Saturday, January 30, 2010

Day 23 v2

I hate how when I write something I always make it sound like I've resolved everything, like I'm telling a story with a moral to help other people.

Truth is, I still haven't been able to get over a lot of things. Current things. My ears still ring and I still get anxious when I go on youtube.

I think there are people who were born the way they are and they just are they way they are. I guess, I never saw it in that way, because maybe I saw things through my own eyes and just didn't think people could be like that.

I don't think I ended up doing anything. I don't think I made much of a difference.

I just hate myself for being so stupid. For being so dumb and naive.

I was vulnerable. I still am.

They say that to show vulnerability is the most beautiful thing. But it seems that whenever I show a little bit of vulnerability, I tend to regret it later.

Or maybe I just haven't met the right person to be vulnerable with.

I want to cry. But I just can't.

It's 8PM. My grandpa supposedly hasn't been eating much this week and has been really tired. I don't think it's going to be any longer.

I wish I could be in the arms of someone really strong right now. Someone who can just be here to make it not so daunting.

Truth is, I'm really scared right now. I'm really scared of the unknown. Really angry at those who don't have to feel what I feel right now. Angry at my friends for not understanding and only seeing what I'm representing on the outside. Angry at someone who said that I was special to him for not saying or doing anything, when he probably knows how sad and scared I am right now. Angry at myself for allowing myself to trust someone who doesn't give a shit.

I know there's a meaning. I know there's a profound meaning, a profound reason. But this waiting is agony. I know I can go and do something to keep my mind off, but no matter WHAT I do, my mind goes back to the same spot. And the only thing I feel I can do is just write. Write to thin air.

I was "happy" yesterday. No I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. But I still smiled and laughed at things I thought was funny. I still look at things in a positive way, but this angst I feel is just like.. - cut it out of me. Make it go away. I don't want to feel this way.

Black Lisianthus x

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The Black Lisianthus.