Sunday, February 28, 2010

Day 53

hrm... I woke up sick yesterday and today. Yesterday I felt like I had this fever... my whole body was just really hot, but cold at times.. today I woke up cold. I'm run down. Very run down.

I've been trying to get my mind around my assignment.. I mean.. it's not really progressing as far as I would hope it to, but it's getting somewhere... there's more shit in it than the last time I started, so that's better than nothing. I'm reading all these different articles and books and shit.. am i learning anything new... not really.. sucks how you can't just be assessed on attendance.......... sucky suck suck!

i can't wait for the second assignment though.. practical and a self-critique.. what I like.... but this one is reflective, about myself, my family and how it will affect me in the future... *roll eyes*

whenever I do assignments, i get into this mode. This "OMG-FRICKING-ANNOYED" mood. LOL

Am I sleeping well.. I am actually.. I'm shit tired by the end of the night because I would be doing something and in the morning, well.. in the last few days.. i've been forced to wake up earlier and the last two days i've been paying for it in the morning. Massive stomach pains. Sucks.

mental health. Has been pretty shonky lately, if i do say so myself. I can feel a huge level of anger within me jsut waiting to spew out. I'm unhappy with a lot of things in life. Ok.. maybe not A LOT.

It was my choice to take a new path to a new career, or day job.

It is also my choice to work on my own business and work on my studying at the same time.

I'm pretty much making NOTHING with my businesses and it sucks that no one is buying anything. Sucks. I do need to plan everything up properly, really get that business pitch together and sell it to a bank or something. lol

But, i am committed to so many things at the moment.. and as i promised myself last time or maybe i didn't say it here... that i will finish everything that i have committed myself to during MARCH - MAY 2010, and then start a new plan about what I want to get done.

That I will be kicking through the next few months to do.

Fashion shoots are fucking aweomse. (see the anger in swear words).

I'm so going to start kicking ass on Tuesday nights.. at least after kicking ass, i'll be able to go home, have a shower and be bed really early, to wake up for Trauma work on Wednesday.

Oh kay.. mental health.. It's not been good because I've been stressing over the whole concept of relationships, yet again. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. but that passivity is blinding me.

When things go wrong and you don't fix it, the whole cyclical mess occurs. I don't want things to be that way, but a relationship is always a two person show. If one blocks there eears or buries their head in the sand, no matter how hard the other person works to try to change things and make things better, nothing will happen.

I'm tired of meeting immature fuckers. Seriously, I am.

I'm not a joke, and I'm not about joking either. Maybe when I meet a potential candidate, my question to them should be, "I'm a serious person and I'm not here to fuck around and play games. What are you aspirations for where this will head to?"

Immature guys will always answer - "I don't know, i jsut want to see where this goes".

.......... ok... i just wrote out a whole bit about answers and mature guys and I just deleted it all because of how contradictory I sounded. LOL

I"m just so blinded and scarred from my past experiences... I mean. Experience. With the one very fucked up loser that just screwed my perception of what a relationship is, and now I have this unrealistic vision of what it is. To the point where I just hide from the world, hide from guys and just don't want to deal with it.

Life is like that isn't it.. When things go wrong, you just keep doing it until you break. Until everything is horribly wrong and you can't fix anything.

I want so badly to just say to this person, "I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I want to fix it some how, but I need more from you."

But i fear that his answer will be, "oh i just thought of you as a friend." or "If this is making you unhappy, then i don't want this anymore".

See how negative both answers are. I just can't have a positive thought a positive answer.

But the most fucked up thing is that I can't control what the outcome will be.

that is.. unless I reframe the question so that the answer IS positive.

..... hrm ..... "I need more from you because this will make me feel secure and safe."

"I would like more from you because this will make me feel more secure and happy".

lol.. see what a difference this will make.

but a immature loser will be like, "Omg.. this is a demand... this is like you're asking too much... omg.. i'm busy you know..." and blah blah blah blah blahhhhhh..

This is where I think.. do i take a risk and say something, or do I not say something and just let it go.

I guess the decision is more clear if this WAS a real relationship. But as the circumstances are the way it is, there's nothing I can do.

Just like in the past.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do anything. Or should I? lol.. gosh i hate this.

No, i'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to watch it die. Like I said earlier. It takes two to tango.

I'm the type of girl that gives 100% and expects 0 in return. But when I've given enough, and don't feel like I'm getting anything, I kind of just go away.

The worst kind of getting away, is going away without saying anything. Like being there but not being there. That's how a lot of things just die without sound.

I think it's all too simple, but guys just don't get it. They just think girls are complicated and crazy.

All a girl ever wants is just to hear someone tell them how much they are being loved, how much they will be cared for, that this person will never leave their side.

No matter how fucked up a girl gets, how angry she gets, how crazy she gets, that's all she wants to hear.

I'm so tired of meeting guys who think of me as second prize. I'm an amazing person. I do amazing things and I put my heart out to give and care and love other people.

i do not deserve to be second prize.

And I'm looking for someone who not only wants to catch me, but I am first prize, that I am the best thing that they ever set their eyes on.

I deserve that.

Black Lisianthus x

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Day 46.5


My stomach hurts like mad right now!! Like really cold and scrunched up... I feel like I have no energy.. I think my body is trying to fight something... Darn.. should've had dinner earlier than 8.00pm. -_-"

I was doing my assignment today and really just getting my head around what to write. A reflective piece is sometimes really difficult to write because you don't know where to start. lol. Well at least I have a really detailed genogram, so now I will use the same style of writing as the reading I read, and write it in that way.

I was also looking for accomodation for a place to stay over the Labour Day weekend.

Yeah.. I'm too busy doing my own stuff to be worried about other people right now. So i'm not sure what is happening with that friend who is going back home. Hopefully she got her ticket and is on her way.

I spent way too much time just getting excited over my genogram, and then forgot to eat dinner. Parents are out today.. and yeah.. when there's no one else to kind of prompt you to eat, you can forget and totally focus on other things.

I've been looking at different route to my student placement.. calculated the time .. and realised public transport would mean I have to wake up at 6:50am and then chase the trains and trams... so yeah... FUCK THAT! lol

I'll just drive. I think it'll be way easier, even if I had to look for a place to park and get some petrol in the morning.. it would STILL be a lot easier and I would be able to wake up at 7.30am. Much better! :)

I've been tired lately. I slept 10 hours today.. which is pretty cool, given that I've been averaging on 5 - 7 hours each day.. and each morning I seem to be awaken by someone calling me about something.. I've realised my phone has all these strange numbers on it..

I am like... so far away from my brain sometimes.. there was one day I thought my toner was my deoderant.. lol. -_-"

I need a man to watch out for me.. and all the crazy things that I'm doing without even thinking these days.

I went on a motor bike ride yesterday! Ok.. it was a scooter.. but nonetheless it was pretty daring..

Killed a huntsmen.. Ok turned the washer whiper thing on, when this massive huntsmen was on the windscreen.. whereas once upon a time I would've just cried and stopped moving... and back in those days it was a tiny spider...

(actually back in the days.. there was A HUGE mango sized one, and I just closed my eyes and squealed!)

Yeah.. Kickboxing soon..

and so is this trip... so dunno when and how i'll get the kick boxing thing.... Oh yeah.. kick boxing tuesdays and thursdays... hrm... so if i have stuent placement tuesday, and tutoring tuesday... then i'll only do kick boxing on thursday.

I'm watching these girls dance on tv.. and it makes me want to go dancing too... LOL

one thing at a time.. kick boxing first...

OK.. i'm gonna have a shower and then sleep.. this tummy ache doesn't seem like it's going to go away...

and I didn't get an email todayyyy...... :(

wonder what's up....

Black Lisianthus x

Day 46

It's been an interesting 6 days since I last posted. Lots to do. Lots to focus on.

Mostly on stuff in regards to the things that I like doing. I don't see what's the point in spending time on things that are just plain boring to me. Being stuck in positions that make you think.. "I wish I wasn't here!"

Basically, making clothes, doing photo shoots, styling, playing music, composing, designing, you tubing, video taping, studying and helping people is what I like doing and that's where I want to be.

I want to be doing that everyday and I want to get paid for it though! LOL

So that's still coming!

As well as that .... You know what I"m talking about God! You sure do! ;)

And you sure know what I want! ;) Oh yeah you do! Oh yeah you do alright! :D

I'm feeling a helluva a lot better lately. Sleepy and tired as anything because I've just being doing heaps and always out... used quite a bit of money this week.. so I'm going to be a little bit mindful of what I'm doing and what I need to achieve.

Distance Ed starts next week, which means I have to start doing my homework and read and stuff....... If I do it the way I do it when I study.. I pretty much don't do anything at all! because I don't read half the readings unless it's good! LOL

I know such a bad student.. I guess first things first I need to work on the assignments!

Eating. I've been eating lately. Both junk and healthy food. Sleepy well.. Waking up earlier than usual. Mental health is ok. But some things came up which was rather annoying.. but aren't all things in some form rather annoying sometimes.

otherwise.. yeah.. it's been good! :D

Photo Shoot was good today.. Really put it into perspective that this project is running and it is happening! which is great because I love progress! I love progress so much! :D

ANyways... must hit the hay!

Black Lisianthus x

Monday, February 15, 2010

Day 40

Wow... I'm so tired.

I feel a lot more energetic, even at the same time reallly tired. I've spent the last 6 days sleeping only about 5 - 7 hours each day.. and then enduring a full days worth of classes of Family and Relationship Counselling, which is realllllllllly draining to say the least!!

It was also Chinese New Year this weekend, so there were many festivities to get to, and many things to do and places to go. I made an effort to go to this one temple in melbourne, in south bank.. forget the name, but I really wanted to go there. I wanted to make a wish, and I've made a promise, to that particular deity and for myself. I'll stick by my words, as always, and I really hope I get this bitch rolling.

It's not so much that I'm looking forward for God makin this one wish come true. Like anything in life, you can't sit there for it to happen, you need to get active and make it happen. I guess I'm just pushing myself along and trying to make me stick to my word.

It's hard to stick to your goals, because of the fear of disappointment and also from the lack of belief that what you want can be achieved. That and because I've set to damn high a goal, that it will be a freaking long way up the mountain for me.

I give myself these damn goals because I don't know any better. I worked hard and I really kind of endure that sense of busyness, so it's hard to kinna not expect that. I don't understand the concept of going to work, doing some work, chilling, lunch, work, meeting, go home... I think i'll always have this belief that work, or the corporate world always involves work work work work work work.

I just really want to do what i do now, and just make money from it. LOL.. I really like the way I live. I like going to school (even though, I won't be for the next three months, because I'm going to do it all via distance) and I like having the time to work on my projects, and my music. I need some thing to do, that I know. I need some kind of reason to get out of the house, and that is my student placement. I suppose if I feel like it, I can go to a library somewhere with my laptop and just work from there, if I can be arsed.

I could also be very pretentious and go to starbucks or gloria jeans and work from there as well. LOL. Like those script writers we hear about in movies and books.

My friend is leaving Melbourne. It's actually quite sad to see her go. Not for the fact because she's leaving, I mean, in all honesty, I think it's best if she goes home... for me personally, i find it sad to see her go because she's not enjoying her stay here at all. That is sad. Though, it's how you make your stay worthwhile that it will become worthwhile. It almost seems like she's getting away from troubled waters and not embracing what she can have here.

I don't blame her though. I don't think she really took advantage of what we can offer.

Though, it's not only just her as an overseas student that has that problem. I mean, some people who've just stayed comfortably where they are in their home land, do the same thing as well. They don't take on what is presented to them. What can be offered to them. To make great use of what they have.

There used to be a tiny brown rabbit who roamed around where I lived. He died today. Well.. i'm not sure when he died, but I saw his body on the way to my house from my car. Stiff. Eyes with no presence. Flies around his carcass. Very dead looking. The reality of death.

For some fucked up reason, on the way to school this morning, death images started to infiltrate my clean mind. Not images of fear. Just images of people dying and bodies moving backwards. It was just an observation, that when people die in shock, that their bodies kind of fling backwards. Like that haunting footage we saw as a young adult of a person being be-headed by guilotine. Now that is what you called, fucking scarring.

-------- dinner time break..

Ok back.

I'm reading this book called "Delusion and Dream" by Sigmund Freud interpreting a story called "Gradiva" which seriously... i've read like 44 pages and it just goes on and on and on.... just like what psychoanalytical theory is all about i suppose.. just on and on.. made me think of this blog really.. just on and on and on. LOL I go on about shit so much that I don't really type emails to people, of this length, i'm so scared i'm boring the crap out of them.. so i'll just stick to this tlaking crap here.

But yeah... death.. rabbit... loss.

You can only make life as rewarding as you make it to be. I know some people would rather just think that they are right all their lives and never really slow down and try to adopt another person's point of view or even just slow down and think what would make me happy and what would I do. Instead, they do what they think they "have to" do and forget that fun is part of life. Big part of life.

I think I was always caught up on that. Ever since my uncle died, I started to chillax. I started to stop fearing my grandpa would die. I mean he would. That's inevitable. Everyone will die, that's the only certainty that one has. Even if I knew the time, date, hour, second, it still wouldn't make a difference. I would still be shocked regardless.. sad maybe.. i don't know.

I still think "is this the call?" but i've stopped allowing myself to get too worked up about it.

Ever since starting this family and relatioship counselling it's really given me a huge perspective over my own family and our dynamics as a system. It's given me a much broader horizon over why and how families are made. It's given me a greater perspective over the person that I am and what i do.

Life has been super easy for me. Emotionally, yeah it's been pretty tough. But i guess, like how we direct our lives, how much significance we give events also is something that we control. Are things really as bad as we give it "that" light? Or is it just something that doesn't accomodate to our expectations, but in the end, we know it will pass.

I'm trying not to give things too much worry.

I spend a great deal of time thinking. Thinking of travelling to the US and seeing friends. Travelling to Canada and seeing (hopefully) a friend or two. Playing music. OmG... how much time have I spent just listening to the music that I can hear internally. Thinking of lyrics, wanting to do covers and just wanting to write more songs and compose.

It's a drug. Music is my drug.

Fashion is my business. Which is something i haven't attended to. I think I really need a plan, and I need timelines and dates otherwise I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just floating around.

Counselling... Where does it fit? My day job? LOL My lifetime philosophical quest and research? I dunno.

- - - - -- - - -

We talked about partners. I've heard this all the freaking time before about the fact that we will always end up with a partner that is like our parent of the opposite sex.

I think that that is true.. the relationships that I've had that has failed are the ones that the guy is similar to my mum. Now those, have def failed. The one guy I dated that was like my dad, was actually pretty good.. and right now.. i think I need that sort of... accomodating person like my dad. Someone who I know is never gone. Someone who will do what is right for me, and support me - without saying too much about what I should or shouldn't do.

I'm quite in the air. I know that. I do really strange things that a lot of people probably wouldn't understand, why or how. lol

And then we started talking a little about sex therapy.. I just cracked up laughing when our educator explained how these psychologists would just stand by the bed with a clipboard and just watch people have sex. LOL. I wonder what they would be writing down? Maybe drawing sex positions? Maybe making notes like, "must try that later". lol

I just thought it was funny as... me and my immaturity! LOL

Finally... biological.

I had brekky this morning, which were two croissants... morning tea was a bag of kettle chips (gross for morning tea)... lunch was instant tom yum noodles (absolutely gross, too sour and just yuckkk!!) ... then I bought kfc chips for afternoon tea.. dinner was just rice and stuff..

Now i just feel sick really.. not full or anything.. just sick. Grotty day with food.

Tired as shit though.. I think I gotta have a shower earlier and just get to bed.. or read something.. reading stuff usually gets me really tired for some reason too.. must be the content.. just makes you wanna sleep.. lol

it's not boring just a lot of technical stuff...

I"m blabbering..

Black Lisianthus x

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Day 36

Today was really strange. Hot day at first.. then funny later on!!

Well... My question today was about myself and why I behave the way I do.. We had to create this genogram for Family and Relationship Counselling and it's actually been eating at me to present my family tree and tell my fellow classmates the history of my family.

There's not really much hot gossip to tell, like other people, but I dunno.. I just really had this urge to do it.

Well.. I finally did today! LOL! Yay! :D

It was nice to go through it myself.. So that I could see for myself the different linkages of people in my family and also having feedback from my lecturer to view my dad in a different perspective... I never saw it like that.. and I highly doubt that my dad ever did as well.

That's the thing sometimes though, you can never really see yourself fully until someone else gives you a mirror.

Today I read in a book called "Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution" (actually quite cheap.. I want to buy it!!) and the quote said that, "A sword cannot stab into itself, just like an eye can never see an eye".

Probably in different words than what I wrote.

We talked a little about roles within a family system. I really liked the idea of family to mean a system - where everyone has a purpose in this system and everyone plays there part.

A few roles we talked about today were:
  • the family hero
  • the scapegoat
  • the care taker
  • the lost child
  • the mascot

Interesting ey.. ?

The family hero is the person who's the high achiever, always highly regarded within the family and the community surrounding, the one that is always there to save the day.

The scapegoat, I would rename the "bad apple".. lol.. the one that seems to be bad, do the wrong things and always take the blame for the family's bad reputation.

The care taker, is the person who's always taking care of everyone, putting everyone else's needs in front of theirs.

The lost child is the person who seems to behave and do what is right by everyone, never misbehaving. But seemingly lonely and quiet.

Finally, the mascot, the one that's the joker of the family, always breaking the bad energy, vibes, silences with a joke but has a hard time fixing their problems.

I found this quite interesting because it explained a lot of my own upbringing and childhood and even the person I am today and why my mind goes into this dark space.

I think I grew up as a lost child, always behaving, never doing anything that was out of place. I never did anything wrong. Never. I never liked the thought of reprimand, didn't want to be yelled at and just wanted to be left alone. Though, I always felt lonely, isolated and didn't belong some times, always off adrift in my own little world.

Though, funnily, as I grew up, I grew up into the family hero. I'm not blowing on my own horn, but I really changed during my adolescent years, where I became a high achiever, doing what I wanted to do, everyone loved my talent, I was the star of my High School.. and I was pretty much determined to take over the world.

But as I grew older, and started to really get into the real world, I made a lot of mistakes and had disappointed myself. I took this on quite hard and blamed myself for being a failure, for failing the family, for being a shitty role model, for just being a bumb, when I really should be like the HERO.

It never really occured to me why I still feel like crap even today, when I feel like I haven't achieved anything tangible.

I guess I knew I took on the role model role, and knew what that really meant, but I didn't know how much it actually penetrates into your mental health and thinking.

Now that I know.. I'm aware of it... What now..?

On another note, I ate well today.. Didn't sleep well though.. Had only 5 hours sleep and nearly fell asleep in class.. like literally nodding off... you know when everything becomes quieter and slower... and then you nod a little (or pretend to look at the work sheet like I did! hehehehehehhe) and then all of a sudden everything just gets louder and more clear and you're like.. What?? LOL

I ate extremely well.. See the funny thing about this is.. the more I eat, seriously, the more I get hungry.

OMG! High light of the day!!! Walking in the RAIN!

OMG, was sooooooooo invigorating!! Loved every minute of it! Probably won't do it again though!! Because BABY I was DRENCHED!! Like super DRENCHED!!! :D

I walked from Vic Markets to Melbourne Central, and it wasn't like just raining.. it was storming and torrential ran styles, with flash flooding.. LOL.. the puddles and drains were filled and water just kept running really quickly, and it was windy...

the water droplets were huge and it just drenched me. from head to toe. Like I was taking a nice warm shower! It was beautiful!! The puddles were warm!! Lucky I wore thongs mate... cos yeah.. I would rather have the water splashing on my feet than to have wet my chucks or something!! Noooooo!!

But yeah.. now i'm exhausted, sleepy and may be a little sick.. so i'm gonna head off and maybe take a panadol just in case! :D

Nighty nights!

Black Lisianthus x

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Day 35

First day of Counselling school in a while.

Felt good to get up early, despite the fact that it was very very hot last night and sleeping was really difficult.. i think I might take an advil tonight, just so i could sleep better.. .I have this major back ache from bad posture...

It was good to feel like life had a purpose today. Like life had meaning. Like I had to wake up for a reason.

It's not often that I have that. It's sad. Yes. Very.

I don't think i work well with goals. I think goal setting doesn't really help me get really far. I guess that's one thing that kind of stops me from achieving my goals is my lack of wanting to set goals. So many have I set and none of which I actually took into action and went forth with it to see the ending.

I guess it's not so much the goal that motivates me. It's the reason. It's the purpose.

Why must I do what I need to do? Why must I seek what I need to seek?

I go to Counselling School to learn a thing or too, and most often than not I learn or find the answers that I need to find.

I don't know why I pursue fashion. I don't know... actually.. I do know.. and it's not as warm as "out of love". It is just for a very very superficial answer. Money. Fame. Fortune. Why lie for? Ok. Maybe not the fame and fortune. Just the superficial side of it.

But also to be revoluntionary. To be innovative, unique and CHANGE the way the WORLD perceives fashion. That's what I want to do.

In terms of Counselling.. I do it because I love to find out about people. I love to find out their motivations, their problems, their blockages and find that pivotal point to help them shift their energy and change for the better. That is my purpose.

I promised myself that no matter how much profit I make at the end of this year 10% will go straight to charity. It doesn't matter if I make, $10 ($1 will go), $1000 ($100 will go), $1,000,000 ($100,000 will go). And I will make this promise again at the temples this CNY weekend.

I've been reading so much about relationships, about disfunctional relationships, about relationships that don't work, about relationships that just eventually fail.. and it just makes me think.. I can't control how someone feels about me. I can only be me. I've learnt not to fear, not to run. Just to stay and just be me.

How this all will eventuate ... I dunno... Actually.. I do know.. It'll be fine.

On a biological... maybe I should be saying.. On a physiological level, I had five meals today. 3 main meals and two in between snacks.. and you know what... I was more hungry than when I only ate two meals a day. Which is kinna weird... But that's what my body does.. strange body.

I was super tired though.. I only got like 6 hours... back pain, eye pain.. and was extremely wanting to sleep by the end of the day today... when my educator was talking about... I can't even remember what he was talking about... shit.. what was he talking about... LOL

Mentally... It was good to be in the space that you just feel so positive and so smart. Imagine what it would feel like to be in a room full of counsellors - all supportive, all non-judgemental, all positive. It's a beautiful feeling.. Oh how I miss it! :D

It was also really good to have really intellectual conversations about philosophical matters concerning life and death, and also understanding the behaviours and perceptions of the human mind. It's lovely. See, now that's a motivation. That tickles my fancy all over my body! :D

I want to become a true healer, so skilled at what I do, that I can change people, by just talking to them.. like an instant. I want to aspire to become just like that!

Like.. BAM!

lol.. a bit like the guy our educator was talking about.. but i forgot his name.. SUCH a great student aren't I! LOL ... he could just fix a dysfunctional family, just by cracking a joke, looking at a child and BAM! Fixed!

Oh a musical level, my friend put up one of my videos on her FB... LOL.. it was kinna embarassing.. LOL.. but very supportive and very kind of her! LOL pimping out my vids. lol.

I was like that.. very supportive, very promotive.. (if that's a word).. but i haven't been in a while.. I guess i'm just tired... and maybe I'm not ready to be there for anyone..

and I guess that's what provocing these thoughts in my head.. i'm starting to feel like i'm potentially hurting people instead of being there for them... :(

aiyayayayayyaa ... me and my heart ..

Black Lisianthus x

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day 34

I cbf.

This game I thought I was playing with Death... Then I thought it was with God..

You know what. I don't care.

I know I'm on the right track, because the things that I feared most about becoming who I was becoming was the shift in the relationships that I was upkeeping.

And you know what.

Family, friends, Off-shore, On-shore ---> these relationships have actually resulted to be actually quite positive and I've just been able to prove to myself that I am able to be assertive and be accepted as a person.

Yeah, there are negative crap in the air... but in the most strangest way, negative crap brings in positive energy. Brings in closeness and brings in a chance to just be more aware of the things that we have.

I am also becoming more brave and WAY more stronger. Way more. By the end of the month, I'm going to be kicking some ass! Yes, ass-whooping kickboxing!! Woo! :D

I held a baby python today! Yup... I was scared shitless... When my cousin told her man to bring it.. I was like.. 'NOOOOOOOOO!!'... but after he took it out and I saw the tiny things face, I was like.. I sooo want to hold it!

And so I did!! It was really strange.. but warm! And cute little face!!! So CUTE!

I think everyone's initial reaction was, "ARGH MA GARDD!! I'm not going to hold that!!"

but after a while.. you kinda just wanna touch it! And hold it! And wanting it to slither against your skin.. I know.. It sounds so fucked! :D

I know there's sadness in the air.. but I know it's good to have it. For the sake of everyone to really re-think about who they are, who they've become and take responsibility for what the family means now.

It's really fucked when a sibling passes away, especially someone that's way younger than you.

I don't think I will ever know what it's like, but I know that in the long run, death is inevitable.

It's actually a good thing that all this bad commotion is happening now and it's bringing a lot of people together.

We were able to just sit back and look at old photos of us as kids. To see how energetic and strong our grandpa was, to see our grandmother ALIVE... To see each of us as kids and how we grew up and what we look like now... wow.. it was incredible..

I think that sometimes you just have to face your fears, and just live up to what you're meant to live up to..

OK.. I don't think I'll ever be ready to hold a freakin tarantula or a freaking bird-eating spider! (~_~) ...

what are my fears...

fear of being disappointed...

fear of being wrong...

fear of being unsuccessful...

fear of letting people down ...

fear of doing wrong by people ...

fear of abandonment ...

fear of dying ...

All quite arbitrary when you think about it... You can't always be right. You can't always be successful, unless you set yourself quite an amazingly high goal .... You can't control whether you've let someone down.. You can't always do the right thing for people, sometimes you need to just do right by yourself... You can be alone, but those who abandon you probably aren't the kinds of people who you need anyway.... there are always people who want to be with you, who want to be close to you.

Fear of dying. I don't actually have a fear of dying. I fear death.. Like death of others... but not of my own death.

I don't think it was God's wish for me to die young. But even in saying that, you don't ever really know anyway.

I ate today. I ate three meals. Three.. even thought little.. they were three meals.. I still woke up at like 11... but that's cos I actually woke up at 7am today.. and couldn't get back to sleep until like.. 8ish... So yeah.. i don't like disrupted sleep like that..

but it's so hard to sleep when it's kinda changing between hot and cold.. so gayy!!!

Anyway.. Gotta go back to my family genogram and then go to bed!


Black Lisianthus x

Monday, February 8, 2010

Day 33

Is God against me or something?

What is God trying to do to me?

Maybe I"ll start the story from yesterday night. Yesterday night at roughly 10.00PM. I had just finished sorting through my mail, filing my bills, fiiling my notices and cleaning the table and a little around my room.

I turned on my computer. Went through all my mail. Had two very difficult emails. One I resolved in the most assertive way possible. The other I just replied with how I felt.

I was thinking of what to do. So I started to re-do my vision board. Take out all the things that were no longer relevant to what I wanted in my life, and put in a lot of things that were.

Anyway.. I get another email, to which I thought and knew that men and women just don't see eye to eye.

But yeah.. I finished off my vision board, felt great about what it looked like and all the things that I aspire to do, then went to sleep. Tried to anyway.

All the while, I actually stopped eating from 4.30pm on Sunday, because I was absolutely full and when I got home, I did eat.

This morning, I couldn't wake up. I set my alarm for 10.30 and just didn't wake up til 11 and didn't get out of bed til 11.30. I brushed my teeth. Then felt so tired. Went back to bed. Sat down for a while.. Then decided to lie down.. then decided to go to sleep again for another hour. I was just too tired.

I was hungry. That i'll give you. I set my alarm for 1.00pm, because I had another counselling session at 2pm today.

I got out of bed, eat one piece of toast with butter and pate. Just sat there at the dining table, thinking about things, crying and just keeping an eye on the time.

I left my house at 1.45pm. Got to the counselling place at 2pm.

The counsellor (look i'm just gonna call her Helen, pseudonym, cos I cbf typing counsellor all the time).

Helen came out to greet me. She asked me how I was, and I know she can tell from my tone that I was really tired and not with it. I just sat down in the chair and started to cry again. Told her about my concern over what is happening with me. It's just not usual that I would not eat and sleep, and from the whole situation with my grandpa, you would THINK that I have the half decency to KNOW by now that sleeping and eating are very very important.

anyway.. we talked about how I felt and what I thought could be a possibility as to why I wasn't sleeping. I said that I had been thinking about it last night. I think that my life is so stagnant. So not-progressive. Well in my eyes anyway. I am very very hard on myself. I expect more from me than from anyone else.

I just felt that I don't do much, and even when I'm trying to DO MUCH, the progression of it is not as fast as I want it to be.

So if there's nothing going on in the day, I just feel like I don't need to wake up as early... I mean what for?

On a physical level, I haven't been eatin well, skipping meals and eating very little. Anxiety provoked it to begin with. With the whole being upset because of my grandpa just made me not want to eat. And that has just kept going. I talked about my indigestion, well, i think my body is over it. It gave me warning signs, I ignored them, now they're trying a new tactic, called.. making you feel really sleepy.

I know this. I know it really well.. that's why I'm really concerned. But there's a greater force called "low self-esteem" or even just "The black dog" who tries to get in your way of life, and refuses to let go.

Like I said before, I'm playing a game with Death, called, "When is it time?"

Anyway. So helen and i started to talk about ways that I could relax and try to fall asleep at night. I was really uncooperative. Which is not like my usual self.

I answered the question that she set for me last week.

"What is your default position?"

I told her that from what had happened this week, my default position was being passive. Whenever I come across conflict or any situation, I am usually passive. Though, from my own experiences and from learning what I've learnt lately, I've realised that being passive was stupid, and I needed to be more assertive, to voice out what I need, want and feel, and communicate with others about my message and my stance.

It was very important to me.

Helen used the example of what I was talking about in the Day 31 (?) post about the person who pretty much made me feel like she wanted to use me. Helen used positives and negatives in relation to being passive and being assertive.

The result was quite fascinating, as the two correlating columns of negative-passive and positive-assertive were the same. The most important factor being that it was ever more important to me to bringforth my message across and to communicate my needs and wants.

I'm tired of being the passive person who just gives and does thing for others, but have me feeling like crap in the end. It's a good thing to help, but I over-help to the point that I lose myself in the process and end up feeling really drained really quickly.

I tried so many methods to try to get over it all. All sorts. So many of my counselling buddies have shared with me their methods.

Anyway.... because I was so used to being passive, it's really difficult for me to be assertive now.

and I have been. I have been assertive, but I didn't realise it. It was more and more important to me to make my point clear. To clearly put forth my stance, in the nicest way possible but at the same time offer advice or offer kinds words.

I am a natural helper. A natural healer, and the one thing I hate is seeing people upset. Seeing people caught up in their problems. Even if I have been feeling shit for the past two months, if I had the energy to make ONE nice statement full of support and encouragement, I would.

But that's the thing. Some times when I say something assertive, it makes the other person feel upset. Because I wasn't the accomodating passive person that just sucks in every bit of my confusion, hurt, pain or what have you, and just do things for you, and screw my feelings.

SO i've been this assertive person lately. and it feels weird. I feel confused.. last night I had this strange feeling. But Helen reassured me and told me that this was normal. This is the feeling of change. I never knew that changing was so difficult and felt so strange.

I'm doing things that I don't normally do and it feels weird. I even accused myself of being selfish and evil, because i'm no longer caring about people's feelings.

And that's why I go crazy. Cos I feel so damn hurt, that I hurt someone else.

Which reminds me of the time when I was a kid, and I slammed the car door shut, not knowing that my grandpa had his hand between the gap of the door.. and I smashed his finger.. I felt so bad, I just cried. I cried and I cried.

That's why I hate being in the wrong. I hate doing wrong to people. I always want to do what others want me to do because it's the easiest way. I'm doing right, so therefore I"m not hurting people.

But it takes a toll. And it's only now that i'm learning the biggest lesson in my life, which is to take a step back and let others do what they need to do.

I can't control how others feel. I really can't. I can only just be myself and do what is right by me.

Without my own physical and mental health and strength, I cannot help others. I cannot bring happiness to others. I cannot love others.

So I was actually feeling really good after this counselling session. I really felt very thankful that Helen really made an effort to illustrate to me and normalise that what I'm feeling is normal. That change feels like that. That I need to embrace this really uncomfortable feeling because this is what it feels like to finally empower myself to be myself and speak up in the most assertive way possible without offending others.

We even talked about setting goals - immediate, short term and long term goals.

And i just imposed a question, cos i thought it was really interesting that -

"Do we need to be able to plan our life in order for it to be happy?"

Just last night I was thinking about the things I needed to see immediately to be able to feel happy. How funny is that, we need to plan a goal for each day, so that when we achieve it, we feel happy. It's really strange..

Anyway.. i don't want to go on too much about it.. I"ll talk about it next time.

Anyway.. so i felt good about everythng.. thought about how I would explain the situation to the person I had an email from... but before that, I was going to go to Coles and buy food. I need to eat right, so I need to buy the food to eat it.

So i did. Walking around looking at different products. Going home with two big bags full of food.. It wasn't the healthiest of food, but i'm sure my body would be more happy with something rather than no food at all.

When I got home, I had to return a call. Put all the food away. Turn on my laptop to check emails.

A few were about a trip that we were planning. An email from that person, which at first I didn't really read it.. just skipped over it. Then I got to one email from my aunty.

That's when the entire of my afternoon became still. Very still.

I spoke of the family dinner I had on saturday. But I didn't tell you, that we were talking about our uncle.

People in VN are usually really scammy and really someone to be weary of. So we were talking about this one family in VN, a relative, a close relative and how they have been really strange lately, and may be trying to scheme up a bad thing..

That's what we all thought. I don't want to get into too much details but it was all associated with money.

It was a classic example of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". It really was.

So from word of mouth, my uncle had a heart condition. It would be stable, but then required surgery..

No one was willing to go with him to another neighbouring asian country. As you would guess, open heart surgery was not something people could perform in VN.

We all thought this was dodgy. That this was strange. We didn't understand why they didn't just sell their property in VN to use it for the surgery.. if that was even necessary.

Anyway.. this email from my aunt. What happened at the end of the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The boy gets killed. This is the same ending with my uncle. He died.

I was absolutely shocked.

Too shocked. I think I only just recovered some strength and some feeling. I was so numb for a while. I didn't know how to email one of the emails back. On the one hand, I was trying to be as appreciative and grateful as I could, but at the same time, my head was not with that situation anymore, it had wondered off into a tragic death.

It just countered everything I felt that day, or even felt in the last week. What is more important in life. To be right, or to be able to be alive and just love. To bring happiness into people's lives.

I'm so confused.

I worry so much about when my grandpa would die, and this happens. Someone else dies in the process.

I'm really really confused.

There's been too much discovery going on. Validation. Great empathy, kind words. And a shocking end to our family.

I didn't have a good relationship with this uncle. I didn't know him well. But I still feel. I feel for his family, no matter how dodgy they are. I feel for my grandparents, who lost their son. My dad for losing his brother.

Life is still moving on though. My mum and dad are still doing their usual routines... my dad out in the backyard gardening, my mum in the kitchen. But I took time out to write this. To share my thoughts with the interweb.

What does this mean now.

That on my family tree, I will now have to put a big cross over my uncle. Now on my family tree there are two crosses. My uncle and my grandmother.

Life is ever so fragile.

That one minute you could be fighting, you could be hating, that you could be scheming..

The next minute, that person isn't there anymore.


Black Lisianthus x

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Day 32

Oh seriously.. watever about the days... i can't keep count!

I feel a bit of "I don't know why I"m trying" feeling today. Seriously.

Am I doing the wrong thing. Or am I just in the wrong moment, or the wrong time.

Am I think way too much, or do I just really know. I think I do. i think i don't. I don't want to focus too much, but I know that I'm just hurting myself even more each day. Don't know whether I want to keep trying, or I just want to kick it off.

I guess it's a slow process? A painfully slow and hurtful process?

Maybe so, maybe not.

I want more than anything to just travel at the moment. Be in a place to just have my own space, not to have to worry about contraints and limitations and boundaries.

Here I am thinking that I'm given all this freedom to do what it takes, and then someone says that I need to be more mindful of doing a project that I'm not given any freedom or responsibility into doing. So basically, what am I doing?

Am I only just a person that someone else uses to find people for her? Or am I actually a person that has a reason or purpose in this whole amalgamation?

I feel like I'm just a pawn piece. A piece that doens't really need to be there. And I'm more than capable to establish things on my own.

Just give me a vision. Please. A real vision.

Stop tantalising me with all these things and I'm just unaware of where these things are even going. Some times I just think, does she even need someone, or was it just something she wanted to do at the spur of the moment, and now she doesn't need someone. Or am I just really incompetant.

Am I just someone that no one really wants to care about or care for. Like I can be shoved up into the corner when people don't need me around?

Am I respected at all?

I know I deserve to be respected. I know I deserve to have what I want, but why does everything still feel so stagnant and so rudimentary. Everything is still in the early stages, and it's been so long. Soo long. And I want more progress than just early staged stuff.


I saw my friend's nephew today.. Was cute as anything. I held him in my arms and just felt like... I want to be happy. I want to have a relationship with someone. I want to have child (I do... but I know I kinna am not ready to have a child with anyone atm... )

I'm so sick of being second best. Of being second in line, IF i'm even in the second position.

I'm sick of being invisible.

Maybe I have to be more aggressive.

Maybe I have to be more forward and show more initiative. Like this one guy said to me when he was interviewing me ... maybe I have to be a little bit more assertive and not just wait around..

Maybe he is right.

Sometimes it just feels so weird to ask. Sometimes.. like how we grew up in school.. we just get given things to do.

And now in the real world, sometimes you don't know whether you're doing too much, too little or not doing the right thing at all.

It's so hard to find a way to understand everyone.

That's why I like to do my own thing. That way, I tell myself what to do. I tell others what to do. I do what I tell myself to do.


Day 31

I really am lost with all these days... counting which day is which and what is what.

The past few days have been really fucked.

Fucked in terms of my sleeping habits. I don't know what's happening. I sleep extremely late at night.. more like in the morning... I sleep at 5am each night.. And it's not like I'm doing anything besides trying to sleep. My mind is just playing and playing the same things over and over.. sing this song.. sing that song.. play this song.. play that song.. record this..

So I had to satisfy it.

I recorded myself singing the songs that I've been wanting to sing and play.. Chucked it on YouTube, and now I'm one of the funnies on the internet that makes music for the world to see.

I didn't advertise it though. I think that slightly a bit gay. I just put it up there really for my own amusement.

I will start to songwrite and get some of my originals uploaded soon though.. Music seems to be the only thing that's not stressful for me.

I've come up with some really amazing ideas, but the one thing that peeves me at the moment is this photography project. I just wanted it to be simple.. and now it seems like it's not. People think too much when they're at home alone.. and they start to talk to other people..

advice and suggestions and everyone fingers start to contaminate the idea, and then the whole process gets mucked up and realllllly hard to manage.

I now know what it feels like to be a manager. You seriously have to manage everything.

I pretty much am the Project Manager for this project. So I'm pushing everyone each day, trying to stay as positive as possible, all the while I'm trying to organise other things..

So yeah... Music is the only thing that I don't have a deadline or a purpose for. I just do it, purely to satisfy myself and because it's fun!

I really need to start to adjust my sleeping habits and times... and really stop playing solitaire.. at least I played a few games today while at the dinner.. hopefully that ok..

I am seriously really tired right now.. i'm not even sure why.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday about anti-D's and the way she made it sound like...

I asked her what it felt like to take anti-D's and she said, "Really relaxed. Really calm. You dn't think of anything, and you just go to sleep."

I was just like.. "OMG!! I WANT SOME!!!"

It sounds so sad to say, but I want to feel really relaxed and really calm and don't have to think. I've been trying ever so hard in the last few days to just stay positive. Stay positive. Stay focused. Believe.

See I believe that I can achieve anything with my business. Anything! and I would do ANYTHING to get it to happen.

What I need to believe is, I need to believe that I"m a great person and I deserve the love, affection and passion that I truly desire. I deserve it. I need to believe that. I need to believe that.

But it's still something I'm working on. Really hard as well.

Mate.. i'm so tired.. might shoot an email and then go to bed.

Black Lisianthus x

Friday, February 5, 2010

Day 28

Seriously.. like what is the date today? Feb 4th going on Feb 5th...

It's day 28, that means my experiement has only been going on for like almost a month, and seriously, why does it feel like TOO much has happened in just less than 28 days?

I seriously think that there's been too many crisis events and turning points and new adventures, thoughts, achievements, risks, challenges and low moments in the last 28 days. It's crazy. Too crazy...

Some things happened, seriously like only a few days ago, yet it feels like it happened ages ago. Well at least at the start of Feb, everything is slowing down. That agitation and that strange warp of feeling is over. I'm glad it's over. Maybe it's was the holidays and during the holidays you go crazy? lol..

Really good readings I've been reading today.. Really profound and most of them have given me the answers that I wanted to look for.

I think that if you have the time to sit back and really think about a question that you really want to ask, eventually the universe will give you the answers. I can say that I've been practising this from last year til now and my experience at my Counselling College has been the best experience that I've ever had a chance to do.

It just keeps getting more and more relevant to my life, each day, as I get into it more and more. Every moment in my life seems to be covered in the class. The people I meet have been the best, and it's given me an energy to meet more people, from all over the place that just seem to fall in on my life at the right moments.

I read this one article by John Gray (The Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus guy). It made me cry. It gave me the question that I was searching for because Mr. Tony Robbins asked us in yesterday's video for Valentine's week, "What is the story that you give yourself?"

I just bursted out crying. The weird thing is, I've read the book before. I read it like years ago.. I thought it was really crap back then.. Thinking it was out dated (written in 1988), like 20 years ago, how relevant could it be?

But the thing is, the way people behave has not really changed much since. Women still need to feel cherished, and men still need to feel needed.


What really took my breath away was the one thing that Gray wrote, "Women need to learn how to ask for what they want" because "men always want to give love to his woman". Ok, obviously not written in those words.. lol.. I think he write far more articulately than I.

But it's small things that we learn each day, because our mind is it it. I've been reading these things for class.. It does seem like something I want to get into in the long run. Perhaps when I've established my own Relationship and Family with someone else.

One question that has got me pondering lately is

"How do two people come together and want to start a family?"

What is that feeling, or thoughts that come into mind.

Think about it.. Two people came from different families. Grew up in different family units, different family systems and family rules. How do these two people who were once strangers, end up together and feel the need to want to be with each other for life?

This is an important question to ask, because what motivates you to want to be with THIS particular person and not THAT one.

Think about the divorce rates. So did they really think about whether they wanted to be with this person in the beginning... was it the right feeling? Did they judge wrongly?

Marriage, as sadly as it occurs, sometimes is done because of responsibility - she's pregnant.

Though, how many people get divorced eventually anyway, even in the presence of having children.

So why is marriage a responsibility? Because a child cannot be born outside of a marriage? But their families can be broken after they've grown up a little.

It makes me think. Why get together in the first place? What motivates you to get married in the first place?

I think that suffices a strong core for my thesis for my research project later on.

A Committed relationship.

Working on a relationship.

Healing a relationship.

Or is it the very fact that people just give up too easily today?

It is much more easier to just write the relationship as not-working, throw it out and try to find another right?

I guess.. the only analogy I could think of, is the very essence that if we do not learn how to ride a bike properly, we can't just throw out this bike and buy another one and then hope that we can ride better.

I think sometimes we fear working on something, because we fear the truth that may be the result of the hard effort.

Insecurity really does people's heads in.. I wonder where it comes from. Being disappointed as a child, from the lack of understanding/love from our parents? Or just from the sheer sadness of the countless times we've failed in relationships, or witnessed failures, that diminish any last traces of hope that THIS particular relationship can actually work?

Makes me wonder really. Maybe the answer will come to me once I start my classes next week. The class seems to be filled with older students.. probably married.. and maybe they can enlighten me. lol

Or maybe YOU can! :)

Black Lisianthus x

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day 27

OMG.. I am furious at the moment! Absolutely FURIOUS!

People in this world just do not understand the concept of "B2B".

Or do they understand that there are other people in this world, and to be sensitive to other people's feelings. Just because someone thinks the world of you, doesn't give you the slightest fucking right to think that you own the goddamn world.

People an easily bring you up, and they can easily bring you down.

You step on my fucking tail, and you're in the other book. The black book. The book of people that I have absolutely no care about.

I'm Black and White. If I think you're cool, I put you in the white book. If I think you're not worth it, you go in the black book.

When I ask a favour from someone, despite all circumstances, situations, I always ask nicely, and show lots of appreciation and graitude for what I'm asking for and I never EVER expect that people will just do things for me for free.

But I DO NOT appreciate people who EXPECT me to help them, and expect me to do things for them, when all they asked was if I knew how to do something. What kind of question is that?

"Do you know how to use an eraser?"

Yes I do. But does is that a question to ask if I know how to use an eraser, or where there hidden agendas that you EXPECTED me to eraser your work for you?

And you would think, why can't I just do it with a loving soul and a loving heart.

Because I'm not a fucken charity.

I do not have to do anything for anyone if I didn't want to.

And maybe, if you had asked me nicely, I may have decided to do to it.

And maybe, if you fucken look at the things that I've done for you lovingly without any hope of anything in exchange, you will realise just how much I've done for you, and you think of what you've done for me?

If you show no gratitude, that's your problem. And with an attitude like thinking you own the world.. seriously.. I don't know how you'll be able to survive in the business world.

The business world is a dog eat dog world. And you need to be very careful of what you do. I've been fucked over so many times by so many different types of people.

I've learnt one thing from all this. Save your own ass. 

Another is, don't take for granted the things people do for you. He who is a real friend, is a real friend for life.

The way someone handles rejection, conflict and kindness, if a true representation of who they are.

I can see very clearly what people are like. Very clearly what they are doing. I just wonder sometimes whether they are aware of it.

Phewww.... Let out a whole pile of steam... Yep.. all out..

Now I can go back to focusing on my many projects!

And just laugh at these mindless people.

Black Lisianthus x

ps. On the upside though, there are people out there who are truly truly beautiful and helpful. These are the ones that I hold close to my heart. The ones that take out their time to care for me, and take out fear of judgement and fear of my yelling at them, and they keep coming back to love me. These are the ones who are my friends and the ones that I will give my heart and soul to.

If you ain't that... well you can think of what kind of friend you are to me.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 26

I'm actually a little inebriated (I actually wrote it as 'enibriated' until I it! lol)

I just had one pot of Boags Draught - Yup full strength, the way I like it. Not light or lite beer.

Anyways. Today was HOT. I worked on my ensembles because I really needed to get them done. Time's ticking and I really need to get them done, send off the photos and really get started with my reading.

This morning, I just could not get up. I just felt really really tired and really sleepy. I didn't wake up til 12 midday.. and I sat in bed thinking about my family tree and my family history for a while. For homework purposes. hehehe..

Then I get a call from my aunt asking me to come over to call the hospital because of my grandpa.. but he was ok, so we didn't have to call. So that's a good thing.

So yeah.. Had my corn and butter for breakfast again, it was really good.. I think I'll get really fat from that... I had a banana later on.. and some tom yum noodles/ramen depending where you're from.. and after that some hainanese chicken rice. It sounds like a lot of food.. but I only had small portions.

Mood was ok. Just kinna really trying to get my garments done. So I actually had to sit down and think about what it would look like. But as I said the other day, this is not the blog to talk about that stuff. lol

I didn't end up singing the song today. I didn't have time in the morning and I also just lost the mood towards the end of the day. My voice wasn't doing it at all today.. I didn't feel connected to the song and just not good for singing.. so I didn't do it. Now, I even can't do it even more, because I'm a little on air.

I pimped out my chord progression that I mucked around with the other day, and sent it off to Xwansongs. Just a chord progression and some lyrics that I wrote.. A chorus and a verse. I can't even remember what the actual lyrics were ... but the song it self is about a person who stands as a bystander looking into the relationship that she is in, and she has to leave it because she knows that the perceptions and the goals of the relationship were different. It was something I wrote when I was feeling really shitty...

and the verse I just pieced together this avo, because last night I wrote the line "I am sitting on a bench called objective" which I wrote because I feel that I've been sitting on the edge and telling my friends and also myself, objectively what the problem is at this current moment. I'm an amazing person in that sense, that I can take myself out of the situation, out of my own pain, and see what it going on from an outsider's perspective.

I'll pat myself on the back for that.

I also, see very objectively someone else's problem and situation as well. I guess it's a skill to develop.

My friend just came back from her US trip. So it was just funny listening to her stories.. And i'm just fascinated by the way they do business there, it's amazing how silly things can be. And it's even more silly just how much the GFC has fucked over the US and how much homelessness is everywhere, yet it doesn't seem like people really care much to do anything, but to just go on their everyday lives doing whatever they do.

It's like.. It's your own nation, don't you care?

I know there's probably a very small community of people who DO care, but otherwise ... meh..

I also am very tempted to go to America and open a restaurant there.. Aussie style!. Yup... Aussie style!

But at the same time I'm really fascinated to know WHY there are so many taxes and things that get charged.. what is the REAL DEAL.

That and I wanna go there to drink... since it sounds like it's so goddamn cheap.. I just wanna go there and drink beer! Buddies!!! One of my fav beers!! :D

Anywhoo... There wasn't much significant going on today... So toodles!

Black Lisianthus x

Day 25

Day 25.

The start of February actually started out really good. Even though it's only been one full 24 hours. lol.

Last night after my rant and being ass-glued to the coach for virtually the entire weekend, I decided to retreat to my room and play some music.

Music has been the only thing that brings joy to me. Brings a great positivity that I so need. Gives me an energy to be happy. I actually do notice that when I'm really NOT happy, I don't listen to music. I actively make an effort to NOT listen to anything.

I was listening to my dreamy music list which has all the soppy love songs you could think of! And this one song came up and I was like... I wonder if I can find the guitar chords for it. So I googled it. I did find the tabs, but what's better... I found someone who played it on YouTube!! WOAH!! :D

So you know what I did for the next hour?? Sang the song repeatedly!!! :D

It was the best!!! OMGoshh.. I have not felt that good in soooooo long!!!

Let's just say it was a really realllllllyyyyy beautiful song. i think if I find the guts to, I will share it with the YouTube world.

Today I had my session with the counsellor. It was actuallly really good. Balled my eyes out. Pretty much re-capped the entire grandpa incident.... it is a tough incident.

She said a lot of things to me.. some were completely off the mark, some were actually pretty good. She asked me whether this grandpa incident reminded me of when my grandmother died.... and that's when the water works started.

I am a very romantic person. That I've realised. Really really romantic. I think the best of everything and everyone. I think of all these great romantic stories and think of how one day I'd meet my dear prince. I think it was greatly influenced by my grandparents and seeing them, after 50 years of marriage, of ups and downs, of disease, stroke and all; that they could still look at each other in the eyes and not have to communicate with words.

And from then... I'm spoilt. lol.. that is exactly how I see what I think of what a true and lasting relationship is.

And how weird is it that I'll be starting Family and Relationship Counselling next week?? Funny how things work out eyy?

I just balled my eyes out.. I don't think I've balled my eyes out before in front of her. They were controlled tears... Today was like.. croaking voice, streaming tears, snot..... LOL.. UGLY!! But it felt so good to just cryy!! Like REAL CRY! Lovely!! :D

We ... I mean "I" talked about almost every loss that I had in the last two-three months.. so I felt a bit sorry for her for having some girl walk in and just dump like all this complicated grief and bereavement on her.

I guess I know very well now that I'm very 50/50 now. We talked about how empathic I was. I know I am. And yes it is a very beautiful thing to be as empathic and loving as I am, but it brings a lot of cons... I also feel the need to make others happier, to help them fix their lives. I attract a lot of people who have bad problems.. lol.. i can feel a new one swimming closer to me as we speak..

i can offer words of comfort. it does give me a lot of energy to do it. But recently, I have found no tolerance for my friends who come to me with the same issues.

So because I had a bit of energy today, and felt like I had a whole load of balls, I confronted two of my friends. Just really gave it to them. No holding back. Sometimes people just need to hear what they don't want to hear. You need it. A wake up call. A reality punch.

Some people can't see the signs that the universe sends them. Some think they do, but they don't actively do anything because they hold onto really unthoughtout thoughts.. lol.. gosh.. sounds so contradictory.

But yeah.. i'm glad i'm back where I am.. serious.. mature... I do laugh now at all the immature shit I've been doing lately.. I guess sometimes you do fall back. Maybe that's something I have to think about and maybe bring it up next time I see the counsellor.

I actually already start to feel a lot better. I'm back to my old roots... although from tomorrow onwards, there will be a reason to be on the computer again.... readings!!! sighh.... I actually did think of buying the book, but I cbf really... Just read it on the computer and just write down notes. Probably works out better that way anyway.. I do need a note book though... hrm......

Anyway.. Now i'm rambling.. This morning, I tried to be healthy and had a corn for brunch - smothered in BUTTER!! WOO! LOL.. well to balance that I had a plum later on... lol my one source of healthy today!! :)

I'm going to make a conscious effort to record this song.. Oh yes.. I finally realised today what the term "Guilty Pleasure" meant. I was talking about the sorts of things that I do that actually lift my spirit and I said that the only thing that gives me that is picking up my guitar and play a song and sing. Only thing that makes me happy... but I felt guilty ... like singing is my "guilty pleasure". I'm supposed to be unhappy. I'm supposed to feel down in the dumps...

.... but at the same time... I can't actually hide the fact that there are things in my life that i actually feel happy about. Looking at pictures of my friends new born kids... looking at people I know or don't know's wedding pictures on facebook.. really is a guilty pleasure as well... LOL

I'm like a happy stalker.. I stalk other people's happiness. lol ... it feeds me. LOL

Ok anyway.. maybe I might share my guilty pleasure song tomorrow.. Actually i will make that conscious effort to do it. but I WON'T advertise it... I'll just have it up there. I may share it with one person though. I think I owe this one person an apology for the immaturity and complete irrational idiot I've been in the last month. No one has to suffer that. Especially not a friend. I will apologise to this person after I wake up, given that it will be his birthday tomorrow. Maybe I might share that link with him...

but if he reads this blog (which i don't think he does anyway) it will ruin the surprise.. LOL

Anyways.. I must sleep... should I sneak in a few games of solitaire?? For kicks??? I'm soooo tired... I had 6.5 hours of sleep cos I made a conscious effort to wake up early today.. I was on the net late.. but my friend wanted to talk for a while... and a whole hour went by.... LOL

Black Lisianthus x