Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 64


Anxious, embarassed, laughing, confused, more confusion, tired, productive, significant, scared, tired, embarassed, shock, disbelief, sadness, reflective, reminiscent, happiness, sadness, hope, reminiscent. 

Strange set of feelings today. 20 feeling words - 5 positive, 5 kind of unsure... 50/50 kind of ok

I started the extremely embarassed. I was really embarassed for what I did. Not only is the cat out of the bag, but a lot of things that had come out had come out.

I feel embarassed yes for making mysel into a fool. I do that all the time, so yeah, i have no shame.

I went to work... feel a little uncertain for what would happen. They didn't say anything.. and yes they didn't get my email either. Oh well.. what can you do.

I felt active, I felt good to be given an opportunity to get straight into the work rather than to do pointless crap. Only day 2 and I'm doing important things already.

Then on the way home...... long drive. It seriously is a long drive.. but it's shorter than going public.. public would take forever.

Got home from work.. still felt embarassed and stupid for what I did, was going to tell my girls about it, then I get an email.

Rather shocking and sad. Something that I have been actively volunteering in for a long time is closed. Not only closed but gone. Gone for good. Liquidated. Such a strong word.

It's so sad. i remember the first time I was there. I remember all the long nights. All those memories of all my friends that stayed up and talked to me through that time.

All the training I did. All the new skills and tools that I developed and learnt. All that happiness and support from everyone.

And now it's all gone. All gone. So that no one can help anyone else. Extremely excruciatingly sad.

My girlfriend came over earlier, to give me an intervention. Though, I don't have much to intervene. I know what an idiot I am. I know that. But I guess in some ways, those were things I held so tightly and each day it was just eating me. I needed to say what I needed to say. I needed to specifically tell that person all the things I needed to say. Now it's all out, and now it's gone.

I feel emptied out. Like everything is now gone from me. gone.

I'm too embarassed to even think about the person. Too embarassed to even talk to that person, or anything. I just don't want to have anything to do with this person. Which is a good thing for the situation. Because now I can fully just move on. I don't have anything to hold me back and I certainly don't want to communicate with this person.

I just feel blah, and very embarassed.

Though that aside, i know that there are so many things I want to do before 2012.

I made a pact with a friend that we would go to a place together. We would do it together. It would be easier that way. It's not so scary for me, if she was with me.

Gosh.. that sounded rather depressing and suicidal. lol..

No, we want to go to New York to try our luck. She in acting, me in fashion.

But my steps to take before I take the plunge is get my stuff out there where I live. Do and finish everything that I'm commited to, and just get it out of the way, then total focus.

I watched the whole biography of Tony Robbins yesterday... I dunno. i was feeling depressed and upset by everything that I was thinking about. It was Tony Robbin's story that gave me strength to just do it. Go out there and just do it. Don't hold anything back. just bang bam pow.

And I determined. I want to do it.

I'm sick of waiting. Waiting for what?

I accidentally went to this place where I would not go anymore. Accidentally.. Thank God nothing was there.

There are things I can avoid. And I'm glad it's done in places that I can avoid. I will avoid them, for a long while until I'm good.

This is my only bag of barley and my only ox left. I have nothing left. So i'm going to have to go out there and do it.

I have to save the world in another way.... i don't have that volunteering outlet anymore.. well.. I have another volunteering place that I haven't started yet, and yeah i will start that really soon.

Kickboxing... i might have to postpone?

Or i could give it a session and see how it goes. Got nothing to lose. Might fall in love with it.

Just so sleepy i can't sleep.

Black Lisianthus x 

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The Black Lisianthus.