Day Fourteen and a half

Wow. I waited four hours.

My grandpa is old and deteriorating.

He was sick today. Didn't eat much at all. Everything that went in, came back out again. He's been coughing up phlegme for the last week. Doctors were hesitant with medication.

So I was given the job to call the nurse. So I did. Waiting on the line for a while... then finally spoke with her.. told her all the happenings.. the situation... she suggested the locum. Gave me two numbers.

I called the first number. Repeated the whole episode again. Told her that the nurse suggested we see a doctor within 4 hours. She told me that the locum would probably not come by then. Suggested we call the ambulance.

Ok. I called the ambulance. Got transfered to the paramedics, health care workers.. OK.. repeated the situation, the happenings.. then she suggested the Locum. BUT thankfully she was going to make a referral and that the doctor will call us back to confirm a time of arrival.

Got a call from the Locum's office. Said he was on his way.

An hour went by.

Finally the locum came to the door. My cousin and I waited with anticipation at the door, wide open, hopefully grins. (Oh yes, all along my grandpa was coughing and sick on his bed). Locum stands at my grandpa's bed. Stares at my grandpa. Starts asking me the same damn questions again. I repeated the same damn situation for the fourth time.

He listens to my grandpa's chest.

"Sounds like there might be some fluid in there. I think it might be E..... Pneumonia... There's nothing I can do now. Nothing I can give him to make him feel better. I think it's best you call the ambulance."

and then he goes and says the cherry on top of the cake ...

"I don't think he's going to make it."

umm... excuse me? What?

The fucken locum did shit all and he was ready to give up. Just like that.

And then he proceded to walk to the kitchen and take out his medicare slip, fill in the details, while my aunts were telling me to go call 000 now so that the locum can talk to them.

So i called. The locum said a few things.. repeated that disease again.. suggested something.. said something about 60 minutes. Passed the phone back to me.. the lady asked me all these weird ass questions like.. "What's the diagnosis.. "...

ummm.. there was no diagnosis.

"Does the patient have a transmittable disease like MBST (or whatever the fuck she said)" ... umm.. i dunno..

OMG.. I googled "different types of pneumonia" and found out what the hell he was talking about.. "Aspiration Pneumonia" when things like vomit or whatever gets into the lungs... omg.. do u wanna tell me more stuff that's even more technical.

So he left. Didn't leave a note or anything. Don't know what he said to the 000 operator.

and we waited for the ambos to come. Usually.. from experience, because we've been in the hospital like 3 times this last two months.. this is the fourth time.. we've learnt our lesson. So we were pretty prepared. Note pad, pen, bottle of water, bread, tissue, med list, healthcare card, medicare card, private health insurance card. check, check and check.

waited...

waited...

waitedd....

two hours went by. Or so it felt...

Called 000 again.. what is happening?

She said that the time frame given was 1 hour. Why would we call an ambulance to come an hour later?

They FINALLY came at 2.15AM. Paramedics came in... Told them the whole story from the start.. from the first time we went to hopsital, to the second and third.. to the calls to the nurse, the locum, the ambos, the locum... and he was like.. "what did the locum do?"

"NOTHING."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Nope".

"Gees that's not much help.. useless"

That's right mate.. Tooooo right.

Lesson learnt today.. Don't call a locum. Just go straight to the ambos!

And to all you doctors out there.. if you don't like to heal and help people, don't become a doctor!

or if you get tired, go get some help. Cos you've certainly driven me to the point where I need to seek help. I cannot seriously help anyone at the moment. So strung to a thin line.

When I got the call today, to come over and call the nurse.. I just thought... OMG.. what now? I"m so over it. It's like waiting for a time bomb. You don't know when that time is. You just continue to watch and watch and watch. And every little call. Every little move, just shocks you.

When I get calls to my house, I keep thinking.. that's THE call. THE CALL.

But when you see him, he's a fighter. He doesn't want to give up. He's almost 100. And he's not giving up. But I think he's getting tired. I think very soon he will choose to go.

And everyone around me is like chipping it into my head, "It's up to him.. Only he knows... He'll go when he chooses".. Yes.. I know that. I know that it's inevitable, or eventual. I know. You don't need to prompt me. I know.

What you don't understand is not that I'm afraid he'll die. It's .. I'm waiting for him to die. So this will stop. This will end. For everyone. For my aunts. For my cousins. For my uncles. For me.

So we don't all have to come over every day, worrying. You have no idea how many times I've called and SMSed my cousins, "Grandpa is in hospital. I"m not sure if he's going to make it. But we'll keep in touch. Stay close to your phone."

Now whenever someone calls my house and starts to talk cantonese, and there sounds like some anxiety, I get anxious.. Is that the call?

To add to this crap. I used to have someone who I felt like really cared about me. Though recently, I didn't believe he did. I don't think he realised what he said just added to my anxiety and insecurities. I used to come home from the hospital and just talk to him about all my feelings and it was seriously all really morbid.

countless times I hear, "We can't really do anything. He's old. If he has a cardiac arrest, we'll just have to let him go".

And I recently told this special person to go away. To let me go. Because I couldn't handle the added stress of worrying over another person.. Where is he.. What is he doing.. Why doesn't he want to talk to me ...

And you know what now? When I really really want someone to turn to - No one is there to care. Wow. Just Fucken fabulous.Please.. how much more can you fuck yourself over.

He is probably better off without me anyway. Me and my crazy stupid talks.

The Black Lisianthus had depression. And I think it came back. And all these small things are triggering it. There's seriously too much stress from numerous aspects for one to hangle.

Death anxiety versus... thoughts about euthanasia ~ which ironically swings into suicide. Yep. Morbid morbid topics.

I even tried to stay busy so that I wouldn't have to think about feelings.

Tried to stay positive.

And now look. I have no where to turn to now. No where to go.

and who's fault was it.

Mine.

Biggest loser of all time.

Black Lisianthus x