Saturday, January 30, 2010

Day 23

Hrm... I know you must be thinking.. Woahh.. what a big jump.. But today really is day 23... and I just lost count and started to number each post instead of actually thinking about what the day is.

A thought came into my mind yesterday... about why that book stood out... that book "Act With Love" by M.D. Harris Russ, that I was talking about the other day... The blurb said,

"There's no such thing as a perfect love. Love comes and goes like the weather."

And I remember thinking.... wow..  O_O

Kinna throws out my idea of the perfect soul mate, "the one" and all that shananigan.

Friday was one of those days where I just felt really straight to the point. Didn't want to tolerate any shananigans. LOL... Ok.. I didn't want to tolerate - irrationality, insensitivity, illogic, incomprehendable actions.

I really was sick and tired of listening to things that are just people's negative ways of thinking and trying to find meaning of a certain situation, when all they do to look for the answer is look at the problem.

Just imagine your problem as being a bucket of mucky black water. To solve that problem, you would need to somehow make the water clear again.

The first thing most people do is, sit and stare. Stare at the water. Think about what is that black stuff. How did that black stuff get there in the first place.. Who made that black stuff get there. What can I use to get the black stuff out.

Some people end up getting paralysed about here. There's too many questions to think about.

Then some other people start coming along offering their two cents. "Maybe you should try this..." "Oh... I think it's because of this... " "You know what... Did you try this before?"

and etcetera etcetera ...

People are so easily fooled. So ages goes past and you are still sitting there in front of a bucket of water.

And this is exactly what happens to people. People like to complicate things. People like to find meaning in something that probably doesn't have meaning, and it probably doesn't matter anymore.

Just tip out the water, and fill it up with new water.

And you know what's even more fucked. People who try to argue with you when you're trying to tell them something.


Zero tolerance with people like that. So yes last night I was telling my friend off. Not in a harsh way, but more as a matter of fact, frank, straight to the point blended with some positive directions. I am very very decisive - I know what I want, and I know what I'm saying. Except, obviously when I'm in a really dark place..

but yes... she didn't argue with me. She just smiled and could not look me in the eye, because she knew I was right. Or just couldn't take it in that I was right. Sometimes it worse for a friend to tell them the "nice" things, than it is to just say what you know they don't want to hear.

I always say things that people don't want to hear. The truth is hard to chew, but it needs to be heard.

People are really negative. They always swing to the bad side of the fence. I asked everyone to give me their email address, only. I haven't said anything else. And this one person is like, "Oh I'm leaving in two weeks, that could be a problem".

My answer was, "How is that a problem?"

This girl yesterday wrote about how her life is shit and how much she hated it. Oh you have no idea how many times I've heard that. "I hate my life." "Life is boring".

Talk about it. Find someone to talk about it. Visualise it. What does a happy life look like? What does a perfect partner look like? What does a loving family look like?

When I told one of my girlfriends, who seemed to disappear into her paranormal life this week about the kinds of events I had this week, she looked really sad. Probably felt guilty for thinking that I didn't care about her all week.

Well, truth is, I didn't.

I didn't care about anyone this week. If anything, I felt like picking up fights, but never did.

I don't care either. Truth is that people in this world don't care about people. Only a few people with love go out and truly love others. Most just sit back and think of the scheming acts that others were/are "planning" against them and wallow in the angst and pain of

"Why..? Why do they hurt me?? Why doesn't anyone love me??"

You only get what you give.

I give a lot. In return, I receive love, but some things I'm not getting. I wonder why.

I realised yesterday how I live my life. How I balance out my freedom and sponteneity with my structured and scheduled lifestyle. I need structure. I need to know - Friday 9.30AM - 12.30Noon I have my Methods 2 class; I need to know that Thursdays I have a student placement; I need to know that Friday night is friend's night.

When I have a partner, I will also need to pen in such and such time on such and such day is our time.

I don't do it because I'm anal. (and fuck you for saying that!) I do it because I structurise and make sure that everyweek the important things are adjusted and not changed. Because that gives me the freedom and security to know I can float around and do all that I need to do during the week, pencil in meetings, go shopping, drive to the beach, play music, make clothes... perhaps do a bit of work...

and then I know that I can do all that, but still have time to see my friends, to go to school, to see a partner (wherever he is) and to have time to just be where I need to be.

I don't like being tied down. I don't like being locked down. I don't like having to wake up everyday and have to do something or be somewhere just because someone says so, or I feel like I HAVE to.

I want to live each day because I WANT to. How I WANT to.

I'm talking to damn much. I'm glad I scheduled in my session for Monday.

My stupid friend kept asking me questions about something I DID not want to talk about at all.

Truth is THAT person no longers gives a crap. Probably never gave a crap to begin with.

So be it.

Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.