I really am lost with all these days... counting which day is which and what is what.
The past few days have been really fucked.
Fucked in terms of my sleeping habits. I don't know what's happening. I sleep extremely late at night.. more like in the morning... I sleep at 5am each night.. And it's not like I'm doing anything besides trying to sleep. My mind is just playing and playing the same things over and over.. sing this song.. sing that song.. play this song.. play that song.. record this..
So I had to satisfy it.
I recorded myself singing the songs that I've been wanting to sing and play.. Chucked it on YouTube, and now I'm one of the funnies on the internet that makes music for the world to see.
I didn't advertise it though. I think that slightly a bit gay. I just put it up there really for my own amusement.
I will start to songwrite and get some of my originals uploaded soon though.. Music seems to be the only thing that's not stressful for me.
I've come up with some really amazing ideas, but the one thing that peeves me at the moment is this photography project. I just wanted it to be simple.. and now it seems like it's not. People think too much when they're at home alone.. and they start to talk to other people..
advice and suggestions and everyone fingers start to contaminate the idea, and then the whole process gets mucked up and realllllly hard to manage.
I now know what it feels like to be a manager. You seriously have to manage everything.
I pretty much am the Project Manager for this project. So I'm pushing everyone each day, trying to stay as positive as possible, all the while I'm trying to organise other things..
So yeah... Music is the only thing that I don't have a deadline or a purpose for. I just do it, purely to satisfy myself and because it's fun!
I really need to start to adjust my sleeping habits and times... and really stop playing solitaire.. at least I played a few games today while at the dinner.. hopefully that ok..
I am seriously really tired right now.. i'm not even sure why.
I was speaking to a friend yesterday about anti-D's and the way she made it sound like...
I asked her what it felt like to take anti-D's and she said, "Really relaxed. Really calm. You dn't think of anything, and you just go to sleep."
I was just like.. "OMG!! I WANT SOME!!!"
It sounds so sad to say, but I want to feel really relaxed and really calm and don't have to think. I've been trying ever so hard in the last few days to just stay positive. Stay positive. Stay focused. Believe.
See I believe that I can achieve anything with my business. Anything! and I would do ANYTHING to get it to happen.
What I need to believe is, I need to believe that I"m a great person and I deserve the love, affection and passion that I truly desire. I deserve it. I need to believe that. I need to believe that.
But it's still something I'm working on. Really hard as well.
Mate.. i'm so tired.. might shoot an email and then go to bed.
Black Lisianthus x
5 months ago