Sunday, February 28, 2010

Day 53

hrm... I woke up sick yesterday and today. Yesterday I felt like I had this fever... my whole body was just really hot, but cold at times.. today I woke up cold. I'm run down. Very run down.

I've been trying to get my mind around my assignment.. I mean.. it's not really progressing as far as I would hope it to, but it's getting somewhere... there's more shit in it than the last time I started, so that's better than nothing. I'm reading all these different articles and books and shit.. am i learning anything new... not really.. sucks how you can't just be assessed on attendance.......... sucky suck suck!

i can't wait for the second assignment though.. practical and a self-critique.. what I like.... but this one is reflective, about myself, my family and how it will affect me in the future... *roll eyes*

whenever I do assignments, i get into this mode. This "OMG-FRICKING-ANNOYED" mood. LOL

Am I sleeping well.. I am actually.. I'm shit tired by the end of the night because I would be doing something and in the morning, well.. in the last few days.. i've been forced to wake up earlier and the last two days i've been paying for it in the morning. Massive stomach pains. Sucks.

mental health. Has been pretty shonky lately, if i do say so myself. I can feel a huge level of anger within me jsut waiting to spew out. I'm unhappy with a lot of things in life. Ok.. maybe not A LOT.

It was my choice to take a new path to a new career, or day job.

It is also my choice to work on my own business and work on my studying at the same time.

I'm pretty much making NOTHING with my businesses and it sucks that no one is buying anything. Sucks. I do need to plan everything up properly, really get that business pitch together and sell it to a bank or something. lol

But, i am committed to so many things at the moment.. and as i promised myself last time or maybe i didn't say it here... that i will finish everything that i have committed myself to during MARCH - MAY 2010, and then start a new plan about what I want to get done.

That I will be kicking through the next few months to do.

Fashion shoots are fucking aweomse. (see the anger in swear words).

I'm so going to start kicking ass on Tuesday nights.. at least after kicking ass, i'll be able to go home, have a shower and be bed really early, to wake up for Trauma work on Wednesday.

Oh kay.. mental health.. It's not been good because I've been stressing over the whole concept of relationships, yet again. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. but that passivity is blinding me.

When things go wrong and you don't fix it, the whole cyclical mess occurs. I don't want things to be that way, but a relationship is always a two person show. If one blocks there eears or buries their head in the sand, no matter how hard the other person works to try to change things and make things better, nothing will happen.

I'm tired of meeting immature fuckers. Seriously, I am.

I'm not a joke, and I'm not about joking either. Maybe when I meet a potential candidate, my question to them should be, "I'm a serious person and I'm not here to fuck around and play games. What are you aspirations for where this will head to?"

Immature guys will always answer - "I don't know, i jsut want to see where this goes".

.......... ok... i just wrote out a whole bit about answers and mature guys and I just deleted it all because of how contradictory I sounded. LOL

I"m just so blinded and scarred from my past experiences... I mean. Experience. With the one very fucked up loser that just screwed my perception of what a relationship is, and now I have this unrealistic vision of what it is. To the point where I just hide from the world, hide from guys and just don't want to deal with it.

Life is like that isn't it.. When things go wrong, you just keep doing it until you break. Until everything is horribly wrong and you can't fix anything.

I want so badly to just say to this person, "I'm not happy with the way things are right now. I want to fix it some how, but I need more from you."

But i fear that his answer will be, "oh i just thought of you as a friend." or "If this is making you unhappy, then i don't want this anymore".

See how negative both answers are. I just can't have a positive thought a positive answer.

But the most fucked up thing is that I can't control what the outcome will be.

that is.. unless I reframe the question so that the answer IS positive.

..... hrm ..... "I need more from you because this will make me feel secure and safe."

"I would like more from you because this will make me feel more secure and happy".

lol.. see what a difference this will make.

but a immature loser will be like, "Omg.. this is a demand... this is like you're asking too much... omg.. i'm busy you know..." and blah blah blah blah blahhhhhh..

This is where I think.. do i take a risk and say something, or do I not say something and just let it go.

I guess the decision is more clear if this WAS a real relationship. But as the circumstances are the way it is, there's nothing I can do.

Just like in the past.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do anything. Or should I? lol.. gosh i hate this.

No, i'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to watch it die. Like I said earlier. It takes two to tango.

I'm the type of girl that gives 100% and expects 0 in return. But when I've given enough, and don't feel like I'm getting anything, I kind of just go away.

The worst kind of getting away, is going away without saying anything. Like being there but not being there. That's how a lot of things just die without sound.

I think it's all too simple, but guys just don't get it. They just think girls are complicated and crazy.

All a girl ever wants is just to hear someone tell them how much they are being loved, how much they will be cared for, that this person will never leave their side.

No matter how fucked up a girl gets, how angry she gets, how crazy she gets, that's all she wants to hear.

I'm so tired of meeting guys who think of me as second prize. I'm an amazing person. I do amazing things and I put my heart out to give and care and love other people.

i do not deserve to be second prize.

And I'm looking for someone who not only wants to catch me, but I am first prize, that I am the best thing that they ever set their eyes on.

I deserve that.

Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.