First day of Counselling school in a while.
Felt good to get up early, despite the fact that it was very very hot last night and sleeping was really difficult.. i think I might take an advil tonight, just so i could sleep better.. .I have this major back ache from bad posture...
It was good to feel like life had a purpose today. Like life had meaning. Like I had to wake up for a reason.
It's not often that I have that. It's sad. Yes. Very.
I don't think i work well with goals. I think goal setting doesn't really help me get really far. I guess that's one thing that kind of stops me from achieving my goals is my lack of wanting to set goals. So many have I set and none of which I actually took into action and went forth with it to see the ending.
I guess it's not so much the goal that motivates me. It's the reason. It's the purpose.
Why must I do what I need to do? Why must I seek what I need to seek?
I go to Counselling School to learn a thing or too, and most often than not I learn or find the answers that I need to find.
I don't know why I pursue fashion. I don't know... actually.. I do know.. and it's not as warm as "out of love". It is just for a very very superficial answer. Money. Fame. Fortune. Why lie for? Ok. Maybe not the fame and fortune. Just the superficial side of it.
But also to be revoluntionary. To be innovative, unique and CHANGE the way the WORLD perceives fashion. That's what I want to do.
In terms of Counselling.. I do it because I love to find out about people. I love to find out their motivations, their problems, their blockages and find that pivotal point to help them shift their energy and change for the better. That is my purpose.
I promised myself that no matter how much profit I make at the end of this year 10% will go straight to charity. It doesn't matter if I make, $10 ($1 will go), $1000 ($100 will go), $1,000,000 ($100,000 will go). And I will make this promise again at the temples this CNY weekend.
I've been reading so much about relationships, about disfunctional relationships, about relationships that don't work, about relationships that just eventually fail.. and it just makes me think.. I can't control how someone feels about me. I can only be me. I've learnt not to fear, not to run. Just to stay and just be me.
How this all will eventuate ... I dunno... Actually.. I do know.. It'll be fine.
On a biological... maybe I should be saying.. On a physiological level, I had five meals today. 3 main meals and two in between snacks.. and you know what... I was more hungry than when I only ate two meals a day. Which is kinna weird... But that's what my body does.. strange body.
I was super tired though.. I only got like 6 hours... back pain, eye pain.. and was extremely wanting to sleep by the end of the day today... when my educator was talking about... I can't even remember what he was talking about... shit.. what was he talking about... LOL
Mentally... It was good to be in the space that you just feel so positive and so smart. Imagine what it would feel like to be in a room full of counsellors - all supportive, all non-judgemental, all positive. It's a beautiful feeling.. Oh how I miss it! :D
It was also really good to have really intellectual conversations about philosophical matters concerning life and death, and also understanding the behaviours and perceptions of the human mind. It's lovely. See, now that's a motivation. That tickles my fancy all over my body! :D
I want to become a true healer, so skilled at what I do, that I can change people, by just talking to them.. like an instant. I want to aspire to become just like that!
lol.. a bit like the guy our educator was talking about.. but i forgot his name.. SUCH a great student aren't I! LOL ... he could just fix a dysfunctional family, just by cracking a joke, looking at a child and BAM! Fixed!
Oh a musical level, my friend put up one of my videos on her FB... LOL.. it was kinna embarassing.. LOL.. but very supportive and very kind of her! LOL pimping out my vids. lol.
I was like that.. very supportive, very promotive.. (if that's a word).. but i haven't been in a while.. I guess i'm just tired... and maybe I'm not ready to be there for anyone..
and I guess that's what provocing these thoughts in my head.. i'm starting to feel like i'm potentially hurting people instead of being there for them... :(
aiyayayayayyaa ... me and my heart ..
Black Lisianthus x
10 months ago