Monday, February 15, 2010

Day 40

Wow... I'm so tired.

I feel a lot more energetic, even at the same time reallly tired. I've spent the last 6 days sleeping only about 5 - 7 hours each day.. and then enduring a full days worth of classes of Family and Relationship Counselling, which is realllllllllly draining to say the least!!

It was also Chinese New Year this weekend, so there were many festivities to get to, and many things to do and places to go. I made an effort to go to this one temple in melbourne, in south bank.. forget the name, but I really wanted to go there. I wanted to make a wish, and I've made a promise, to that particular deity and for myself. I'll stick by my words, as always, and I really hope I get this bitch rolling.

It's not so much that I'm looking forward for God makin this one wish come true. Like anything in life, you can't sit there for it to happen, you need to get active and make it happen. I guess I'm just pushing myself along and trying to make me stick to my word.

It's hard to stick to your goals, because of the fear of disappointment and also from the lack of belief that what you want can be achieved. That and because I've set to damn high a goal, that it will be a freaking long way up the mountain for me.

I give myself these damn goals because I don't know any better. I worked hard and I really kind of endure that sense of busyness, so it's hard to kinna not expect that. I don't understand the concept of going to work, doing some work, chilling, lunch, work, meeting, go home... I think i'll always have this belief that work, or the corporate world always involves work work work work work work.

I just really want to do what i do now, and just make money from it. LOL.. I really like the way I live. I like going to school (even though, I won't be for the next three months, because I'm going to do it all via distance) and I like having the time to work on my projects, and my music. I need some thing to do, that I know. I need some kind of reason to get out of the house, and that is my student placement. I suppose if I feel like it, I can go to a library somewhere with my laptop and just work from there, if I can be arsed.

I could also be very pretentious and go to starbucks or gloria jeans and work from there as well. LOL. Like those script writers we hear about in movies and books.

My friend is leaving Melbourne. It's actually quite sad to see her go. Not for the fact because she's leaving, I mean, in all honesty, I think it's best if she goes home... for me personally, i find it sad to see her go because she's not enjoying her stay here at all. That is sad. Though, it's how you make your stay worthwhile that it will become worthwhile. It almost seems like she's getting away from troubled waters and not embracing what she can have here.

I don't blame her though. I don't think she really took advantage of what we can offer.

Though, it's not only just her as an overseas student that has that problem. I mean, some people who've just stayed comfortably where they are in their home land, do the same thing as well. They don't take on what is presented to them. What can be offered to them. To make great use of what they have.

There used to be a tiny brown rabbit who roamed around where I lived. He died today. Well.. i'm not sure when he died, but I saw his body on the way to my house from my car. Stiff. Eyes with no presence. Flies around his carcass. Very dead looking. The reality of death.

For some fucked up reason, on the way to school this morning, death images started to infiltrate my clean mind. Not images of fear. Just images of people dying and bodies moving backwards. It was just an observation, that when people die in shock, that their bodies kind of fling backwards. Like that haunting footage we saw as a young adult of a person being be-headed by guilotine. Now that is what you called, fucking scarring.

-------- dinner time break..

Ok back.

I'm reading this book called "Delusion and Dream" by Sigmund Freud interpreting a story called "Gradiva" which seriously... i've read like 44 pages and it just goes on and on and on.... just like what psychoanalytical theory is all about i suppose.. just on and on.. made me think of this blog really.. just on and on and on. LOL I go on about shit so much that I don't really type emails to people, of this length, i'm so scared i'm boring the crap out of them.. so i'll just stick to this tlaking crap here.

But yeah... death.. rabbit... loss.

You can only make life as rewarding as you make it to be. I know some people would rather just think that they are right all their lives and never really slow down and try to adopt another person's point of view or even just slow down and think what would make me happy and what would I do. Instead, they do what they think they "have to" do and forget that fun is part of life. Big part of life.

I think I was always caught up on that. Ever since my uncle died, I started to chillax. I started to stop fearing my grandpa would die. I mean he would. That's inevitable. Everyone will die, that's the only certainty that one has. Even if I knew the time, date, hour, second, it still wouldn't make a difference. I would still be shocked regardless.. sad maybe.. i don't know.

I still think "is this the call?" but i've stopped allowing myself to get too worked up about it.

Ever since starting this family and relatioship counselling it's really given me a huge perspective over my own family and our dynamics as a system. It's given me a much broader horizon over why and how families are made. It's given me a greater perspective over the person that I am and what i do.

Life has been super easy for me. Emotionally, yeah it's been pretty tough. But i guess, like how we direct our lives, how much significance we give events also is something that we control. Are things really as bad as we give it "that" light? Or is it just something that doesn't accomodate to our expectations, but in the end, we know it will pass.

I'm trying not to give things too much worry.

I spend a great deal of time thinking. Thinking of travelling to the US and seeing friends. Travelling to Canada and seeing (hopefully) a friend or two. Playing music. OmG... how much time have I spent just listening to the music that I can hear internally. Thinking of lyrics, wanting to do covers and just wanting to write more songs and compose.

It's a drug. Music is my drug.

Fashion is my business. Which is something i haven't attended to. I think I really need a plan, and I need timelines and dates otherwise I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just floating around.

Counselling... Where does it fit? My day job? LOL My lifetime philosophical quest and research? I dunno.

- - - - -- - - -

We talked about partners. I've heard this all the freaking time before about the fact that we will always end up with a partner that is like our parent of the opposite sex.

I think that that is true.. the relationships that I've had that has failed are the ones that the guy is similar to my mum. Now those, have def failed. The one guy I dated that was like my dad, was actually pretty good.. and right now.. i think I need that sort of... accomodating person like my dad. Someone who I know is never gone. Someone who will do what is right for me, and support me - without saying too much about what I should or shouldn't do.

I'm quite in the air. I know that. I do really strange things that a lot of people probably wouldn't understand, why or how. lol

And then we started talking a little about sex therapy.. I just cracked up laughing when our educator explained how these psychologists would just stand by the bed with a clipboard and just watch people have sex. LOL. I wonder what they would be writing down? Maybe drawing sex positions? Maybe making notes like, "must try that later". lol

I just thought it was funny as... me and my immaturity! LOL

Finally... biological.

I had brekky this morning, which were two croissants... morning tea was a bag of kettle chips (gross for morning tea)... lunch was instant tom yum noodles (absolutely gross, too sour and just yuckkk!!) ... then I bought kfc chips for afternoon tea.. dinner was just rice and stuff..

Now i just feel sick really.. not full or anything.. just sick. Grotty day with food.

Tired as shit though.. I think I gotta have a shower earlier and just get to bed.. or read something.. reading stuff usually gets me really tired for some reason too.. must be the content.. just makes you wanna sleep.. lol

it's not boring just a lot of technical stuff...

I"m blabbering..

Black Lisianthus x

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