was talking about... shit.. what was he talking about... LOL

Mentally... It was good to be in the space that you just feel so positive and so smart. Imagine what it would feel like to be in a room full of counsellors - all supportive, all non-judgemental, all positive. It's a beautiful feeling.. Oh how I miss it! :D

It was also really good to have really intellectual conversations about philosophical matters concerning life and death, and also understanding the behaviours and perceptions of the human mind. It's lovely. See, now that's a motivation. That tickles my fancy all over my body! :D

I want to become a true healer, so skilled at what I do, that I can change people, by just talking to them.. like an instant. I want to aspire to become just like that!

Like.. BAM!

lol.. a bit like the guy our educator was talking about.. but i forgot his name.. SUCH a great student aren't I! LOL ... he could just fix a dysfunctional family, just by cracking a joke, looking at a child and BAM! Fixed!

Oh a musical level, my friend put up one of my videos on her FB... LOL.. it was kinna embarassing.. LOL.. but very supportive and very kind of her! LOL pimping out my vids. lol.

I was like that.. very supportive, very promotive.. (if that's a word).. but i haven't been in a while.. I guess i'm just tired... and maybe I'm not ready to be there for anyone..

and I guess that's what provocing these thoughts in my head.. i'm starting to feel like i'm potentially hurting people instead of being there for them... :(

aiyayayayayyaa ... me and my heart ..

Black Lisianthus x

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day 34

I cbf.

This game I thought I was playing with Death... Then I thought it was with God..

You know what. I don't care.

I know I'm on the right track, because the things that I feared most about becoming who I was becoming was the shift in the relationships that I was upkeeping.

And you know what.

Family, friends, Off-shore, On-shore ---> these relationships have actually resulted to be actually quite positive and I've just been able to prove to myself that I am able to be assertive and be accepted as a person.

Yeah, there are negative crap in the air... but in the most strangest way, negative crap brings in positive energy. Brings in closeness and brings in a chance to just be more aware of the things that we have.

I am also becoming more brave and WAY more stronger. Way more. By the end of the month, I'm going to be kicking some ass! Yes, ass-whooping kickboxing!! Woo! :D

I held a baby python today! Yup... I was scared shitless... When my cousin told her man to bring it.. I was like.. 'NOOOOOOOOO!!'... but after he took it out and I saw the tiny things face, I was like.. I sooo want to hold it!

And so I did!! It was really strange.. but warm! And cute little face!!! So CUTE!

I think everyone's initial reaction was, "ARGH MA GARDD!! I'm not going to hold that!!"

but after a while.. you kinda just wanna touch it! And hold it! And wanting it to slither against your skin.. I know.. It sounds so fucked! :D

I know there's sadness in the air.. but I know it's good to have it. For the sake of everyone to really re-think about who they are, who they've become and take responsibility for what the family means now.

It's really fucked when a sibling passes away, especially someone that's way younger than you.

I don't think I will ever know what it's like, but I know that in the long run, death is inevitable.

It's actually a good thing that all this bad commotion is happening now and it's bringing a lot of people together.

We were able to just sit back and look at old photos of us as kids. To see how energetic and strong our grandpa was, to see our grandmother ALIVE... To see each of us as kids and how we grew up and what we look like now... wow.. it was incredible..

I think that sometimes you just have to face your fears, and just live up to what you're meant to live up to..

OK.. I don't think I'll ever be ready to hold a freakin tarantula or a freaking bird-eating spider! (~_~) ...

what are my fears...

fear of being disappointed...

fear of being wrong...

fear of being unsuccessful...

fear of letting people down ...

fear of doing wrong by people ...

fear of abandonment ...

fear of dying ...

All quite arbitrary when you think about it... You can't always be right. You can't always be successful, unless you set yourself quite an amazingly high goal .... You can't control whether you've let someone down.. You can't always do the right thing for people, sometimes you need to just do right by yourself... You can be alone, but those who abandon you probably aren't the kinds of people who you need anyway.... there are always people who want to be with you, who want to be close to you.

Fear of dying. I don't actually have a fear of dying. I fear death.. Like death of others... but not of my own death.

I don't think it was God's wish for me to die young. But even in saying that, you don't ever really know anyway.

I ate today. I ate three meals. Three.. even thought little.. they were three meals.. I still woke up at like 11... but that's cos I actually woke up at 7am today.. and couldn't get back to sleep until like.. 8ish... So yeah.. i don't like disrupted sleep like that..

but it's so hard to sleep when it's kinda changing between hot and cold.. so gayy!!!

Anyway.. Gotta go back to my family genogram and then go to bed!


Black Lisianthus x

Monday, February 8, 2010

Day 33

Is God against me or something?

What is God trying to do to me?

Maybe I"ll start the story from yesterday night. Yesterday night at roughly 10.00PM. I had just finished sorting through my mail, filing my bills, fiiling my notices and cleaning the table and a little around my room.

I turned on my computer. Went through all my mail. Had two very difficult emails. One I resolved in the most assertive way possible. The other I just replied with how I felt.

I was thinking of what to do. So I started to re-do my vision board. Take out all the things that were no longer relevant to what I wanted in my life, and put in a lot of things that were.

Anyway.. I get another email, to which I thought and knew that men and women just don't see eye to eye.

But yeah.. I finished off my vision board, felt great about what it looked like and all the things that I aspire to do, then went to sleep. Tried to anyway.

All the while, I actually stopped eating from 4.30pm on Sunday, because I was absolutely full and when I got home, I did eat.

This morning, I couldn't wake up. I set my alarm for 10.30 and just didn't wake up til 11 and didn't get out of bed til 11.30. I brushed my teeth. Then felt so tired. Went back to bed. Sat down for a while.. Then decided to lie down.. then decided to go to sleep again for another hour. I was just too tired.

I was hungry. That i'll give you. I set my alarm for 1.00pm, because I had another counselling session at 2pm today.

I got out of bed, eat one piece of toast with butter and pate. Just sat there at the dining table, thinking about things, crying and just keeping an eye on the time.

I left my house at 1.45pm. Got to the counselling place at 2pm.

The counsellor (look i'm just gonna call her Helen, pseudonym, cos I cbf typing counsellor all the time).

Helen came out to greet me. She asked me how I was, and I know she can tell from my tone that I was really tired and not with it. I just sat down in the chair and started to cry again. Told her about my concern over what is happening with me. It's just not usual that I would not eat and sleep, and from the whole situation with my grandpa, you would THINK that I have the half decency to KNOW by now that sleeping and eating are very very important.

anyway.. we talked about how I felt and what I thought could be a possibility as to why I wasn't sleeping. I said that I had been thinking about it last night. I think that my life is so stagnant. So not-progressive. Well in my eyes anyway. I am very very hard on myself. I expect more from me than from anyone else.

I just felt that I don't do much, and even when I'm trying to DO MUCH, the progression of it is not as fast as I want it to be.

So if there's nothing going on in the day, I just feel like I don't need to wake up as early... I mean what for?

On a physical level, I haven't been eatin well, skipping meals and eating very little. Anxiety provoked it to begin with. With the whole being upset because of my grandpa just made me not want to eat. And that has just kept going. I talked about my indigestion, well, i think my body is over it. It gave me warning signs, I ignored them, now they're trying a new tactic, called.. making you feel really sleepy.

I know this. I know it really well.. that's why I'm really concerned. But there's a greater force called "low self-esteem" or even just "The black dog" who tries to get in your way of life, and refuses to let go.

Like I said before, I'm playing a game with Death, called, "When is it time?"

Anyway. So helen and i started to talk about ways that I could relax and try to fall asleep at night. I was really uncooperative. Which is not like my usual self.

I answered the question that she set for me last week.

"What is your default position?"

I told her that from what had happened this week, my default position was being passive. Whenever I come across conflict or any situation, I am usually passive. Though, from my own experiences and from learning what I've learnt lately, I've realised that being passive was stupid, and I needed to be more assertive, to voice out what I need, want and feel, and communicate with others about my message and my stance.

It was very important to me.

Helen used the example of what I was talking about in the Day 31 (?) post about the person who pretty much made me feel like she wanted to use me. Helen used positives and negatives in relation to being passive and being assertive.

The result was quite fascinating, as the two correlating columns of negative-passive and positive-assertive were the same. The most important factor being that it was ever more important to me to bringforth my message across and to communicate my needs and wants.

I'm tired of being the passive person who just gives and does thing for others, but have me feeling like crap in the end. It's a good thing to help, but I over-help to the point that I lose myself in the process and end up feeling really drained really quickly.

I tried so many methods to try to get over it all. All sorts. So many of my counselling buddies have shared with me their methods.

Anyway.... because I was so used to being passive, it's really difficult for me to be assertive now.

and I have been. I have been assertive, but I didn't realise it. It was more and more important to me to make my point clear. To clearly put forth my stance, in the nicest way possible but at the same time offer advice or offer kinds words.

I am a natural helper. A natural healer, and the one thing I hate is seeing people upset. Seeing people caught up in their problems. Even if I have been feeling shit for the past two months, if I had the energy to make ONE nice statement full of support and encouragement, I would.

But that's the thing. Some times when I say something assertive, it makes the other person feel upset. Because I wasn't the accomodating passive person that just sucks in every bit of my confusion, hurt, pain or what have you, and just do things for you, and screw my feelings.

SO i've been this assertive person lately. and it feels weird. I feel confused.. last night I had this strange feeling. But Helen reassured me and told me that this was normal. This is the feeling of change. I never knew that changing was so difficult and felt so strange.

I'm doing things that I don't normally do and it feels weird. I even accused myself of being selfish and evil, because i'm no longer caring about people's feelings.

And that's why I go crazy. Cos I feel so damn hurt, that I hurt someone else.

Which reminds me of the time when I was a kid, and I slammed the car door shut, not knowing that my grandpa had his hand between the gap of the door.. and I smashed his finger.. I felt so bad, I just cried. I cried and I cried.

That's why I hate being in the wrong. I hate doing wrong to people. I always want to do what others want me to do because it's the easiest way. I'm doing right, so therefore I"m not hurting people.

But it takes a toll. And it's only now that i'm learning the biggest lesson in my life, which is to take a step back and let others do what they need to do.

I can't control how others feel. I really can't. I can only just be myself and do what is right by me.

Without my own physical and mental health and strength, I cannot help others. I cannot bring happiness to others. I cannot love others.

So I was actually feeling really good after this counselling session. I really felt very thankful that Helen really made an effort to illustrate to me and normalise that what I'm feeling is normal. That change feels like that. That I need to embrace this really uncomfortable feeling because this is what it feels like to finally empower myself to be myself and speak up in the most assertive way possible without offending others.

We even talked about setting goals - immediate, short term and long term goals.

And i just imposed a question, cos i thought it was really interesting that -

"Do we need to be able to plan our life in order for it to be happy?"

Just last night I was thinking about the things I needed to see immediately to be able to feel happy. How funny is that, we need to plan a goal for each day, so that when we achieve it, we feel happy. It's really strange..

Anyway.. i don't want to go on too much about it.. I"ll talk about it next time.

Anyway.. so i felt good about everythng.. thought about how I would explain the situation to the person I had an email from... but before that, I was going to go to Coles and buy food. I need to eat right, so I need to buy the food to eat it.

So i did. Walking around looking at different products. Going home with two big bags full of food.. It wasn't the healthiest of food, but i'm sure my body would be more happy with something rather than no food at all.

When I got home, I had to return a call. Put all the food away. Turn on my laptop to check emails.

A few were about a trip that we were planning. An email from that person, which at first I didn't really read it.. just skipped over it. Then I got to one email from my aunty.

That's when the entire of my afternoon became still. Very still.

I spoke of the family dinner I had on saturday. But I didn't tell you, that we were talking about our uncle.

People in VN are usually really scammy and really someone to be weary of. So we were talking about this one family in VN, a relative, a close relative and how they have been really strange lately, and may be trying to scheme up a bad thing..

That's what we all thought. I don't want to get into too much details but it was all associated with money.

It was a classic example of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". It really was.

So from word of mouth, my uncle had a heart condition. It would be stable, but then required surgery..

No one was willing to go with him to another neighbouring asian country. As you would guess, open heart surgery was not something people could perform in VN.

We all thought this was dodgy. That this was strange. We didn't understand why they didn't just sell their property in VN to use it for the surgery.. if that was even necessary.

Anyway.. this email from my aunt. What happened at the end of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The boy gets killed. This is the same ending with my uncle. He died.

I was absolutely shocked.

Too shocked. I think I only just recovered some strength and some feeling. I was so numb for a while. I didn't know how to email one of the emails back. On the one hand, I was trying to be as appreciative and grateful as I could, but at the same time, my head was not with that situation anymore, it had wondered off into a tragic death.

It just countered everything I felt that day, or even felt in the last week. What is more important in life. To be right, or to be able to be alive and just love. To bring happiness into people's lives.

I'm so confused.

I worry so much about when my grandpa would die, and this happens. Someone else dies in the process.

I'm really really confused.

There's been too much discovery going on. Validation. Great empathy, kind words. And a shocking end to our family.

I didn't have a good relationship with this uncle. I didn't know him well. But I still feel. I feel for his family, no matter how dodgy they are. I feel for my grandparents, who lost their son. My dad for losing his brother.

Life is still moving on though. My mum and dad are still doing their usual routines... my dad out in the backyard gardening, my mum in the kitchen. But I took time out to write this. To share my thoughts with the interweb.

What does this mean now.

That on my family tree, I will now have to put a big cross over my uncle. Now on my family tree there are two crosses. My uncle and my grandmother.

Life is ever so fragile.

That one minute you could be fighting, you could be hating, that you could be scheming..

The next minute, that person isn't there anymore.


Black Lisianthus x