Day 24. 5

Ok.. mini win.

I GOT MY DAMN YOUTUBE ACCOUNT BACK!!

WOO!!

All my favourites are still there.. My three crap ass videos aren't there anymore.. Thank the LORD!

Maybe it's a sign.. Do better videos! LOL

Ok.. I'm feeling A WHOLE LOT better already!!

*BIG SQUEEZY HUGS* to YouTube! :D

Day 24

Day 24

I find that the hardest parts of the day is when I'm on my bed. Mornings and nights are the worst. That's when all these thoughts come into my head.. and when I'm ever really wanting to sleep (during the day time) or when I refuse to sleep (during night).. I know it's completely back to front.

I spend a great deal of time on my phone playing solitaire at night time. Like addicted to it. I play really rapid. Each game lasts around 120seconds or less. And I do win quite often. Well, how could I lose if I keep playing. I'll be like solitaire champ soon.

In the morning I don't want to get out of bed. Each day is difficult. I try to do something. Like do my dress. I stay away from the laptop as much as possible because I know that once I sit down, I'm stuck down.

I paid off my visa bill today. May as well right. I went on YouTube and it's making my life really difficult. I deleted my other account - from a very impulsive move - and didn't realise it would be this difficult. I cannot stay logged on because all my other accounts are linked to the main one. So now, I'm trying to reopen the old account. I mean how GAY am I? and it keeps sending me the same email saying that the associated email is not the one I sent them. I'm so confused. I don't even know which is which now.

How screwed up is life nowadays when if you're not happy with the "way you are" you simply change a username, change a facade. Maybe that's why a lot of people get really upset and confused when their facade is being challenged.

Identity crisis.

I'm still the same person, I just refuse to be with people. I felt sulky yesterday and felt like a loser because it was a Saturday night and I was at home for no reason at all.

Sulking at the fact that everyone is probably out having fun and I'm alone at home watching tv with my ass glued to the coach --> where I have been for like the last few days.

But the fact is, I had two choices to go out. Catch up with some people that I hardly ever talk to, or go to a friend's house and watch a movie. I said no to both. I even lied about one of them and said, "Oh I never got the email."

Bull shit.

I got the damn email chain alright.

I just didn't want to have to put on a "face". I didn't want to make an effort to be human. What's wrong with me. -_-"

It's safe to be at home. It's safe to not have to face anyone. Just hide behind a screen. Pretend to write happy things. Pretend to post up happy things. Numb my brain and my heart with mind numbing-heart numbing crap like reading oatmeal from oatmeal.com and watching cats do silly things....

When will this stop... Soon I hope. I don't like this one bit at all. I feel paralysed. I feel like such a slob. Can feel the my body just thinking... "wow.. not active at all."

My summer school subjects sounds really cool. Looking forward to that.

Photography project - That looks interesting too, but yeah, pressure's on me to finish the damn garments and actually get people moving. That is the most difficult thing in the world, get people moving. Drive people forward. I just wanted a simply thing. But I'm not sure whether it's going to be simple. It seems difficult as it is already. I want to give up but part of me is like really enjoying making this dress.

I'm starting on the next one tomorrow. I really have to get a move on with it. The red one is hard. But I'll talk more about it in the right place.


Have I been eating lately.

Not well. I dont eat until 1PM each day. Cos I don't get out of bed til at least noon. Dinner is around 7-ish but I get really hungry by 11pm and then I have something small which is really bad, because then I feel full and can't sleep. So I use that as an excuse to stay up and play solitaire.

I don't even want to talk to people. I find I use up way too much effort just trying to get people to do as I say. I hide most of the week, and only can find enough energy or effort to do something on Friday night.

I must say. Last night I was really scared. Just waiting for the same message. I hate this. It's so stupid. I hate feeling so powerless.

I watched a talk show today. They had an interview with Gary Cho. Really cool guy. Not so much inspirational, but cool. He openly lets everyone know that he has depression and that he tried to commit suicide in the past and he was in a lot of messed up situations. I love that. I love that depression is not a taboo. It shouldn't be because it is the number ONE cause of death.

Yeah. Depression. Number ONE disease affecting males and females.

Our world is just to negative and morbid. I hate to feel apart of that world right now, but there's so much that happens and so much that everyone aspires to.

I read some stuff yesterday. I went to this website - I've been there before, a few times and each time I have different feelings. First time I was there I just thought, "Wow, what a cool website". The next few times were, "hrm... I wonder who that person is.." .... then felt anxious going there ... and finally yesterday I went there again and read over some of the comments that people left.

Lots of positive affirmations and encouragement. The guy must feel so lucky to have such supportive friends and family. It was only yesterday that I realised there was a second page ... I know slow.. I read this bit that I thought, wow.. Someone said something about the person not having a bed but having progressed to what he is today. I just "Wow". Why does this guy not talk about it? Why does he always just bunch it up and say, "Bad past, but it's made me who I am today."

Maybe he's not over it? Perhaps that's why he needs positive affirmations and tangible recognition for what he is capable of. That is kind of sad in a way. It really does contradict "I do it because I love it, not because I want to impress others." That's what everyone wants to think, but I'll say, why not just be honest with what you want.

Do I want people to recognise me for what I've achieved? To a certain degree yes, but more importantly the one person that I want to say to me, "Darling, you're a really hard working person, with lots of talent. You've done so much and you have the biggest heart. You deserve all that you desire" - is myself.

I want to be able to listen to my words. To listen to that voice from within that says, "Dude, you're awesome. I can't believe just how generous you are".

I want to believe those words. But it's hard.

This is depression. You fight with yourself - each and every day.

Yesterday night, I was feeling bored so I re-read over the conversation I had with this one bad egg that has been fucking my life over since 2007. So the conversation was Bad Relationship 2 - 2008. Bad Relationship happened in 2007 and ended like in 2007 like around my birthday. Beautiful ending getting all the presents I ever got this person returned to me in a black bag placed under the exhaust pipe of my dad's car.

Anyway.. the conversation... I read over it last night and just laughed. I thought, WOW, that guy was seriously a TOTAL DOUCHE! LOL.. and I was a TOTAL DOUCHE! lol ... I can't believe what the hell was over me. Why was I so "totally into" this douche?

What was I thinking? He was insensitive, abusive, he called me so many different names like "ass", "gay", "fag" and what not (I'm not gay btw) ... Maybe he was trying to make it sound like, "hey we're buddies" or something ... I don't know strange. The conversations went around literally nothing.

And then there will be days when he's like angry at me for no reason - oh sorry, for a reason that "annoyed me everyday this weekend. I don't care anymore, I don't want to think about it. I don't care what you say. I don't want to think about it anymore."

Man.. so fucked up.

I don't know WHY and HOW I put up with that crap. Seriously. And you could read the amount of effort I placed to try to put out the fight. Trying to use my conflict management skills. LOL

I just thought it was HILARIOUS now, what happened then. I remember there was this one fight that caused me to just get away from him. That and I read the book "He's just not that into you" - and that's when it REALLY kicked in. He really isn't into me. And I left. LOL

After a while he sent me a message on msn - "Are you in some hating period with me?"

When I think of it now.. I think.. was I the deluded one, or was this guy in need of some serious help?

I felt really bad and sorry for him. Spent the entire of my first year classes as Counselling School, just thinking of the situation between us, his situation and his problems and what it all could mean. What a waste of time seriously. I ended up sending him an email in 2009 around mid year, just to check up on him, see what he was doing and whether he was actively doing something to fix his problems.

I literally said to him, "I just wanted to know how you're doing, and how your dealing with everything, where you are."

He answered. "Oh thanks for the email. Do you wanna catch up?"

lol... Very half-arsed answered, but never made the effort to catch up. People I don't want to see, I rarely see. LOL And I make great excuses for why I "can't" make it or do the whole, "yeah, sure, just let me know."

Anyway. The last time I saw this guy was this year 2010, after my friend's wedding. He for some reason was "at the wedding, but I wasn't at the wedding." And he saw me wearing a dress and heels and commented on "how pretty you look with heels and a dress"... seee!! He was always saying all this crap about me being a dude, and lesbian, and a charmer for learning how to play the guitar. Like what??

This is a classic example of people who DON"T make an effort to KNOW you. lol.

And because of this guy, I had a hard time understanding what relationships were, how they formed, what constitutes as a relationship and so on. lol

I laugh now, but I was like so messed up then. That day I saw him after like so many years, I was soooo drunk, I said a lot of things that I wouldn't say before.

Things about his job, about him being a vampire, becoming an american, being somewhere in this world, gambling .... and some other stuff that I have no recollection of. lol

Vampire.. You know that dickhead from Twilight, Edward Cullen. This dickhead was the same. EXACTLY the same. Same hairstyle, same skin colour, same disappearing and reappearing.. Oh gosh, I hope he wasn't like stalking me and watching me sleep at night. The only thing that this guy was different about Edward was that Edward really did care. He sped over to save her.

This guy? I think he wouldn't even know if I'd be dead unless he heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend.

Talk about irresponsible. He thought that the most responsible thing to do was to not be my boyfriend because I would be safe. LOL.. See... If that Meyers chick didn't write her Twilight series, I could've totally written mine and made shitloads.

Anyway.. I've learnt my lesson from that guy. I can't believe it took me until now to finally see what a douche-y relationship we had and how stupid I was... am?

I think I'm just a totaly romantic. Always thinking the best of every situation. I just don't see why I need to think otherwise. Isn't it better to think of good things? Right? To think well of everyone?

I don't want to think badly of anyone, until THEY prove themselves to be bad eggs.

I like writing. It helps me think. No wonder why I have so many blogs. So many spaces in this interweb that records my thoughts and feelings.

I"m really weird. I think I am really weird. (And that fucker from the past said to me countless times "You're messed", "You're really weird you know that?" ... and I think it was his anger towards me being the first person to ever just say up front to his face, "You're fucked"... that freakin psycho pussy).

Anyway.. yes I'm weird.

I'm a bottle, and when I'm too filled with negative stuff, and it starts to overflow, I shut down. I like literally shut down and get rid of things, block things, delete things, run away.

But once I start to unload a lot of this negativity, I start to unblock things, try to re-open things, and start to think about walking back. Even though YouTube is making it virtually impossible to get my account back. Sad. lol. Even if I did get it back everything will be deleted. Every bit of information.


YouTube is the sad reality. That when you walk away and delete something, a lot of things from the past becomes deleted, gone. And no matter how hard you try, you may never get it back.

It was my choice to do what I did. I do regret it in so many ways. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do anymore. T_T

sigh....

Might go back and try to find my YouTube. Oh YouTube, please let me have you backk!!

Black Lisianthus x

ps. I totally saw the bouquet I want to have for when I get married !! White lisianthus a few white roses but lots of green leaves and things... sooo antique like... beautiful. :)

Day 23 v2

I hate how when I write something I always make it sound like I've resolved everything, like I'm telling a story with a moral to help other people.

Truth is, I still haven't been able to get over a lot of things. Current things. My ears still ring and I still get anxious when I go on youtube.

I think there are people who were born the way they are and they just are they way they are. I guess, I never saw it in that way, because maybe I saw things through my own eyes and just didn't think people could be like that.

I don't think I ended up doing anything. I don't think I made much of a difference.

I just hate myself for being so stupid. For being so dumb and naive.

I was vulnerable. I still am.

They say that to show vulnerability is the most beautiful thing. But it seems that whenever I show a little bit of vulnerability, I tend to regret it later.

Or maybe I just haven't met the right person to be vulnerable with.

I want to cry. But I just can't.

It's 8PM. My grandpa supposedly hasn't been eating much this week and has been really tired. I don't think it's going to be any longer.

I wish I could be in the arms of someone really strong right now. Someone who can just be here to make it not so daunting.

Truth is, I'm really scared right now. I'm really scared of the unknown. Really angry at those who don't have to feel what I feel right now. Angry at my friends for not understanding and only seeing what I'm representing on the outside. Angry at someone who said that I was special to him for not saying or doing anything, when he probably knows how sad and scared I am right now. Angry at myself for allowing myself to trust someone who doesn't give a shit.

I know there's a meaning. I know there's a profound meaning, a profound reason. But this waiting is agony. I know I can go and do something to keep my mind off, but no matter WHAT I do, my mind goes back to the same spot. And the only thing I feel I can do is just write. Write to thin air.

I was "happy" yesterday. No I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. But I still smiled and laughed at things I thought was funny. I still look at things in a positive way, but this angst I feel is just like.. - cut it out of me. Make it go away. I don't want to feel this way.

Black Lisianthus x

Day 23

Hrm... I know you must be thinking.. Woahh.. what a big jump.. But today really is day 23... and I just lost count and started to number each post instead of actually thinking about what the day is.

A thought came into my mind yesterday... about why that book stood out... that book "Act With Love" by M.D. Harris Russ, that I was talking about the other day... The blurb said,

"There's no such thing as a perfect love. Love comes and goes like the weather."

And I remember thinking.... wow..  O_O

Kinna throws out my idea of the perfect soul mate, "the one" and all that shananigan.

Friday was one of those days where I just felt really straight to the point. Didn't want to tolerate any shananigans. LOL... Ok.. I didn't want to tolerate - irrationality, insensitivity, illogic, incomprehendable actions.

I really was sick and tired of listening to things that are just people's negative ways of thinking and trying to find meaning of a certain situation, when all they do to look for the answer is look at the problem.

Just imagine your problem as being a bucket of mucky black water. To solve that problem, you would need to somehow make the water clear again.

The first thing most people do is, sit and stare. Stare at the water. Think about what is that black stuff. How did that black stuff get there in the first place.. Who made that black stuff get there. What can I use to get the black stuff out.

Some people end up getting paralysed about here. There's too many questions to think about.

Then some other people start coming along offering their two cents. "Maybe you should try this..." "Oh... I think it's because of this... " "You know what... Did you try this before?"

and etcetera etcetera ...

People are so easily fooled. So ages goes past and you are still sitting there in front of a bucket of water.

And this is exactly what happens to people. People like to complicate things. People like to find meaning in something that probably doesn't have meaning, and it probably doesn't matter anymore.

Just tip out the water, and fill it up with new water.

And you know what's even more fucked. People who try to argue with you when you're trying to tell them something.

-_-"

Zero tolerance with people like that. So yes last night I was telling my friend off. Not in a harsh way, but more as a matter of fact, frank, straight to the point blended with some positive directions. I am very very decisive - I know what I want, and I know what I'm saying. Except, obviously when I'm in a really dark place..

but yes... she didn't argue with me. She just smiled and could not look me in the eye, because she knew I was right. Or just couldn't take it in that I was right. Sometimes it worse for a friend to tell them the "nice" things, than it is to just say what you know they don't want to hear.

I always say things that people don't want to hear. The truth is hard to chew, but it needs to be heard.

People are really negative. They always swing to the bad side of the fence. I asked everyone to give me their email address, only. I haven't said anything else. And this one person is like, "Oh I'm leaving in two weeks, that could be a problem".

My answer was, "How is that a problem?"

This girl yesterday wrote about how her life is shit and how much she hated it. Oh you have no idea how many times I've heard that. "I hate my life." "Life is boring".

Talk about it. Find someone to talk about it. Visualise it. What does a happy life look like? What does a perfect partner look like? What does a loving family look like?

When I told one of my girlfriends, who seemed to disappear into her paranormal life this week about the kinds of events I had this week, she looked really sad. Probably felt guilty for thinking that I didn't care about her all week.

Well, truth is, I didn't.

I didn't care about anyone this week. If anything, I felt like picking up fights, but never did.

I don't care either. Truth is that people in this world don't care about people. Only a few people with love go out and truly love others. Most just sit back and think of the scheming acts that others were/are "planning" against them and wallow in the angst and pain of

"Why..? Why do they hurt me?? Why doesn't anyone love me??"

You only get what you give.

I give a lot. In return, I receive love, but some things I'm not getting. I wonder why.

I realised yesterday how I live my life. How I balance out my freedom and sponteneity with my structured and scheduled lifestyle. I need structure. I need to know - Friday 9.30AM - 12.30Noon I have my Methods 2 class; I need to know that Thursdays I have a student placement; I need to know that Friday night is friend's night.

When I have a partner, I will also need to pen in such and such time on such and such day is our time.

I don't do it because I'm anal. (and fuck you for saying that!) I do it because I structurise and make sure that everyweek the important things are adjusted and not changed. Because that gives me the freedom and security to know I can float around and do all that I need to do during the week, pencil in meetings, go shopping, drive to the beach, play music, make clothes... perhaps do a bit of work...

and then I know that I can do all that, but still have time to see my friends, to go to school, to see a partner (wherever he is) and to have time to just be where I need to be.

I don't like being tied down. I don't like being locked down. I don't like having to wake up everyday and have to do something or be somewhere just because someone says so, or I feel like I HAVE to.

I want to live each day because I WANT to. How I WANT to.

I'm talking to damn much. I'm glad I scheduled in my session for Monday.

My stupid friend kept asking me questions about something I DID not want to talk about at all.

Truth is THAT person no longers gives a crap. Probably never gave a crap to begin with.

So be it.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Sixteen

I'm still actually finding it hard to get out of bed. It's not so much being tired today... or just wanting to sleep more.. but it's the utter fact that because it's a NEW day, the same problem comes back out and NEW thoughts about it comes out.

Strange, I know.

So I was ruminating over new things, new emotions, and new thoughts this morning. Hungry as anything. Knew I really needed to get out and get something to eat before the pain hits too hard.

I sat around thinking and sharing my thoughts with the air, hoping that the messages will be carried on to the person... by then it was noon-ish.

I just got up, got ready and just got out of the house - Zinger burger, chips and Pepsi sounded good.

(I know it's not at all good food to have when you're having stomach problems.. but hey.. )

On the way to KFC, I was being tempted by other fast foods.... Maybe a Red Rooster roll thing... maybe something healthier like a turkey and cranberry roll from Maccas ... maybe some pasta?

But I was determined. I came here for KFC and that is what I shall get!!

So I did.

And then started the chain of messages.

Call me psycho, NOT like you don't already. I believe that everyday, the universe speaks up to you, passes on a message.

Today.. I received a few.

First. I was eating my stop-my-heart-beating food while facebooking an upset friend who is afraid she may lose her job - although, it looks like she did. This old guy, blonde hair, blue eyes, sat down on my table and after I kinda finished eating, and after I put my phone down (finally), he started to talk to me.

He kept asking me to come along and visit this Chinese Methodist Church nearby, that I didn't even know existed. lol. He told me a bit about his background (Chinese wife.. asian fever?), the kind of work he did (expediator - mining industry), (emporio armani glasses!), and talked a little bit about life and the importance of friends.

Maybe I appeared to be lonely? cos I sat alone eating while texting.. like.. how sad is that right..? Is it really?? I was going to push my boundaries and watch "AVATAR" alone given that I haven't seen it, and everyone around me has seen it already.

Anyway... he was talking talking talking.. and what I got from it was this message..

"Life is hard. Making money is hard. There's no such thing as free money, or easy money."

"The younger you are, you spend so much time making money and you don't have time to think of things. Think of how certain things become. Where things come from. how things are formed."

"Having friends make things easier. Makes life better."

Sometimes, I think that I am really grateful that I HAVE the time to sit and think these things. Think of why things happen, why people come to you, why you are told what you are told.

He left. His name was Mark btw.

The message I received was when I was looking for a calender. YES, it IS Jan 28th 2010, and ONLY now am I going to buy a calender that pretty much the first month is redundant. (But it was 75% off and MONET!)

I walked around the book store to the "Self Help" section and picked up a book titled "Act With Love" and turned over to the back to read some reviews, as you do. The first things I read was -

"There is NO such thing as a perfect partner".

LOL. Lovely.

Well.. it said some other stuff.. but I can't really remember it now.. but basically on the lines of, learning how to act with love with your partner to create a loving relationship. This, I guess, in a lot of ways correlates to what Tony Robbins talks about love and relationships. He thinks that anyone can have a GREAT and PASSIONATE relationship with ANYONE. You just have to work hard with it.

Like what the older dude was telling me in the beginning - Life is hard. Love is harder.

Then I saw a sign.. "See the Light" ... LOL on a poster.

Went home and got an email for "Love and Relationships" from Tony and Sage Robbins.

Then decided to screw all this and watch a bit of tennis, only to have missed Li Na and Serena William, OMG 6 - 7, 6 - 7, OMG... must have been a realllly Good Game!

And then it was the Jie Zheng vs Justine Henin game.. LOL it was over in like.. an hour or so. Even less maybe... I think the scores were... 2 - 6, 1 - 6. or was it zero... oh nooo.... -_-"

All the while I was designing, my manly tee. lol.

Yesterday, I finally worked on my garments. Started off with one concept, it ended up turning out to be something completely different.

But that is what life is like sometimes. You start off with one idea, and it always ends up something different. Always something you don't expect.

So all in all. Today I feel a lot better. Though, I DON"T know what the weekend will bring. The past few weeks have taught me that weekends are always the scariest.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Fifteen

When you start to give up on life, life gives up on you. 

Once again, I have lost count.

I paid the price today for what I've done to myself in the last few days.

Try to skip breakfast, sleep in til midday, don't sleep til the wee hours in the night and eat huge meals after 7.30PM, oh and drink red wine... After a week, especially if you're prone to indigestion, this is when it hits you bad.

This morning was terrible.

My anxiety levels have been terribly bad this week due to the unfortunate happenings in regards to the well being of my grandfather. It's like playing this terribly unfair game with Death, where he's teasing you - giving you hope one day, and then making you scared the next.

Sunday, I got the call to be "ready" for that night could be the night he was going to leave. His heart rate was very very low and he'd been asleep for most of the day. As much as I was complaining and wailing about wanting him to die, when I received that news, I felt my heart racing, my stomach tying itself up into a knot. I couldn't eat that night.

My mum came home later on that night.. and I'm like.. "Why are you home?" and she said that he was stable.

I can distinctively see Death's smile now.. satisfied that he made my heart churn and my mind have negative images of death and funerals gushing in.

Monday, I just slept in. I've been terribly tired of late. I'm not even sure why. I had a long chat with a girlfriend on the phone the night before. And yes, I have decided to seek professional help. You can judge me, call me crazy, but at least I have the self-awareness to WANT to do something about this strange behaviour and neurotic anxiety that impedes on almost everything I want to do, would like to do, and need to do.

That night, I just enjoyed a night in with my friends. BBQ, wine, beer, tennis, ice cream, pop corn, guitar hero world tour, band hero ... you get the gist. It was great. Absolutely great. Henri Leconte really made the night lift to a more happy place! GG Almagro vs Tsonga.

And all the songs on the new games.. WOW! I'm the drummer and lead singer of the group!

(Oh fuckk... munching on double strength mylanta tablets ... OMG...  > <" )

Anyway.. such good songs!! Maybe I'll do acoustic covers of them one day! Really embracing the emotional side right now.

I'm just really tired. Tired of being happy and positive. And this indigestion stuff that I have is not like.. "over done it?" .... it's really painful stuff.

I guess this is God's (and my body's) knocking on my door to really really take care of myself. I have to sleep earlier and eat regularly and healthily.. the last time it was REALLY bad, was like.. 8 years ago. That was bad.. the stupid disease like paralysed me for like literally the whole year. It hurt so bad and I didn't even know what it was.. it just made me feel like I couldn't breathe, and my stomach just scrunched up into a ball.

Every night it would rumble and gurggle. Not because it was hungry, but because evertything was digesting.

It feel like.. imagine eating a LOT of food, and you're so full, but you're stomach was not digesting anything, and it was soo full that it started to expand and stretch your stomach further than it can go.

Yes, it doesn't get this bad obviously if you tackle it before it gets worse. So I know when to take my Zantac meds. However, when you're in a state where your emotional pain gets to the point where pain just feels numb, having physical pain, actually feels good.

But at the same time in saying that, it is much harder to force yourself to stay unhappy, than it is to just smile and laugh when you come across funny things.

It is much easier for me to just smile when I see lovely things, to feel happy to see love between others, than it is for me to feel upset because I don't see those things on me.

I don't know what my grandpa is waiting for. He looks tired. He was wailing and moaning today.. and his face looked distressed. I wasn't sure whether he was just unhappy because he wanted to go home or whether he was really in pain.

He is still trying to live, but his body is not. All his bodily functions have failed on him to the point where the doctor said that there was no point in eating anymore - his body wasn't taking in any of the nutrients and vitamins from the food he was eating.

Yet he's not giving up.

So why should I give up on myself.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Fourteen and a half

Wow. I waited four hours.

My grandpa is old and deteriorating.

He was sick today. Didn't eat much at all. Everything that went in, came back out again. He's been coughing up phlegme for the last week. Doctors were hesitant with medication.

So I was given the job to call the nurse. So I did. Waiting on the line for a while... then finally spoke with her.. told her all the happenings.. the situation... she suggested the locum. Gave me two numbers.

I called the first number. Repeated the whole episode again. Told her that the nurse suggested we see a doctor within 4 hours. She told me that the locum would probably not come by then. Suggested we call the ambulance.

Ok. I called the ambulance. Got transfered to the paramedics, health care workers.. OK.. repeated the situation, the happenings.. then she suggested the Locum. BUT thankfully she was going to make a referral and that the doctor will call us back to confirm a time of arrival.

Got a call from the Locum's office. Said he was on his way.

An hour went by.

Finally the locum came to the door. My cousin and I waited with anticipation at the door, wide open, hopefully grins. (Oh yes, all along my grandpa was coughing and sick on his bed). Locum stands at my grandpa's bed. Stares at my grandpa. Starts asking me the same damn questions again. I repeated the same damn situation for the fourth time.

He listens to my grandpa's chest.

"Sounds like there might be some fluid in there. I think it might be E..... Pneumonia... There's nothing I can do now. Nothing I can give him to make him feel better. I think it's best you call the ambulance."

and then he goes and says the cherry on top of the cake ...

"I don't think he's going to make it."

umm... excuse me? What?

The fucken locum did shit all and he was ready to give up. Just like that.

And then he proceded to walk to the kitchen and take out his medicare slip, fill in the details, while my aunts were telling me to go call 000 now so that the locum can talk to them.

So i called. The locum said a few things.. repeated that disease again.. suggested something.. said something about 60 minutes. Passed the phone back to me.. the lady asked me all these weird ass questions like.. "What's the diagnosis.. "...

ummm.. there was no diagnosis.

"Does the patient have a transmittable disease like MBST (or whatever the fuck she said)" ... umm.. i dunno..

OMG.. I googled "different types of pneumonia" and found out what the hell he was talking about.. "Aspiration Pneumonia" when things like vomit or whatever gets into the lungs... omg.. do u wanna tell me more stuff that's even more technical.

So he left. Didn't leave a note or anything. Don't know what he said to the 000 operator.

and we waited for the ambos to come. Usually.. from experience, because we've been in the hospital like 3 times this last two months.. this is the fourth time.. we've learnt our lesson. So we were pretty prepared. Note pad, pen, bottle of water, bread, tissue, med list, healthcare card, medicare card, private health insurance card. check, check and check.

waited...

waited...

waitedd....

two hours went by. Or so it felt...

Called 000 again.. what is happening?

She said that the time frame given was 1 hour. Why would we call an ambulance to come an hour later?

They FINALLY came at 2.15AM. Paramedics came in... Told them the whole story from the start.. from the first time we went to hopsital, to the second and third.. to the calls to the nurse, the locum, the ambos, the locum... and he was like.. "what did the locum do?"

"NOTHING."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Nope".

"Gees that's not much help.. useless"

That's right mate.. Tooooo right.

Lesson learnt today.. Don't call a locum. Just go straight to the ambos!

And to all you doctors out there.. if you don't like to heal and help people, don't become a doctor!

or if you get tired, go get some help. Cos you've certainly driven me to the point where I need to seek help. I cannot seriously help anyone at the moment. So strung to a thin line.

When I got the call today, to come over and call the nurse.. I just thought... OMG.. what now? I"m so over it. It's like waiting for a time bomb. You don't know when that time is. You just continue to watch and watch and watch. And every little call. Every little move, just shocks you.

When I get calls to my house, I keep thinking.. that's THE call. THE CALL.

But when you see him, he's a fighter. He doesn't want to give up. He's almost 100. And he's not giving up. But I think he's getting tired. I think very soon he will choose to go.

And everyone around me is like chipping it into my head, "It's up to him.. Only he knows... He'll go when he chooses".. Yes.. I know that. I know that it's inevitable, or eventual. I know. You don't need to prompt me. I know.

What you don't understand is not that I'm afraid he'll die. It's .. I'm waiting for him to die. So this will stop. This will end. For everyone. For my aunts. For my cousins. For my uncles. For me.

So we don't all have to come over every day, worrying. You have no idea how many times I've called and SMSed my cousins, "Grandpa is in hospital. I"m not sure if he's going to make it. But we'll keep in touch. Stay close to your phone."

Now whenever someone calls my house and starts to talk cantonese, and there sounds like some anxiety, I get anxious.. Is that the call?

To add to this crap. I used to have someone who I felt like really cared about me. Though recently, I didn't believe he did. I don't think he realised what he said just added to my anxiety and insecurities. I used to come home from the hospital and just talk to him about all my feelings and it was seriously all really morbid.

countless times I hear, "We can't really do anything. He's old. If he has a cardiac arrest, we'll just have to let him go".

And I recently told this special person to go away. To let me go. Because I couldn't handle the added stress of worrying over another person.. Where is he.. What is he doing.. Why doesn't he want to talk to me ...

And you know what now? When I really really want someone to turn to - No one is there to care. Wow. Just Fucken fabulous.Please.. how much more can you fuck yourself over.

He is probably better off without me anyway. Me and my crazy stupid talks.

The Black Lisianthus had depression. And I think it came back. And all these small things are triggering it. There's seriously too much stress from numerous aspects for one to hangle.

Death anxiety versus... thoughts about euthanasia ~ which ironically swings into suicide. Yep. Morbid morbid topics.

I even tried to stay busy so that I wouldn't have to think about feelings.

Tried to stay positive.

And now look. I have no where to turn to now. No where to go.

and who's fault was it.

Mine.

Biggest loser of all time.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Fourteen

Skipped a day yesterday.

Slept in wuite a bit. Thought to try to numb the pain by doing a tarot reading. Had really good results. But that could also be my own talent ... "7 cups" ... the card to represent indulgence, too much opportunity, laziness and disillusionment.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day focused on myself. Had a small meal to begin the day. Exfoliated, expilated, toned, moisterised... leaving me with a beautiful glow on my face.. a clean, pure, white glow. I didn't need foundation at all.

That night I felt like spanish food - Del Los Santos on Brunwick Street, Fitzroy. Fabulous. Not as good as Movida Next Door on Flinders Street. But nonetheless, croquette, chorizo mo, lamb ribs, paella and sangria was what I really needed. Lots of sangria.

During dinner, I imposed a thought, to cover the silence of the non-chatter we had moved into. I said that a past employer was against me, or wasn't supportive of the kinds of business ventures that I have endeavoured in and wouldn't join my fanpages on facebook.

A friend, a guy obviously, said to me, that not everything that other people do are done against you.

That did stick into my head.

I either way too sensitive about the things that happen around me, or it's my own projection of things onto others.

There were two things I learnt last night.

The first was described above - about not being to sensitive to what others say. I realised that everyone has their own problems, and it's never their imperative to care about your feelings and about your situation. In fact, it is quite a gift that someone does care.

I do question my level of care. Why do I care about people.. because I CARE? or because I like to feel the importance of "Oh I cared for someone?"

I do realised that not many people come up to you with nice words of support or encouragement. What a fucked up world we live in.

I realised that more often than not, our facebook statuses are about ourselves, never really about another, or targetted to another. That we as a whole human race are very self-centred and self-indulgent.

That we may take out our hearts and treat others with the amount of patience and love that we hope to one day receive, but more often than not, our own great actions can sometimes not be taken in.

The second thing I learnt was fear. I re-read over a letter i wrote quite recently and I did not realise just how powerful the letter was. I wrote it when I was in a really dark place and my heart was aching, tears streaming down my face... I only vaguely remember what I wrote..

Until I read over it again. Even I felt a streaming gush of sadness and disbelief of just how powerful my words were. How much of an impact it created. How deep it cut me.

My dreams in the last few nights have been really strange. This morning's dream was what I've been thinking about lately, even though some of the detail was not what I wanted.

But fear. Yes, fear. I watched "How I Met Your Mother" Season 5, episode 10, "The Window". The window of opportunity doesn't always open. And my window, I'm not really sure I opened it. 

In that episode, Ted's students asked him, "She may be ready, but ARE YOU ready?"
He answered, "I don't know. I"m just really scared."
Another student said, "Doesn't being scared mean that you're on to something important?"

What is the emotion you get when you are walking on a tightrope.

I was so scared. So scared to make a loss. So scared to lose. because it meant so much to me to be able to open that window, open that opportunity for someone - even though, it wasn't something I did intentionally, but it sort of just happened. I guess like the fluidity of which life is. Fluid.

I knew it was something important to me. So important that I chose to stifle the flame because that way I don't need to WAIT for the day that the flame will become dormant.

Very negative a thought. I know. Very negative.

This is something I know I need to work on. But do we really think that things that clearly seem like it's not going to work, is going to work? That happy endings do exist? That the perfect fairy tale happens to all of us?

Well I do. And I know that everything happens perfectly each day and it is all in succession of what is going to happen ahead of time. I feel for Ted in HIMYM. I really do. Waiting for that day when we will meet "The One".

When will that day come?

Black Lisianthus x

Day Thirteen

Started off really bad. I seriously did not want to get out of bed. I just laid there paralysed. This fake cancer is really shit.

If I had to give it a real presence or a real name.. i'd probably give it negativity or depression.. maybe even this addiction to not feeling happy.. cos feeling happy is the wrong way to go.. like that book I read... Addicted to unhappiness by Martha Heinema Peiper. Really interesting book about people growing up thinking that unhappiness is actually happiness..

I really only ate a bit today.. even if it tasted crap I still ate it. I didn't really want to complain.

Yesterday was bad. Really bad.

Today was getting better. Yesterday I cried my eyes out. Today I didn't cry as much.

Some of my friends have been really supportive. Like really supportive. Sending me really touching emails. Lovely.

Though, I couldn't just sit there and be sad all the way through. So I set out to play some music on my guitar this morning. Worked out the chords for this one song that I really liked. It's from a movie called "Lavender", about a girl who lost her lover and then an Angel came down from heaven to try to heal her.

While working out the chords, I came across a chord progression sequence I thought was interesting. It sounds like an old song, but at the same time, it sounded really latino like. lol

I hope to turn it into an original song. Hopefully, it'll work out.

The day started really bad. It then got a little better. Now, it's not so bad.

For whatever is meant to be will be. There future's not ours to see.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Twelve

I've lost count really.

The last few days have been really really bad. I've been so stressed out just trying to get things done that I've forgotten a lot about the essentials like eating, sleeping, drinking water and just plain having fun.

This has made a huge impediment to my thoughts and my lifestyle. I've forgotten what it's like to feel loved.

I've just had this added stress of having to do things, and for no costs. So I feel so unappreciated and so unloved to the point where I actually ended up cutting loose of a potential lover.

Why did I do this?

I can't handle relationships. Especially ones that are far far away.

It hurt me so much to make that decision. And I know that I can't go back. There is no going back. But I really have no choice.

I know what I want. I want a really happy and really loving relationship with someone. One where I don't need to doubt, think, worry about, be anxious about.

I want someone who can make me feel safe.

And I know damn well I haven't made him feel safe. Or maybe too safe.

I don't know.. I'm so empty right now. So inanimate and so disheartened.

I just don't want to give a shit about anyone.

Really bad day.. And I'm getting sick.. I can feel it.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Eleven

Woke up late today..

Had a really quick lunch - same old old.

Spent a great deal of time on the computer.. which is horrible.. because that means no exercise what's so ever.. and I don't think I drank a great deal of water either. :(

Emotions.. kind of vague.. Was really on focused on trying to pump things out and thinking of how to use what I have to my advantage, where to cut costs and how to just make things happen.

Very tired now.


Black Lisianthus x

Day Eleven

Slept in.. didn't get out of bed til 12noon.  

Had the strangest dream. Dreamt that I had an albino dog and tried to introduce an albino bunny to be its friend.

Strange.

Had home made won ton soup with noodles for brunch.

I had chips for afternoon tea.

Then had asian sponge cake with cream and durian... the asian birthday cake and it was LOVELY!

Then we had  HUGE feast at an asian restaurant called Walrus. It was YUMMMMM!!!

We had ... a yummy broth, then oysters in XO sauce, lobsters in a butter and spring onion sauce on a bed of noodles, pigeon (not the ones on the street, special kind), deep friend salty chilli soft shell crab, stir fried ox tongue and snow peas (yeahh.. no the ox tongue was not as good as I thought it would be), baby snow pea leaves, sweet and sour pork (that wasn't nice at all) and mung been sweet soup.

Phew.. gosh that was heaps to write.. LOL
 
So I am damn satisfied.. LOL :D

Mood - ok. Mind is still running at 50 miles an hour .. honestly don't know whether that is fast or slow.. lol.. 150kph.. that makes more sense! :D

Might sleep soon anyway.. getting sleepy.. though I am like REALLY wanting to get my websites done like.. NOW!!

Black Lisianthus x

Day Nine

I slept in again yesterday...

I woke up and felt like eating something non-meaty and non-fatty.. so I had baked beans and toast.. I'm not sure whether this was healthy or not.. but it beats having another fatty food day.

I skipped breakfast.. but had a life savers icy pole to kind of .. quench my thirst..

And then didn't end up having dinner until about 8.10PM. We had a picnic at botanical gardens, yes MOONLIGHT cinemas!! :D We watched "Mao's Last Dancer".. I have this feeling that the book would've been way better because the movie really didn't do justice for anyone. I totally didn't get some parts of the movie and I am chinese! :D I mean a "Chink".

The part when he had a dream of his parents being shot.. I seriously thought that was real.. cos that kind of stuff DOES happen in China.. ok.. DID happen in China, so I wasn't surprised one bit.. then when he saw them again at the end.. I was like.. OK... ??

anyway.. my grandpa was sick again today.. He's been in and out of hospital lately.. and it really sucks.

It really picks on my existential thoughts of life and death. Why do we continue to live when everything seems to be failing? When our bodies are playing up and are starting to deteriorate. When breathing seems hard.. When eating a sweet potato can cause so much trouble?

I guess in some ways, that is life. We do need to keep going. We do need to keep living because that is a human condition. It is a human instinct. We don't give up.

I really need to start to pick up my slobby ways.. but at the same time.. is it slobby? Maybe I just live a different way to other people. Maybe I sleep later than everyone else.. wake up later.. eat later..

maybe .. I don't know...

goshh.. it's so hard to change your lifestyle.. just like trying to get off a drug or quit smoking ...

Positive thinking helps though. It really does.. and I have been really positive lately. That's good.

Getting tired. Will see what the next day brings.


Black Lisianthus x

Day Eight

Slept in! Yay! First time in the week!! :D

I had a really late night the night before and so I did end up sleeping in... though.. only ended up sleeping about 7 - 8 hours.. more than enough?

For lunch I had devil wings, spicy potato wedges and peas and corn... I know what you're thinking... yes they are all frozen foods once again ... :( but it's oh so nice!! :D

Oh dear.. I skipped breakfast again!.. I guess breakfast only applies like.. before 10AM. lol

Dinner we had rice and asian dishes. So nothing really special there. It wasn't really unhealthy, or fatty.. Though, the chilli that I had with my fish sauce yesterday was actually REALLY GOOD!!

The chilli was tiny! But oh so hot!! Like this burning sensation in your throat and all the way while it travelled down to your stomach.. but the taste of it was beautiful..

This freash aromatic chilli taste!! MMMMMM

Mood - I was feeling good yesterday.. a lot more tied down and not so energetic anymore.. I guess it was the end of the week and I was getting tired...

I did a few more designs here and there.. not enough for me to launch the brand just yet.. but it's getting there... getting there... :D

Black Lisianthus x

Day Seven

Managed to wake up at 9.30AM, just so I could stay in bed for a bit.. Which I did.

For breakfast... brunch... I had a good ole' aussie meat pie.. YUP! A "Four and Twenty" meat pie! LOL with some dead horse! :D

Then I had like meeting after meeting... so I had many drinks... like.. lemon grass and ginger tea (hmm.. I feel like that now...) and a chai latte... a bit of marghariti pizza.. and then just water..

When I got home, I was a bit hungry.. but dinner wasn't ready, so I had a few chips.. yes.. I know ... -_-"

I spent the entire day sitting in a seat talking, walking to and fro my car and then the rest of the night in one spot on the computer... I need to exercise...

Dinner - fried pork chop, green vegies and this bamboo brooth thing that my parents made.. it was ok.. but I happened to eat the core or tip of the bamboo and it was soft.. like eating flowers or something.. and it was BITTER!! It actually made me feel unwell.. :S

Mood - I was extremely pumped and energetic! Very positive and really wanted to go and get 'em! So good to the point where I was overly pumped I couldn't sleep!! I didn't sleep til like.. 3.30AM... and yea.. I was still twittering.. LOL

So it was a good day!! Exactly ONE week!

and so far. I've WON a few days, and FAILED a few days... maybe when I have the time to.. I really need to go over what's happening.. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Day Six

umm... it was ok..? hee he hee

I woke up at about 8.00AM today. I know.. the earliest time I've clocked so far! :D WOO!!

Had breakfast on the go though.. Strawberry jam and toast.. *blushes* hehehehhehee

Had a meeting in the morning and it went well. If it's one thing I've learnt, you don't need to sell yourself to the point where you look desperate. Just be yourself and if you're right for the job, then you are. If not, then move on to the next job. No pressure to get this particular one.

Well.. this wasn't a job.. it was for a student placement for the course I'm doing.. I don't even know how far I want to go with this course.. We'll see how it goes I suppose.

ummm... lunch ... I had a brocolli and cheese chicken thing... with peas and corn.. yes.. all frozen foods.. (yes.. a bit embarassed...... ) but it was better than eating noodles (ramen)! LOL But it was GOOD though!!

Dinner... I had take away won ton moodles at about 7.30PM.. an ok time to have dinner.

MOOD - Very POSITIVE! So that's a HUGE WIN! Very positive! Very Happy, very joyous, very determined, very energetic! And that's the way it should be!!

I was still a little tired though.. because of the scorching heat and the inability to sleep properly! But otherwise, it was an awesome day!

SO verdict! WIN!! :D

Black Lisianthus x

Day Five

50/50

I woke up early .. at about 10.00AM. Though I had an important call to make and things to do, so I didn't have breakfast.. sigh.. FAIL.

Then I got to the city and went to a place called "Ramen Lane" and had "Seafood Gyoza Ramen w/ Miso Soup" and it wasn't all that great!

For dinner we had the left over take away Hakka food we ate yesterday. Actually tasted better for some reason. Maybe the flavour infused the food a little better after a night. LOL

Mood - I was a bit half half I guess. There were happy things, and at the same time I was fearful of somethings.

AND WAS IT HOT OR WHAT!!! 43.

Totally had a relaxed day. Just took my time getting from place to place. Met up with people I had to meet up with.

Had a cool drinks.. Read a little at Borders. Caught up with my friends.. Just keeping it simple and relaxed.. careful not to get too worked up with the heat..

so all in all.. Day Five was OK.

but I really need to review my lifestyle and see if I can implement a proper routine.. instead of winging it.. winging it is just not the way to go!! Cos my stomach still feels no good... :(

Stupid indigestion! Go away! Perhaps it's time for meds..

Black Lisianthus x

Day Four

FAIL!

Woke up at 10.30AM and had a huge stomach ache! Got back into bed and slept til like.. 11.53AM. FAIL!

Didn't have breakfast til 1.10PM. FAIL!

Then had a tuna sandwich at like 6PM because dinner was going to be late. Finally had dinner at 8.30PM... chinese HaKKA food. So much oil and fat... FAIL!

Emotions - FAIL! I was upset all day! Finished watching Lawrence Leung - Choose Your Own Adventure. Then watched "The Proposal" again.

FAIL!


Huge FAIL!

Black Lisianthus x

Day Three

BIG FAIL!

HUGE FAIL!

I decided to sleep in because I was really really fatigued lately. Not sure why.

I had instant oats for brekky/lunch (plain oats with two teaspoons of sugar)...

I was feeling kinda crap all day. Negative. FAIL! Then I actually splurged on Smith's Barbeque flavoured chips.. bigger fail!

Watching a few clips from "Lawrence Leung's Choose your own Adventure" made me feel a bit more lifted. Then someone told me you could buy the DVD so I just bolted out the door and drove to the nearest JB Hifi.

Funny thing was, the person that told me had bought the final and ONLY copy at that JB, so I got them to put one on hold at another JB and just bolted again!

Finally got it! Woo! So that was HAPPY!

Also bought a Pretzel from Pretzel World - Moscow Glaze ... yummmm :P .. but bad food..

(See that is proof that there is a direct correlation between feeling negative and eating really shitty junk food!)

For dinner, we had these chinese steamed rice rolls things with asian ham and herbs and bean shoots. So that was sort of healthy-ish.

I sort of then just snacked on the pretzel.. little bit at a time. lol

Emotions ... was really up and down today. Sometimes happy. Sometimes really sad. Cried a little. Laughed a little. Very hard to put a finger on. :(

Oh well.. Hope Day Four won't be so shit.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Two

I woke up at 9.00AM so that's a WIN! :D

I had two slices of plain toast for breakky. I didn't know where the jam had disappeared to.. and didn't have time to think of a back up plan! LOL

Was it difficult to eat plain toast or what! LOL I had that gagging feeling.. the thought of dry tasteless food ... ewww

Lunch it was "salt and pepper fried chicken served with fried egg" at Red Silks. This was a fail! LOL FAIL on TASTE and it was fried! What the hell was I thinking! :(

Dinner was slightly better. I still had like 3 pieces of smoke salmon left and that needed to be eaten. So dinner was two slices of toasted thick bread with horseradish spread, phili cream cheese and topped with copious amounts of smoked salmon. It was ok.

Supper. LOL It was FRIDAY! Well I had a "Taj Mahal" from Airstream - yummm :)

then I thought.. why not just be healthy and have a sparkling mineral water with a slice of lemon.

Then we felt nibblish around 10.30PM-ish.. so we had NACHOS! First time I had Halapenos! Verdict - tastes kind of picklish, not as hot as I expected. ^^ But yes I know... NACHOS at 10.30PM is not really a good thing... but I couldn't go to bed hungry rightt???

Funny thing was I was actually really sleepy and tired. On the way home on the train, I actually had a nap. I never nap on the train unless I was sick. Am I sick? And then towards the end of the night, I was really exhausted.. possibly due to the excessive energy I've been experiencing lately! hrmm..

Emotions - I felt a mix of emotions today but tried to stay as positive as possible! Was joking around, laughing, sad, annoyed (at my friend), disappointed, disheartened, hopeful, a little happy, a little joy, a little gratitude... *shrugs* even I don't know!

So Day Two was ok.. Here's Day Three.

Black Lisianthus x

Day One

FAIL!

lol. BIG FAIL. I set my alarm for 9.30AM. And it went off, but I did the snooze dance. Ended up listening to the alarm (funny I still managed to forget what the song was...) 4 times! Turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. Did not wake up til 11.15AM.

Wondering if it's better I didn't set up the alarm... or set up the alarm for 10AM.

I slept at about 2AM the night before.... long story! lol

I get a call at about 1.45AM ... "ARGHH!!!!! OHHH NOOOO!! I KILLED..."

by now I thought.. OMG... did she run someone over?? Do I have to go out and see this dead person??! *shiver*

.... "I KILLED A FOX!!!!!!"

I laughed out loud! In my mind of course! :D So after some commotion and more "OH MY GOD" she drove home and I finally got to sleep.

So obviously I missed breakfast. So badd!!

But to make up for it I made 2 slice of thick toast, smuthered it in Philli cream cheese, and top it with smoked salmon! mmmmmmm ^____^

Though unfortunately, I only got to eat ONE slice and then got called out! However, good things always goes to the ones who give! I ended up at Yum Cha at 2.15PM! Yay! :D Had stuffed eggplant, steamed rice rolls, a few dumplings, almond pudding and sweeten tofu! :D

Then do you know what happened at 5ish? I got hungry again! Like WHAT??! I just ate!

But I hung in there (I know, I really should have eaten a snack ... fail...) until dinner time at about 7PM.

We had canh chua (sour soup) with rice and veggies. Yumm!

Emotions... mmm I've been good today. Didn't feel sad or angry or stressed about anything. Even though I kept myself busy, I felt happy about things and didn't really feel angry or frustrated about anything. Almost cried though. But at the right time, I received this PowerPoint Presentation that had 45 feel good quotes! It made me feel really warm inside! Made me think of those self help books with all the inspirational quotes in it.

lol.. alrighty then. I will finish off a few things and then it's an early bed time tonight!

Black Lisianthus x

Prelude of the Project

Hi everyone!

This is the story behind the site.

I am one of those avid spiritual followers that really has changed my life around in terms of my career and business out looks. Though, there is ONE thing that is still stopping me from getting to where I need to get to and that is my health.

Yes. My health.

No, I'm not sick. And yes, I understand the ethical connotations to the blog's title. Please hear me out.

I've been reading a lot lately about cancer patients and have had a great opportunity to read a really interesting story on cancer survival using positive thinking and a healthy diet. These patients or people used their energies into positive thinking - happiness, joy, appreciation, gratitude, peace and thankfulness - instead of chemo or uses of medicines as these things were in actual fact making the immune system weak. So what they did was to strengthen their immune systems with the use of positive thought and also healthy dieting.

They talk about the way negative thoughts - anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, revenge, fear, anxeity and stress - causes physical illness. As well as poor dieting and a really unhealthy lifestyle.

This made me think. What if I pretended to have (fake)cancer, and tried to reshape the way I think, eat and live each day so that I would be able to live a more healthier and fulfilling life - and perhaps that way I can attract better things into my life!

Right now I'm just beginning my business, but it's still in the beginning. Love life is still nil. Health is not good at all. Lifestyle is still pretty crap. :(

It's not weight. That's not the problem.

I sleep at really bad times. I eat really bad foods. Fried stuff. Oily stuff. Foods high in sugar. I don't drink enough water or juice. I don't eat enough fruit and vegies. I sometimes over sleep. I sometimes under sleep. I drink alcohol. I get angry easily. I get anxious easily.

My body has been really bad lately. It's been yelling out at me to DO SOMETHING NOW!!

My hearts been feeling really weird. Heart beat rate is really strange.

My indigestion is back - that means my stomach is killing me, making me not want to eat, but if I don't eat, it hurts more.. it's crazy cycle.

My throat has been acting up lately. Possibly due to lethargy, which I am feeling lately.

One of the things that Anthony Robbins or Wayne Dyer (Kings of motivation and empowerment) always say is change your thoughts change your destiny. Eat healthy foods. Give your body what it needs.

SO that is EXACTLY what I'm going to do!

Follow my journey and let us work together to create a much more healthier life! YAY! :D

Ok. Here we go!

Black Lisianthus x