Well... My question today was about myself and why I behave the way I do.. We had to create this genogram for Family and Relationship Counselling and it's actually been eating at me to present my family tree and tell my fellow classmates the history of my family.
There's not really much hot gossip to tell, like other people, but I dunno.. I just really had this urge to do it.
Well.. I finally did today! LOL! Yay! :D
It was nice to go through it myself.. So that I could see for myself the different linkages of people in my family and also having feedback from my lecturer to view my dad in a different perspective... I never saw it like that.. and I highly doubt that my dad ever did as well.
That's the thing sometimes though, you can never really see yourself fully until someone else gives you a mirror.
Today I read in a book called "Change: Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution" (actually quite cheap.. I want to buy it!!) and the quote said that, "A sword cannot stab into itself, just like an eye can never see an eye".
Probably in different words than what I wrote.
We talked a little about roles within a family system. I really liked the idea of family to mean a system - where everyone has a purpose in this system and everyone plays there part.
A few roles we talked about today were:
- the family hero
- the scapegoat
- the care taker
- the lost child
- the mascot
Interesting ey.. ?
The family hero is the person who's the high achiever, always highly regarded within the family and the community surrounding, the one that is always there to save the day.
The scapegoat, I would rename the "bad apple".. lol.. the one that seems to be bad, do the wrong things and always take the blame for the family's bad reputation.
The care taker, is the person who's always taking care of everyone, putting everyone else's needs in front of theirs.
The lost child is the person who seems to behave and do what is right by everyone, never misbehaving. But seemingly lonely and quiet.
Finally, the mascot, the one that's the joker of the family, always breaking the bad energy, vibes, silences with a joke but has a hard time fixing their problems.
I found this quite interesting because it explained a lot of my own upbringing and childhood and even the person I am today and why my mind goes into this dark space.
I think I grew up as a lost child, always behaving, never doing anything that was out of place. I never did anything wrong. Never. I never liked the thought of reprimand, didn't want to be yelled at and just wanted to be left alone. Though, I always felt lonely, isolated and didn't belong some times, always off adrift in my own little world.
Though, funnily, as I grew up, I grew up into the family hero. I'm not blowing on my own horn, but I really changed during my adolescent years, where I became a high achiever, doing what I wanted to do, everyone loved my talent, I was the star of my High School.. and I was pretty much determined to take over the world.
But as I grew older, and started to really get into the real world, I made a lot of mistakes and had disappointed myself. I took this on quite hard and blamed myself for being a failure, for failing the family, for being a shitty role model, for just being a bumb, when I really should be like the HERO.
It never really occured to me why I still feel like crap even today, when I feel like I haven't achieved anything tangible.
I guess I knew I took on the role model role, and knew what that really meant, but I didn't know how much it actually penetrates into your mental health and thinking.
Now that I know.. I'm aware of it... What now..?
On another note, I ate well today.. Didn't sleep well though.. Had only 5 hours sleep and nearly fell asleep in class.. like literally nodding off... you know when everything becomes quieter and slower... and then you nod a little (or pretend to look at the work sheet like I did! hehehehehehhe) and then all of a sudden everything just gets louder and more clear and you're like.. What?? LOL
I ate extremely well.. See the funny thing about this is.. the more I eat, seriously, the more I get hungry.
OMG! High light of the day!!! Walking in the RAIN!
OMG, was sooooooooo invigorating!! Loved every minute of it! Probably won't do it again though!! Because BABY I was DRENCHED!! Like super DRENCHED!!! :D
I walked from Vic Markets to Melbourne Central, and it wasn't like just raining.. it was storming and torrential ran styles, with flash flooding.. LOL.. the puddles and drains were filled and water just kept running really quickly, and it was windy...
the water droplets were huge and it just drenched me. from head to toe. Like I was taking a nice warm shower! It was beautiful!! The puddles were warm!! Lucky I wore thongs mate... cos yeah.. I would rather have the water splashing on my feet than to have wet my chucks or something!! Noooooo!!
But yeah.. now i'm exhausted, sleepy and may be a little sick.. so i'm gonna head off and maybe take a panadol just in case! :D
Black Lisianthus x