Sunday, January 31, 2010

Day 24

Day 24

I find that the hardest parts of the day is when I'm on my bed. Mornings and nights are the worst. That's when all these thoughts come into my head.. and when I'm ever really wanting to sleep (during the day time) or when I refuse to sleep (during night).. I know it's completely back to front.

I spend a great deal of time on my phone playing solitaire at night time. Like addicted to it. I play really rapid. Each game lasts around 120seconds or less. And I do win quite often. Well, how could I lose if I keep playing. I'll be like solitaire champ soon.

In the morning I don't want to get out of bed. Each day is difficult. I try to do something. Like do my dress. I stay away from the laptop as much as possible because I know that once I sit down, I'm stuck down.

I paid off my visa bill today. May as well right. I went on YouTube and it's making my life really difficult. I deleted my other account - from a very impulsive move - and didn't realise it would be this difficult. I cannot stay logged on because all my other accounts are linked to the main one. So now, I'm trying to reopen the old account. I mean how GAY am I? and it keeps sending me the same email saying that the associated email is not the one I sent them. I'm so confused. I don't even know which is which now.

How screwed up is life nowadays when if you're not happy with the "way you are" you simply change a username, change a facade. Maybe that's why a lot of people get really upset and confused when their facade is being challenged.

Identity crisis.

I'm still the same person, I just refuse to be with people. I felt sulky yesterday and felt like a loser because it was a Saturday night and I was at home for no reason at all.

Sulking at the fact that everyone is probably out having fun and I'm alone at home watching tv with my ass glued to the coach --> where I have been for like the last few days.

But the fact is, I had two choices to go out. Catch up with some people that I hardly ever talk to, or go to a friend's house and watch a movie. I said no to both. I even lied about one of them and said, "Oh I never got the email."

Bull shit.

I got the damn email chain alright.

I just didn't want to have to put on a "face". I didn't want to make an effort to be human. What's wrong with me. -_-"

It's safe to be at home. It's safe to not have to face anyone. Just hide behind a screen. Pretend to write happy things. Pretend to post up happy things. Numb my brain and my heart with mind numbing-heart numbing crap like reading oatmeal from and watching cats do silly things....

When will this stop... Soon I hope. I don't like this one bit at all. I feel paralysed. I feel like such a slob. Can feel the my body just thinking... "wow.. not active at all."

My summer school subjects sounds really cool. Looking forward to that.

Photography project - That looks interesting too, but yeah, pressure's on me to finish the damn garments and actually get people moving. That is the most difficult thing in the world, get people moving. Drive people forward. I just wanted a simply thing. But I'm not sure whether it's going to be simple. It seems difficult as it is already. I want to give up but part of me is like really enjoying making this dress.

I'm starting on the next one tomorrow. I really have to get a move on with it. The red one is hard. But I'll talk more about it in the right place.

Have I been eating lately.

Not well. I dont eat until 1PM each day. Cos I don't get out of bed til at least noon. Dinner is around 7-ish but I get really hungry by 11pm and then I have something small which is really bad, because then I feel full and can't sleep. So I use that as an excuse to stay up and play solitaire.

I don't even want to talk to people. I find I use up way too much effort just trying to get people to do as I say. I hide most of the week, and only can find enough energy or effort to do something on Friday night.

I must say. Last night I was really scared. Just waiting for the same message. I hate this. It's so stupid. I hate feeling so powerless.

I watched a talk show today. They had an interview with Gary Cho. Really cool guy. Not so much inspirational, but cool. He openly lets everyone know that he has depression and that he tried to commit suicide in the past and he was in a lot of messed up situations. I love that. I love that depression is not a taboo. It shouldn't be because it is the number ONE cause of death.

Yeah. Depression. Number ONE disease affecting males and females.

Our world is just to negative and morbid. I hate to feel apart of that world right now, but there's so much that happens and so much that everyone aspires to.

I read some stuff yesterday. I went to this website - I've been there before, a few times and each time I have different feelings. First time I was there I just thought, "Wow, what a cool website". The next few times were, "hrm... I wonder who that person is.." .... then felt anxious going there ... and finally yesterday I went there again and read over some of the comments that people left.

Lots of positive affirmations and encouragement. The guy must feel so lucky to have such supportive friends and family. It was only yesterday that I realised there was a second page ... I know slow.. I read this bit that I thought, wow.. Someone said something about the person not having a bed but having progressed to what he is today. I just "Wow". Why does this guy not talk about it? Why does he always just bunch it up and say, "Bad past, but it's made me who I am today."

Maybe he's not over it? Perhaps that's why he needs positive affirmations and tangible recognition for what he is capable of. That is kind of sad in a way. It really does contradict "I do it because I love it, not because I want to impress others." That's what everyone wants to think, but I'll say, why not just be honest with what you want.

Do I want people to recognise me for what I've achieved? To a certain degree yes, but more importantly the one person that I want to say to me, "Darling, you're a really hard working person, with lots of talent. You've done so much and you have the biggest heart. You deserve all that you desire" - is myself.

I want to be able to listen to my words. To listen to that voice from within that says, "Dude, you're awesome. I can't believe just how generous you are".

I want to believe those words. But it's hard.

This is depression. You fight with yourself - each and every day.

Yesterday night, I was feeling bored so I re-read over the conversation I had with this one bad egg that has been fucking my life over since 2007. So the conversation was Bad Relationship 2 - 2008. Bad Relationship happened in 2007 and ended like in 2007 like around my birthday. Beautiful ending getting all the presents I ever got this person returned to me in a black bag placed under the exhaust pipe of my dad's car.

Anyway.. the conversation... I read over it last night and just laughed. I thought, WOW, that guy was seriously a TOTAL DOUCHE! LOL.. and I was a TOTAL DOUCHE! lol ... I can't believe what the hell was over me. Why was I so "totally into" this douche?

What was I thinking? He was insensitive, abusive, he called me so many different names like "ass", "gay", "fag" and what not (I'm not gay btw) ... Maybe he was trying to make it sound like, "hey we're buddies" or something ... I don't know strange. The conversations went around literally nothing.

And then there will be days when he's like angry at me for no reason - oh sorry, for a reason that "annoyed me everyday this weekend. I don't care anymore, I don't want to think about it. I don't care what you say. I don't want to think about it anymore."

Man.. so fucked up.

I don't know WHY and HOW I put up with that crap. Seriously. And you could read the amount of effort I placed to try to put out the fight. Trying to use my conflict management skills. LOL

I just thought it was HILARIOUS now, what happened then. I remember there was this one fight that caused me to just get away from him. That and I read the book "He's just not that into you" - and that's when it REALLY kicked in. He really isn't into me. And I left. LOL

After a while he sent me a message on msn - "Are you in some hating period with me?"

When I think of it now.. I think.. was I the deluded one, or was this guy in need of some serious help?

I felt really bad and sorry for him. Spent the entire of my first year classes as Counselling School, just thinking of the situation between us, his situation and his problems and what it all could mean. What a waste of time seriously. I ended up sending him an email in 2009 around mid year, just to check up on him, see what he was doing and whether he was actively doing something to fix his problems.

I literally said to him, "I just wanted to know how you're doing, and how your dealing with everything, where you are."

He answered. "Oh thanks for the email. Do you wanna catch up?"

lol... Very half-arsed answered, but never made the effort to catch up. People I don't want to see, I rarely see. LOL And I make great excuses for why I "can't" make it or do the whole, "yeah, sure, just let me know."

Anyway. The last time I saw this guy was this year 2010, after my friend's wedding. He for some reason was "at the wedding, but I wasn't at the wedding." And he saw me wearing a dress and heels and commented on "how pretty you look with heels and a dress"... seee!! He was always saying all this crap about me being a dude, and lesbian, and a charmer for learning how to play the guitar. Like what??

This is a classic example of people who DON"T make an effort to KNOW you. lol.

And because of this guy, I had a hard time understanding what relationships were, how they formed, what constitutes as a relationship and so on. lol

I laugh now, but I was like so messed up then. That day I saw him after like so many years, I was soooo drunk, I said a lot of things that I wouldn't say before.

Things about his job, about him being a vampire, becoming an american, being somewhere in this world, gambling .... and some other stuff that I have no recollection of. lol

Vampire.. You know that dickhead from Twilight, Edward Cullen. This dickhead was the same. EXACTLY the same. Same hairstyle, same skin colour, same disappearing and reappearing.. Oh gosh, I hope he wasn't like stalking me and watching me sleep at night. The only thing that this guy was different about Edward was that Edward really did care. He sped over to save her.

This guy? I think he wouldn't even know if I'd be dead unless he heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend.

Talk about irresponsible. He thought that the most responsible thing to do was to not be my boyfriend because I would be safe. LOL.. See... If that Meyers chick didn't write her Twilight series, I could've totally written mine and made shitloads.

Anyway.. I've learnt my lesson from that guy. I can't believe it took me until now to finally see what a douche-y relationship we had and how stupid I was... am?

I think I'm just a totaly romantic. Always thinking the best of every situation. I just don't see why I need to think otherwise. Isn't it better to think of good things? Right? To think well of everyone?

I don't want to think badly of anyone, until THEY prove themselves to be bad eggs.

I like writing. It helps me think. No wonder why I have so many blogs. So many spaces in this interweb that records my thoughts and feelings.

I"m really weird. I think I am really weird. (And that fucker from the past said to me countless times "You're messed", "You're really weird you know that?" ... and I think it was his anger towards me being the first person to ever just say up front to his face, "You're fucked"... that freakin psycho pussy).

Anyway.. yes I'm weird.

I'm a bottle, and when I'm too filled with negative stuff, and it starts to overflow, I shut down. I like literally shut down and get rid of things, block things, delete things, run away.

But once I start to unload a lot of this negativity, I start to unblock things, try to re-open things, and start to think about walking back. Even though YouTube is making it virtually impossible to get my account back. Sad. lol. Even if I did get it back everything will be deleted. Every bit of information.

YouTube is the sad reality. That when you walk away and delete something, a lot of things from the past becomes deleted, gone. And no matter how hard you try, you may never get it back.

It was my choice to do what I did. I do regret it in so many ways. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do anymore. T_T


Might go back and try to find my YouTube. Oh YouTube, please let me have you backk!!

Black Lisianthus x

ps. I totally saw the bouquet I want to have for when I get married !! White lisianthus a few white roses but lots of green leaves and things... sooo antique like... beautiful. :)

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The Black Lisianthus.