It's been 6 months of 2010 already and I dare say that I cannot believe I made it thus far.
Life is way too weird and it gets way more weird as each day unfolds and you start to see unfamiliar things, listen to things that you may not want to hear and feel all these strange and new feelings that torment me and stir up unwanted feelings.
I still wish in so many ways to just get up and leave and start a new life somewhere else and leave everything behind here. Everything.
I don't know whether life is supposed to be here or it's meant to be somewhere else. Or perhaps I don't want to have life here for now, and for the next few years, I feel as if life should be had elsewhere and then I will return.
Do I feel as if there is a place here?
Not really. I don't feel as if there is a worth being here.
I think that I did. I think that there was a person that I thought, yes, this person might be a reason for staying here, but this was all a fantasy and a dream.
I didn't really understand the cloud that was overpowering me, causing many nights where I just didn't want to sleep, and many days I just did not want to wake up. I thought it was just the sheer hatred for the person within me that couldn't find a job. But I have a job. A job that I go to, sometimes without purpose but for the fact that it's a routine and a place to go to do 'something', and some times, I don't know what that 'something' is until I'm there.
I just want to finish off my studies because I don't want to keep doing it anymore.
I do want a relationship and it's so apparent that no one really understands what's happening, nor do they want to understand.
I'm not even so sure whether people support what I'm doing, or what I want to do.
And it's fair because it's their opinion and not mine.
What makes me really fucked in the head is that I want to be loved for who I am.
I don't want to be "Oh she's ok" to someone. I've had that experience before and it didn't end up in a good place at all. Have I gotten over that experience, probably not. Do I want to confront the guy? I don't know. I don't see how that would solve anyone's problems, perhaps just solve mine, but this is a guy that is so broken up inside that anything that goes on will shatter him.
I don't want to be the girl that someone "will give it a go and see what happens". No I don't want that.
I want to be someone's, "Yup, she's the one that I've been waiting for." the girl that someone will willingly do things for, sit by my side, want to make me smile, show me his world and love me and let me love him.
I don't want to try hard for anyone. Is that love? Is love meant for a girl to try hard to get and try hard to keep. NO
and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of having to try to make up a relationship with someone who didn't even bother to try. and if you think that moving three centimetres than I'm sorry, I think it's more of your own motivation and what you want, than what you actually think is right for me.
Do I feel loved by the people that I love?
Not really. And I know I am slowly moving away from people. Placing all my emotions and my experiences and beliefs into small containers and storing them away. Who is close to me, who is not.
Who actually wants to be my friend for life and who has other intentions.
I feel like I"m in such a hellish place and it's doing my head in at the moment. I don't enjoy any moment of it. I don't enjoy where I live each day. I don't enjoy what I do each day, that sort of routine that I have.
I still want to wake up everyday in a different place. Facing a window, overlooking something beautiful. The sea, the mountains, the gardens, the hills.
I want to wake up next to someone I feel warm next to. Someone who will give me a chance to see a world that I have not yet seen and have not experienced.
I want to feel apart of a loving and warm place with people who value me, respect me, and care for me.
i want to wake up each day not having to think or get angry with things that I cannot control, that I don't want to control and I don't want to be apart of.
I don't want to be apart of that person's life. At all.
and even if that person wanted something to do with my life, it's up to that person to do something about it and not for me to even think about. Me thinking about it only makes it worse for me. But quite frankly, despite what you think, or what you know, I KNOW that I don't see a future with that person. I don't want to be that person who has to endure that unsolicited or unpredictable temperament, where I don't know when he will react or he will ok.
I'm the one who has to live the rest of my life. I'm the one who will be the one to wake up next to this person and share a life with this person, not anyone else.
so, yes, I think that I have a say in what I do, and who I want to be with, and I don't need to justify this to anyone, nor do I have to have support.
But it gets to the point of whether or not I believe that when something bad does happen, do I have anyone to turn to, do I have anyone that will still support me, or will I just endure it alone.
If it came down to my choice, possibly, keeping it to myself will be th easier option. Whether I am happy or not, only I will ever know. Perhaps, I really need to rethink about my direction, and re-think about what exactly I want to do with my life and where exactly do I want to be.
9 months ago