Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day 34

I cbf.

This game I thought I was playing with Death... Then I thought it was with God..

You know what. I don't care.

I know I'm on the right track, because the things that I feared most about becoming who I was becoming was the shift in the relationships that I was upkeeping.

And you know what.

Family, friends, Off-shore, On-shore ---> these relationships have actually resulted to be actually quite positive and I've just been able to prove to myself that I am able to be assertive and be accepted as a person.

Yeah, there are negative crap in the air... but in the most strangest way, negative crap brings in positive energy. Brings in closeness and brings in a chance to just be more aware of the things that we have.

I am also becoming more brave and WAY more stronger. Way more. By the end of the month, I'm going to be kicking some ass! Yes, ass-whooping kickboxing!! Woo! :D

I held a baby python today! Yup... I was scared shitless... When my cousin told her man to bring it.. I was like.. 'NOOOOOOOOO!!'... but after he took it out and I saw the tiny things face, I was like.. I sooo want to hold it!

And so I did!! It was really strange.. but warm! And cute little face!!! So CUTE!

I think everyone's initial reaction was, "ARGH MA GARDD!! I'm not going to hold that!!"

but after a while.. you kinda just wanna touch it! And hold it! And wanting it to slither against your skin.. I know.. It sounds so fucked! :D

I know there's sadness in the air.. but I know it's good to have it. For the sake of everyone to really re-think about who they are, who they've become and take responsibility for what the family means now.

It's really fucked when a sibling passes away, especially someone that's way younger than you.

I don't think I will ever know what it's like, but I know that in the long run, death is inevitable.

It's actually a good thing that all this bad commotion is happening now and it's bringing a lot of people together.

We were able to just sit back and look at old photos of us as kids. To see how energetic and strong our grandpa was, to see our grandmother ALIVE... To see each of us as kids and how we grew up and what we look like now... wow.. it was incredible..

I think that sometimes you just have to face your fears, and just live up to what you're meant to live up to..

OK.. I don't think I'll ever be ready to hold a freakin tarantula or a freaking bird-eating spider! (~_~) ...

what are my fears...

fear of being disappointed...

fear of being wrong...

fear of being unsuccessful...

fear of letting people down ...

fear of doing wrong by people ...

fear of abandonment ...

fear of dying ...

All quite arbitrary when you think about it... You can't always be right. You can't always be successful, unless you set yourself quite an amazingly high goal .... You can't control whether you've let someone down.. You can't always do the right thing for people, sometimes you need to just do right by yourself... You can be alone, but those who abandon you probably aren't the kinds of people who you need anyway.... there are always people who want to be with you, who want to be close to you.

Fear of dying. I don't actually have a fear of dying. I fear death.. Like death of others... but not of my own death.

I don't think it was God's wish for me to die young. But even in saying that, you don't ever really know anyway.

I ate today. I ate three meals. Three.. even thought little.. they were three meals.. I still woke up at like 11... but that's cos I actually woke up at 7am today.. and couldn't get back to sleep until like.. 8ish... So yeah.. i don't like disrupted sleep like that..

but it's so hard to sleep when it's kinda changing between hot and cold.. so gayy!!!

Anyway.. Gotta go back to my family genogram and then go to bed!


Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.