Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day Fifteen

When you start to give up on life, life gives up on you. 

Once again, I have lost count.

I paid the price today for what I've done to myself in the last few days.

Try to skip breakfast, sleep in til midday, don't sleep til the wee hours in the night and eat huge meals after 7.30PM, oh and drink red wine... After a week, especially if you're prone to indigestion, this is when it hits you bad.

This morning was terrible.

My anxiety levels have been terribly bad this week due to the unfortunate happenings in regards to the well being of my grandfather. It's like playing this terribly unfair game with Death, where he's teasing you - giving you hope one day, and then making you scared the next.

Sunday, I got the call to be "ready" for that night could be the night he was going to leave. His heart rate was very very low and he'd been asleep for most of the day. As much as I was complaining and wailing about wanting him to die, when I received that news, I felt my heart racing, my stomach tying itself up into a knot. I couldn't eat that night.

My mum came home later on that night.. and I'm like.. "Why are you home?" and she said that he was stable.

I can distinctively see Death's smile now.. satisfied that he made my heart churn and my mind have negative images of death and funerals gushing in.

Monday, I just slept in. I've been terribly tired of late. I'm not even sure why. I had a long chat with a girlfriend on the phone the night before. And yes, I have decided to seek professional help. You can judge me, call me crazy, but at least I have the self-awareness to WANT to do something about this strange behaviour and neurotic anxiety that impedes on almost everything I want to do, would like to do, and need to do.

That night, I just enjoyed a night in with my friends. BBQ, wine, beer, tennis, ice cream, pop corn, guitar hero world tour, band hero ... you get the gist. It was great. Absolutely great. Henri Leconte really made the night lift to a more happy place! GG Almagro vs Tsonga.

And all the songs on the new games.. WOW! I'm the drummer and lead singer of the group!

(Oh fuckk... munching on double strength mylanta tablets ... OMG...  > <" )

Anyway.. such good songs!! Maybe I'll do acoustic covers of them one day! Really embracing the emotional side right now.

I'm just really tired. Tired of being happy and positive. And this indigestion stuff that I have is not like.. "over done it?" .... it's really painful stuff.

I guess this is God's (and my body's) knocking on my door to really really take care of myself. I have to sleep earlier and eat regularly and healthily.. the last time it was REALLY bad, was like.. 8 years ago. That was bad.. the stupid disease like paralysed me for like literally the whole year. It hurt so bad and I didn't even know what it was.. it just made me feel like I couldn't breathe, and my stomach just scrunched up into a ball.

Every night it would rumble and gurggle. Not because it was hungry, but because evertything was digesting.

It feel like.. imagine eating a LOT of food, and you're so full, but you're stomach was not digesting anything, and it was soo full that it started to expand and stretch your stomach further than it can go.

Yes, it doesn't get this bad obviously if you tackle it before it gets worse. So I know when to take my Zantac meds. However, when you're in a state where your emotional pain gets to the point where pain just feels numb, having physical pain, actually feels good.

But at the same time in saying that, it is much harder to force yourself to stay unhappy, than it is to just smile and laugh when you come across funny things.

It is much easier for me to just smile when I see lovely things, to feel happy to see love between others, than it is for me to feel upset because I don't see those things on me.

I don't know what my grandpa is waiting for. He looks tired. He was wailing and moaning today.. and his face looked distressed. I wasn't sure whether he was just unhappy because he wanted to go home or whether he was really in pain.

He is still trying to live, but his body is not. All his bodily functions have failed on him to the point where the doctor said that there was no point in eating anymore - his body wasn't taking in any of the nutrients and vitamins from the food he was eating.

Yet he's not giving up.

So why should I give up on myself.

Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.