Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 110

Emotions - accomplished, tired, overworked, less stressed

It's already one third of the way through the year, 110 days. Now that's a long time... interestingly enough, that's about the same amount of time I used so far to get this exhibition going. LOL. I guess it does take a long time to organise something, especially a project this big.

All i can say is that I've learnt a lot about life in general with this project, and i actually feel a little over photography. lol. well for now at the very least.

So over it! I realised just how much I've done in the last few months, weeks, days. I've finished my assignments that are due so far, and have another two on the way. I really do need to make a start on them. Don't you see how crap that is! But i won't start today though.. I've racked my brain enough today..

I've met a lot of people.. Hassled a lot of people. Like non-stop hassling. LOL. You have to if you're under pressure. The more people drag you behind, the more pressure and stress they've caused for you. So what I do is, I'd rather pressure them now, get them to finish of what is required way ahead of time, so that gives me more time to make sure everything is done, rather than have to rack my own brain in the end because other people can't get their stuff done.

I was disappointed with one group though. They promised a great deal of excitement and took some amazing pictures, though in the end, they never went ahead with what they had said and in the end, only submitted a few pictures.

I guess in life there's a great deal of people who only talk but never live up to their words. Though, for me, I know for sure that I don't want to be like that. i want to live to my word. Attract others who live up to theirs.

because that is how I roll.


That's all for now.

Eating and sleeping... I've actually fucked up my habits a bit here and there... started taking meds again. OMG.. my eyes are so bad now. Which is really crap!

But otherwise, on the whole I'm ok. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Day 99

Feeling drained and really tired at the moment. Maybe I should just go to bed soon.

I"ve been running around all day, and reading, focused on studies, focused on my fashion stuff.. found a few editorial contacts... sent some emails, now i'm just really tired.

Really really tired.

And it's making me feel really negative at the moment. Just really drained. Starting to burn out. I feel just feel all these bad thoughts coming up to the surface. At least at this moment there's no one here so I don't have to be happy. i don't want to look at photos, or that video we did the other day. i'm just really tired. I don't want to read either.

I'm starting to really think of bad stuff. I"m getting burnt out. This sucks. There's so much i have to think about, and so much I don't actually know what I'm doing.

Everything is going really well in terms of my counselling/training/business career, but my fashion stuff, well that's a different story. I dunno when i'll be able to make clothes, or even design clothes. I kind of think to myself, do I even want to design stuff?

Do i even want to put myself in a place where it's just indulging in that sort of fashion world out there?

Or do i much prefer the stuff i do now? I mean, personally i do like training. I do like talking to people, i do like consulting people. I do like having that ability to talk someone into believing in themselves. To reaffirm certain things in their life.

I don't know.. maybe i'm just really tired. I think I will go to bed. Sleep.

Black Lisianthus x

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 95

Emotions - Happiness,excitement, quizzical, uncertainty, puzzled, disappointed

It's already day 95, so close to one third of the year. I've been generally really happy these days. If anything it's been awesome. Getting together with friends, getting things done, working closely with work, achieving what I want, and even a small romance.

But what puzzles me at this moment, on this night is whether people truly share things with you. Only sometimes do we actually give a shared response? If that makes sense.

I guess what I mean is that, when people are generally in a low mood, they tend to pick up on low moods rather than on happier things.

I've been in a good place. Really good place. A place where people who love me reside and actively show me love. I think it's rubbing off people and it's making them approach other people more. Or to what it looks like in my own brain. LOL.

I've been studying a new psychological theory, and it's been really interesting in explaining the how people interact or make transactions with one another.

Very interesting.. thought it's really complex and is really designed for people who are quite intellectual to understand, because it's really difficult.. and so we've identified the behaviour and the patterns, how to we change it?

They focus a lot on the thesis of these "Games" and then give the anti-thesis... which still does my head in, trying to understand it. I guess, at the end of the day, if we are just adults and just respond as adults, we avoid all fights.

But, there are time when we need to feel childish, or to arise to the parent position if our friend or spouse or family member needs to be parented - as my friend wanted to sook to me because she hurt herself.

I dunno if i mentioned in the last blog.... but i got my booking for the venue for the exhibition i've been working on.. so that's mega.

i feel so much better that i'm changing my sleeping, eating and general living habits. I wake up at 8.00am every day, i try to eat as healthy as possible (although, still very little), and i'm doing more sports and getting out there.

I am starting to think about how i react to things and the kind of behaviour that i put forth. I can be quite childish... i dunno why. I don't know why i take on such a childish nature when it comes to relationships. I guess because of my inner pain? that's associated with relationships? I dunno.. well that's my question, and i know i will get my answer soon.

Black Lisianthus x

Friday, April 2, 2010

Day 86

emotions - tired, reflective, happy, flirty, wise, disappointed, confused, lonely, content, important. 

It's been a week since I last wrote. I seem to have a trend to write on Thursdays. I'm actually feeling rather run down at the moment. I've been really busy in the last few days and weeks, since trying to finish off my assignment (which I did, one week before the due date)!

My weekend was kind of interesting. Just finished my assignment off, went out for drinks, caught up with someone I actually wanted to see... Monday I went for a long walk after I handed in a hardcopy of my assignment and just thought about what it would be like to have someone walk with me on my long walk to the new DFO.

That night was interesting. The person that i wanted to walk with me... said something weird to me. So i told him I was hurt by what he said, and he didn't really say anything else to me. He just ran from it. Suppose that's a good thing, so if he couldn't handle that, what would he actually do in a real conflict, just give up and go?

Tuesday.... I did a bit of tv watching, followed by some catch up reading and then some kick boxing and catching up with my friend. It was a good night. I should've brought more clothes or longer pants, because it was freezing for the rest of the night.

Wednesday... was a long day at work... and at two times during the day felt really queezy and really needed to eat. Just felt really faint and weak. I must eat. If I don't eat my body goes weird. it scares me a little sometimes. But it's hard to eat on time... but as I'm getting older, my body is teaching me that I must eat at all times, for if not.. I will get sick.

I will bow to you, my body.

Today i've just been hit hard.. ok not so hard.. not as hard as the last time i got really sick, but i'm run down. My lymph glands are hurting, shoulders, underarms, neck.... all the lymphy ones.. all hurting... makes me weary of whether i have hodgkins... but i doubt it.. it's not like it was random... or was it?


i watched this doco today.. one of my friends told me about it...

"50 years! Of Love?" on SBS Two.

Was quite interesting listening to them talk about how to sustain a marriage for over 50 years. They first started talking about how they met each other and what they thought of each other. It wasn't anything like coming from a romantic movie or anything.. lol.. not like she walked in class and he just couldn't take her eyes off her. There was one indian couple who've been together for 60+ years who were together because his mother thought that she was the one and wanted her to come over to his place all the time.

There was none of the sex before marriage, or living together before marriage. It was just dating, and then they got married, and then the sex started from there... Like one of the men said, "Today, sex is a taboo, tomorrow sex is expected" (he may not have used expected... but something along the lines of that). They interviewed a family in South Africa, an 84 yr old man who had 15 wives, 94 children, and was still able to do a "6-game" night or a "5-game" night with his many wives. Each lady had one week with him before he made the rotations to the next. All the wives got a long fine with each other - they learnt to love each other, because the first wife was a good person.. and so the others followed.

On the contrary to this, the interviewer shared a concern with the indian man and said that he feared that marriage may restrict his freedom, like what if he wanted to have other girlfriends in the future. The wise indian man said, "well, then you will have your girlfriends. But you have your girlfriends and you may not be happy. But if you're destined to be unhappy, then you will be.... everything is predetermined". I thought that was deep.

The indian couple also spoke of a period in life where you just turn to God and you just have no urge to have sex - that you both walk towards spiritualism and bond. It just made me re-think about where I am now, and whether I've stepped too far into spiritiualism and perhaps, is that the reason why I have not been going to the temple?

I'm still young. I still have things I need to do. Things I need to see. People I need to meet.

Towards the end of the doco, there was a little bit about the american couple - where the husband was in hospital. You could see the tears in her eyes when she was talking about what happened, and how she was in the bathroom, and the cat wanted to go outside and he walked over to let the cat out and then "THUMP!" He was on the floor.

She later had a telephone call from him, and she was asking, "Are you ok? Have you eaten? Did you eat everything on the tray? Ok, I'll see you soon".

The next day (or at least the next segment of the doco) he walks towards the door and yells out, "Hello, anybody home".. and you could just hear that laughter, that high pitched screechy laughter or relief, joy, love... she opens the door and they just hug, still laughing. They give each other a kiss, hug.. walk inside, sit down and she's like, "Why didn't you tell me you were coming home..... oh.. i forogt.. i'm cooking on the stove."

"You better go get that."

lol. Each couple fought - it was just a different way of communicating. lol

They talked about divorce. And how to the couples, divorce was just not on the picture. You just had to learn to accept the differences, accept the faults and try to work through it.

They talked about having space - whether through travelling or work or whatever, but it was necessary to give each other time, so that he can reflect on what a great prize he has, what a great wife he has. lol. As they know that they cannot have this relationship forever, someone will pass away before the other. If you've never had this space apart from each other, it would be very difficult in the to handle that situation.

So what happens at the end. Well the two people who did the documentary decide to get married.

I probably didn't do this doco justice in the really brief and very summarised version of it, but I will say that after watching it, I did feel a warmness about the whole notion of what love is. Though, I question, do we make it a lot more complex than it really is?

When can we ever find that perfect soul mate, that perfect match?

One of the people in the doco said, "Sometimes you are lucky and you meet someone who likes what you like". So i'm taking it, that sometimes you're not as lucky. However, in today's world, if you found that person that doesn't like what you like, then automatically you think, BOOM not a good match.

I blame consumerism.

And I don't mean those russian mail order brides.

We have too much choice. We have too many options, variations, functions, colours, sizes.... If this isn't good, what about this one, which is similar has more functions and does more things! Woahh..

But more and more we forget, what brings us together in the beginning is that intial physical attraction. Then with more chances of communication (whether face to face or e-communication or cell-communication) we might find ourselves either more in love or not.

And now we have this new thing about being weary of players and people who don't want to commit.

The "He's just not into you" shit and the "you're not the exception, you're the rule".

The pick up artists and the shit that they do.

What happened to just pure simple love. I think you're pretty cute, I like the feeling I get when I'm with you.

All these different terms - seeing, dating, official, unofficial, exclusive, not exclusive - quoting the boy who commented on one of my youtube vids - suck dick!

I'm old fashioned. I truly am. I still believe in the whole "Boy Meets Girl" (Tuuyen u still have my book!)

I still believe that when someone is truly interested in you, they want to know about you. They want to know everything about you. They want to spend time with you. They want to see you. Hear your voice. Be with you.

I still believe in trust, honesty, respect, support, love and care. I believe in being truly who you are, and just offering what you have to offer, instead of hiding behind some fucked up masks that fucked up pick-up artists wear to get girls in bed. Is that where you want to be only? In bed? Then fuck you!

One of the first things that one of the husbands says in the beginning of the doco is

"It's good to have a wife, kids, a family. I would think it would be really sad to be single and live the rest of your life single. It would really be sad."

And that's what we all fear.

And we also fear incompatibility.

Fighting. Rejection. Abandonment. Lonliness.

And the ultimate fear of marriages - divorce - the reliquishment of all the naive childhood fantasies and thoughts you had as a child about what your wife and married life will look like. I'm pretty sure no one went into a marriage thinking it was going to be all about the fighting.

I don't think anyone gets into a relationship and thinks that.

Our heart does crazy things ey? Physical attraction gets your attention. The flirting makes you eager. The honeymoon period lures you in futher. And THEN the relationship starts.

And some people just can't get there. It's too difficult.

I love seeing my friends who are in love. Because they've found that person that they've decided, I'm ready to take this person's shit (not literal). I'm ready to take on this person's crazy (women are fucken crazy).

But we all just crave and want a damn relationship, but when will we learn from our own mistakes and from others - just what is fucken realistic and whether we are ACTUALLY prepared for it.

Or do we just continue to lust after one person after the other?

Black Lisianthus x