Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 25

Day 25.

The start of February actually started out really good. Even though it's only been one full 24 hours. lol.

Last night after my rant and being ass-glued to the coach for virtually the entire weekend, I decided to retreat to my room and play some music.

Music has been the only thing that brings joy to me. Brings a great positivity that I so need. Gives me an energy to be happy. I actually do notice that when I'm really NOT happy, I don't listen to music. I actively make an effort to NOT listen to anything.

I was listening to my dreamy music list which has all the soppy love songs you could think of! And this one song came up and I was like... I wonder if I can find the guitar chords for it. So I googled it. I did find the tabs, but what's better... I found someone who played it on YouTube!! WOAH!! :D

So you know what I did for the next hour?? Sang the song repeatedly!!! :D

It was the best!!! OMGoshh.. I have not felt that good in soooooo long!!!

Let's just say it was a really realllllllyyyyy beautiful song. i think if I find the guts to, I will share it with the YouTube world.

Today I had my session with the counsellor. It was actuallly really good. Balled my eyes out. Pretty much re-capped the entire grandpa incident.... it is a tough incident.

She said a lot of things to me.. some were completely off the mark, some were actually pretty good. She asked me whether this grandpa incident reminded me of when my grandmother died.... and that's when the water works started.

I am a very romantic person. That I've realised. Really really romantic. I think the best of everything and everyone. I think of all these great romantic stories and think of how one day I'd meet my dear prince. I think it was greatly influenced by my grandparents and seeing them, after 50 years of marriage, of ups and downs, of disease, stroke and all; that they could still look at each other in the eyes and not have to communicate with words.

And from then... I'm spoilt. lol.. that is exactly how I see what I think of what a true and lasting relationship is.

And how weird is it that I'll be starting Family and Relationship Counselling next week?? Funny how things work out eyy?

I just balled my eyes out.. I don't think I've balled my eyes out before in front of her. They were controlled tears... Today was like.. croaking voice, streaming tears, snot..... LOL.. UGLY!! But it felt so good to just cryy!! Like REAL CRY! Lovely!! :D

We ... I mean "I" talked about almost every loss that I had in the last two-three months.. so I felt a bit sorry for her for having some girl walk in and just dump like all this complicated grief and bereavement on her.

I guess I know very well now that I'm very 50/50 now. We talked about how empathic I was. I know I am. And yes it is a very beautiful thing to be as empathic and loving as I am, but it brings a lot of cons... I also feel the need to make others happier, to help them fix their lives. I attract a lot of people who have bad problems.. lol.. i can feel a new one swimming closer to me as we speak..

i can offer words of comfort. it does give me a lot of energy to do it. But recently, I have found no tolerance for my friends who come to me with the same issues.

So because I had a bit of energy today, and felt like I had a whole load of balls, I confronted two of my friends. Just really gave it to them. No holding back. Sometimes people just need to hear what they don't want to hear. You need it. A wake up call. A reality punch.

Some people can't see the signs that the universe sends them. Some think they do, but they don't actively do anything because they hold onto really unthoughtout thoughts.. lol.. gosh.. sounds so contradictory.

But yeah.. i'm glad i'm back where I am.. serious.. mature... I do laugh now at all the immature shit I've been doing lately.. I guess sometimes you do fall back. Maybe that's something I have to think about and maybe bring it up next time I see the counsellor.

I actually already start to feel a lot better. I'm back to my old roots... although from tomorrow onwards, there will be a reason to be on the computer again.... readings!!! sighh.... I actually did think of buying the book, but I cbf really... Just read it on the computer and just write down notes. Probably works out better that way anyway.. I do need a note book though... hrm......

Anyway.. Now i'm rambling.. This morning, I tried to be healthy and had a corn for brunch - smothered in BUTTER!! WOO! LOL.. well to balance that I had a plum later on... lol my one source of healthy today!! :)

I'm going to make a conscious effort to record this song.. Oh yes.. I finally realised today what the term "Guilty Pleasure" meant. I was talking about the sorts of things that I do that actually lift my spirit and I said that the only thing that gives me that is picking up my guitar and play a song and sing. Only thing that makes me happy... but I felt guilty ... like singing is my "guilty pleasure". I'm supposed to be unhappy. I'm supposed to feel down in the dumps...

.... but at the same time... I can't actually hide the fact that there are things in my life that i actually feel happy about. Looking at pictures of my friends new born kids... looking at people I know or don't know's wedding pictures on facebook.. really is a guilty pleasure as well... LOL

I'm like a happy stalker.. I stalk other people's happiness. lol ... it feeds me. LOL

Ok anyway.. maybe I might share my guilty pleasure song tomorrow.. Actually i will make that conscious effort to do it. but I WON'T advertise it... I'll just have it up there. I may share it with one person though. I think I owe this one person an apology for the immaturity and complete irrational idiot I've been in the last month. No one has to suffer that. Especially not a friend. I will apologise to this person after I wake up, given that it will be his birthday tomorrow. Maybe I might share that link with him...

but if he reads this blog (which i don't think he does anyway) it will ruin the surprise.. LOL

Anyways.. I must sleep... should I sneak in a few games of solitaire?? For kicks??? I'm soooo tired... I had 6.5 hours of sleep cos I made a conscious effort to wake up early today.. I was on the net late.. but my friend wanted to talk for a while... and a whole hour went by.... LOL

Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.