Sunday, February 7, 2010

Day 32

Oh seriously.. watever about the days... i can't keep count!

I feel a bit of "I don't know why I"m trying" feeling today. Seriously.

Am I doing the wrong thing. Or am I just in the wrong moment, or the wrong time.

Am I think way too much, or do I just really know. I think I do. i think i don't. I don't want to focus too much, but I know that I'm just hurting myself even more each day. Don't know whether I want to keep trying, or I just want to kick it off.

I guess it's a slow process? A painfully slow and hurtful process?

Maybe so, maybe not.

I want more than anything to just travel at the moment. Be in a place to just have my own space, not to have to worry about contraints and limitations and boundaries.

Here I am thinking that I'm given all this freedom to do what it takes, and then someone says that I need to be more mindful of doing a project that I'm not given any freedom or responsibility into doing. So basically, what am I doing?

Am I only just a person that someone else uses to find people for her? Or am I actually a person that has a reason or purpose in this whole amalgamation?

I feel like I'm just a pawn piece. A piece that doens't really need to be there. And I'm more than capable to establish things on my own.

Just give me a vision. Please. A real vision.

Stop tantalising me with all these things and I'm just unaware of where these things are even going. Some times I just think, does she even need someone, or was it just something she wanted to do at the spur of the moment, and now she doesn't need someone. Or am I just really incompetant.

Am I just someone that no one really wants to care about or care for. Like I can be shoved up into the corner when people don't need me around?

Am I respected at all?

I know I deserve to be respected. I know I deserve to have what I want, but why does everything still feel so stagnant and so rudimentary. Everything is still in the early stages, and it's been so long. Soo long. And I want more progress than just early staged stuff.


I saw my friend's nephew today.. Was cute as anything. I held him in my arms and just felt like... I want to be happy. I want to have a relationship with someone. I want to have child (I do... but I know I kinna am not ready to have a child with anyone atm... )

I'm so sick of being second best. Of being second in line, IF i'm even in the second position.

I'm sick of being invisible.

Maybe I have to be more aggressive.

Maybe I have to be more forward and show more initiative. Like this one guy said to me when he was interviewing me ... maybe I have to be a little bit more assertive and not just wait around..

Maybe he is right.

Sometimes it just feels so weird to ask. Sometimes.. like how we grew up in school.. we just get given things to do.

And now in the real world, sometimes you don't know whether you're doing too much, too little or not doing the right thing at all.

It's so hard to find a way to understand everyone.

That's why I like to do my own thing. That way, I tell myself what to do. I tell others what to do. I do what I tell myself to do.


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The Black Lisianthus.