Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day Fourteen

Skipped a day yesterday.

Slept in wuite a bit. Thought to try to numb the pain by doing a tarot reading. Had really good results. But that could also be my own talent ... "7 cups" ... the card to represent indulgence, too much opportunity, laziness and disillusionment.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day focused on myself. Had a small meal to begin the day. Exfoliated, expilated, toned, moisterised... leaving me with a beautiful glow on my face.. a clean, pure, white glow. I didn't need foundation at all.

That night I felt like spanish food - Del Los Santos on Brunwick Street, Fitzroy. Fabulous. Not as good as Movida Next Door on Flinders Street. But nonetheless, croquette, chorizo mo, lamb ribs, paella and sangria was what I really needed. Lots of sangria.

During dinner, I imposed a thought, to cover the silence of the non-chatter we had moved into. I said that a past employer was against me, or wasn't supportive of the kinds of business ventures that I have endeavoured in and wouldn't join my fanpages on facebook.

A friend, a guy obviously, said to me, that not everything that other people do are done against you.

That did stick into my head.

I either way too sensitive about the things that happen around me, or it's my own projection of things onto others.

There were two things I learnt last night.

The first was described above - about not being to sensitive to what others say. I realised that everyone has their own problems, and it's never their imperative to care about your feelings and about your situation. In fact, it is quite a gift that someone does care.

I do question my level of care. Why do I care about people.. because I CARE? or because I like to feel the importance of "Oh I cared for someone?"

I do realised that not many people come up to you with nice words of support or encouragement. What a fucked up world we live in.

I realised that more often than not, our facebook statuses are about ourselves, never really about another, or targetted to another. That we as a whole human race are very self-centred and self-indulgent.

That we may take out our hearts and treat others with the amount of patience and love that we hope to one day receive, but more often than not, our own great actions can sometimes not be taken in.

The second thing I learnt was fear. I re-read over a letter i wrote quite recently and I did not realise just how powerful the letter was. I wrote it when I was in a really dark place and my heart was aching, tears streaming down my face... I only vaguely remember what I wrote..

Until I read over it again. Even I felt a streaming gush of sadness and disbelief of just how powerful my words were. How much of an impact it created. How deep it cut me.

My dreams in the last few nights have been really strange. This morning's dream was what I've been thinking about lately, even though some of the detail was not what I wanted.

But fear. Yes, fear. I watched "How I Met Your Mother" Season 5, episode 10, "The Window". The window of opportunity doesn't always open. And my window, I'm not really sure I opened it. 

In that episode, Ted's students asked him, "She may be ready, but ARE YOU ready?"
He answered, "I don't know. I"m just really scared."
Another student said, "Doesn't being scared mean that you're on to something important?"

What is the emotion you get when you are walking on a tightrope.

I was so scared. So scared to make a loss. So scared to lose. because it meant so much to me to be able to open that window, open that opportunity for someone - even though, it wasn't something I did intentionally, but it sort of just happened. I guess like the fluidity of which life is. Fluid.

I knew it was something important to me. So important that I chose to stifle the flame because that way I don't need to WAIT for the day that the flame will become dormant.

Very negative a thought. I know. Very negative.

This is something I know I need to work on. But do we really think that things that clearly seem like it's not going to work, is going to work? That happy endings do exist? That the perfect fairy tale happens to all of us?

Well I do. And I know that everything happens perfectly each day and it is all in succession of what is going to happen ahead of time. I feel for Ted in HIMYM. I really do. Waiting for that day when we will meet "The One".

When will that day come?

Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.