Day 32

Oh seriously.. watever about the days... i can't keep count!

I feel a bit of "I don't know why I"m trying" feeling today. Seriously.

Am I doing the wrong thing. Or am I just in the wrong moment, or the wrong time.

Am I think way too much, or do I just really know. I think I do. i think i don't. I don't want to focus too much, but I know that I'm just hurting myself even more each day. Don't know whether I want to keep trying, or I just want to kick it off.

I guess it's a slow process? A painfully slow and hurtful process?

Maybe so, maybe not.

I want more than anything to just travel at the moment. Be in a place to just have my own space, not to have to worry about contraints and limitations and boundaries.

Here I am thinking that I'm given all this freedom to do what it takes, and then someone says that I need to be more mindful of doing a project that I'm not given any freedom or responsibility into doing. So basically, what am I doing?

Am I only just a person that someone else uses to find people for her? Or am I actually a person that has a reason or purpose in this whole amalgamation?

I feel like I'm just a pawn piece. A piece that doens't really need to be there. And I'm more than capable to establish things on my own.

Just give me a vision. Please. A real vision.

Stop tantalising me with all these things and I'm just unaware of where these things are even going. Some times I just think, does she even need someone, or was it just something she wanted to do at the spur of the moment, and now she doesn't need someone. Or am I just really incompetant.

Am I just someone that no one really wants to care about or care for. Like I can be shoved up into the corner when people don't need me around?

Am I respected at all?

I know I deserve to be respected. I know I deserve to have what I want, but why does everything still feel so stagnant and so rudimentary. Everything is still in the early stages, and it's been so long. Soo long. And I want more progress than just early staged stuff.

Progress.

I saw my friend's nephew today.. Was cute as anything. I held him in my arms and just felt like... I want to be happy. I want to have a relationship with someone. I want to have child (I do... but I know I kinna am not ready to have a child with anyone atm... )

I'm so sick of being second best. Of being second in line, IF i'm even in the second position.

I'm sick of being invisible.

Maybe I have to be more aggressive.

Maybe I have to be more forward and show more initiative. Like this one guy said to me when he was interviewing me ... maybe I have to be a little bit more assertive and not just wait around..

Maybe he is right.

Sometimes it just feels so weird to ask. Sometimes.. like how we grew up in school.. we just get given things to do.

And now in the real world, sometimes you don't know whether you're doing too much, too little or not doing the right thing at all.

It's so hard to find a way to understand everyone.

That's why I like to do my own thing. That way, I tell myself what to do. I tell others what to do. I do what I tell myself to do.

sigh.

Day 31

I really am lost with all these days... counting which day is which and what is what.

The past few days have been really fucked.

Fucked in terms of my sleeping habits. I don't know what's happening. I sleep extremely late at night.. more like in the morning... I sleep at 5am each night.. And it's not like I'm doing anything besides trying to sleep. My mind is just playing and playing the same things over and over.. sing this song.. sing that song.. play this song.. play that song.. record this..

So I had to satisfy it.

I recorded myself singing the songs that I've been wanting to sing and play.. Chucked it on YouTube, and now I'm one of the funnies on the internet that makes music for the world to see.

I didn't advertise it though. I think that slightly a bit gay. I just put it up there really for my own amusement.

I will start to songwrite and get some of my originals uploaded soon though.. Music seems to be the only thing that's not stressful for me.

I've come up with some really amazing ideas, but the one thing that peeves me at the moment is this photography project. I just wanted it to be simple.. and now it seems like it's not. People think too much when they're at home alone.. and they start to talk to other people..

advice and suggestions and everyone fingers start to contaminate the idea, and then the whole process gets mucked up and realllllly hard to manage.

I now know what it feels like to be a manager. You seriously have to manage everything.

I pretty much am the Project Manager for this project. So I'm pushing everyone each day, trying to stay as positive as possible, all the while I'm trying to organise other things..

So yeah... Music is the only thing that I don't have a deadline or a purpose for. I just do it, purely to satisfy myself and because it's fun!

I really need to start to adjust my sleeping habits and times... and really stop playing solitaire.. at least I played a few games today while at the dinner.. hopefully that ok..

I am seriously really tired right now.. i'm not even sure why.

I was speaking to a friend yesterday about anti-D's and the way she made it sound like...

I asked her what it felt like to take anti-D's and she said, "Really relaxed. Really calm. You dn't think of anything, and you just go to sleep."

I was just like.. "OMG!! I WANT SOME!!!"

It sounds so sad to say, but I want to feel really relaxed and really calm and don't have to think. I've been trying ever so hard in the last few days to just stay positive. Stay positive. Stay focused. Believe.

See I believe that I can achieve anything with my business. Anything! and I would do ANYTHING to get it to happen.

What I need to believe is, I need to believe that I"m a great person and I deserve the love, affection and passion that I truly desire. I deserve it. I need to believe that. I need to believe that.

But it's still something I'm working on. Really hard as well.

Mate.. i'm so tired.. might shoot an email and then go to bed.

Black Lisianthus x

Day 28

Seriously.. like what is the date today? Feb 4th going on Feb 5th...

It's day 28, that means my experiement has only been going on for like almost a month, and seriously, why does it feel like TOO much has happened in just less than 28 days?

I seriously think that there's been too many crisis events and turning points and new adventures, thoughts, achievements, risks, challenges and low moments in the last 28 days. It's crazy. Too crazy...

Some things happened, seriously like only a few days ago, yet it feels like it happened ages ago. Well at least at the start of Feb, everything is slowing down. That agitation and that strange warp of feeling is over. I'm glad it's over. Maybe it's was the holidays and during the holidays you go crazy? lol..

Really good readings I've been reading today.. Really profound and most of them have given me the answers that I wanted to look for.

I think that if you have the time to sit back and really think about a question that you really want to ask, eventually the universe will give you the answers. I can say that I've been practising this from last year til now and my experience at my Counselling College has been the best experience that I've ever had a chance to do.

It just keeps getting more and more relevant to my life, each day, as I get into it more and more. Every moment in my life seems to be covered in the class. The people I meet have been the best, and it's given me an energy to meet more people, from all over the place that just seem to fall in on my life at the right moments.

I read this one article by John Gray (The Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus guy). It made me cry. It gave me the question that I was searching for because Mr. Tony Robbins asked us in yesterday's video for Valentine's week, "What is the story that you give yourself?"

I just bursted out crying. The weird thing is, I've read the book before. I read it like years ago.. I thought it was really crap back then.. Thinking it was out dated (written in 1988), like 20 years ago, how relevant could it be?

But the thing is, the way people behave has not really changed much since. Women still need to feel cherished, and men still need to feel needed.

Profound.

What really took my breath away was the one thing that Gray wrote, "Women need to learn how to ask for what they want" because "men always want to give love to his woman". Ok, obviously not written in those words.. lol.. I think he write far more articulately than I.

But it's small things that we learn each day, because our mind is it it. I've been reading these things for class.. It does seem like something I want to get into in the long run. Perhaps when I've established my own Relationship and Family with someone else.

One question that has got me pondering lately is

"How do two people come together and want to start a family?"

What is that feeling, or thoughts that come into mind.

Think about it.. Two people came from different families. Grew up in different family units, different family systems and family rules. How do these two people who were once strangers, end up together and feel the need to want to be with each other for life?

This is an important question to ask, because what motivates you to want to be with THIS particular person and not THAT one.

Think about the divorce rates. So did they really think about whether they wanted to be with this person in the beginning... was it the right feeling? Did they judge wrongly?

Marriage, as sadly as it occurs, sometimes is done because of responsibility - she's pregnant.

Though, how many people get divorced eventually anyway, even in the presence of having children.

So why is marriage a responsibility? Because a child cannot be born outside of a marriage? But their families can be broken after they've grown up a little.

It makes me think. Why get together in the first place? What motivates you to get married in the first place?

I think that suffices a strong core for my thesis for my research project later on.

A Committed relationship.

Working on a relationship.

Healing a relationship.

Or is it the very fact that people just give up too easily today?

It is much more easier to just write the relationship as not-working, throw it out and try to find another right?

I guess.. the only analogy I could think of, is the very essence that if we do not learn how to ride a bike properly, we can't just throw out this bike and buy another one and then hope that we can ride better.

I think sometimes we fear working on something, because we fear the truth that may be the result of the hard effort.

Insecurity really does people's heads in.. I wonder where it comes from. Being disappointed as a child, from the lack of understanding/love from our parents? Or just from the sheer sadness of the countless times we've failed in relationships, or witnessed failures, that diminish any last traces of hope that THIS particular relationship can actually work?

Makes me wonder really. Maybe the answer will come to me once I start my classes next week. The class seems to be filled with older students.. probably married.. and maybe they can enlighten me. lol

Or maybe YOU can! :)

Black Lisianthus x

Day 27

OMG.. I am furious at the moment! Absolutely FURIOUS!

People in this world just do not understand the concept of "B2B".

Or do they understand that there are other people in this world, and to be sensitive to other people's feelings. Just because someone thinks the world of you, doesn't give you the slightest fucking right to think that you own the goddamn world.

People an easily bring you up, and they can easily bring you down.

You step on my fucking tail, and you're in the other book. The black book. The book of people that I have absolutely no care about.

I'm Black and White. If I think you're cool, I put you in the white book. If I think you're not worth it, you go in the black book.

When I ask a favour from someone, despite all circumstances, situations, I always ask nicely, and show lots of appreciation and graitude for what I'm asking for and I never EVER expect that people will just do things for me for free.

But I DO NOT appreciate people who EXPECT me to help them, and expect me to do things for them, when all they asked was if I knew how to do something. What kind of question is that?

"Do you know how to use an eraser?"

Yes I do. But does is that a question to ask if I know how to use an eraser, or where there hidden agendas that you EXPECTED me to eraser your work for you?

And you would think, why can't I just do it with a loving soul and a loving heart.

Because I'm not a fucken charity.

I do not have to do anything for anyone if I didn't want to.

And maybe, if you had asked me nicely, I may have decided to do to it.

And maybe, if you fucken look at the things that I've done for you lovingly without any hope of anything in exchange, you will realise just how much I've done for you, and you think of what you've done for me?

If you show no gratitude, that's your problem. And with an attitude like thinking you own the world.. seriously.. I don't know how you'll be able to survive in the business world.

The business world is a dog eat dog world. And you need to be very careful of what you do. I've been fucked over so many times by so many different types of people.

I've learnt one thing from all this. Save your own ass. 

Another is, don't take for granted the things people do for you. He who is a real friend, is a real friend for life.

The way someone handles rejection, conflict and kindness, if a true representation of who they are.

I can see very clearly what people are like. Very clearly what they are doing. I just wonder sometimes whether they are aware of it.

Phewww.... Let out a whole pile of steam... Yep.. all out..

Now I can go back to focusing on my many projects!

And just laugh at these mindless people.

Black Lisianthus x

ps. On the upside though, there are people out there who are truly truly beautiful and helpful. These are the ones that I hold close to my heart. The ones that take out their time to care for me, and take out fear of judgement and fear of my yelling at them, and they keep coming back to love me. These are the ones who are my friends and the ones that I will give my heart and soul to.

If you ain't that... well you can think of what kind of friend you are to me.

Day 26

I'm actually a little inebriated (I actually wrote it as 'enibriated' until I dicitionary.com-med it! lol)

I just had one pot of Boags Draught - Yup full strength, the way I like it. Not light or lite beer.

Anyways. Today was HOT. I worked on my ensembles because I really needed to get them done. Time's ticking and I really need to get them done, send off the photos and really get started with my reading.

This morning, I just could not get up. I just felt really really tired and really sleepy. I didn't wake up til 12 midday.. and I sat in bed thinking about my family tree and my family history for a while. For homework purposes. hehehe..

Then I get a call from my aunt asking me to come over to call the hospital because of my grandpa.. but he was ok, so we didn't have to call. So that's a good thing.

So yeah.. Had my corn and butter for breakfast again, it was really good.. I think I'll get really fat from that... I had a banana later on.. and some tom yum noodles/ramen depending where you're from.. and after that some hainanese chicken rice. It sounds like a lot of food.. but I only had small portions.

Mood was ok. Just kinna really trying to get my garments done. So I actually had to sit down and think about what it would look like. But as I said the other day, this is not the blog to talk about that stuff. lol

I didn't end up singing the song today. I didn't have time in the morning and I also just lost the mood towards the end of the day. My voice wasn't doing it at all today.. I didn't feel connected to the song and just not good for singing.. so I didn't do it. Now, I even can't do it even more, because I'm a little on air.

I pimped out my chord progression that I mucked around with the other day, and sent it off to Xwansongs. Just a chord progression and some lyrics that I wrote.. A chorus and a verse. I can't even remember what the actual lyrics were ... but the song it self is about a person who stands as a bystander looking into the relationship that she is in, and she has to leave it because she knows that the perceptions and the goals of the relationship were different. It was something I wrote when I was feeling really shitty...

and the verse I just pieced together this avo, because last night I wrote the line "I am sitting on a bench called objective" which I wrote because I feel that I've been sitting on the edge and telling my friends and also myself, objectively what the problem is at this current moment. I'm an amazing person in that sense, that I can take myself out of the situation, out of my own pain, and see what it going on from an outsider's perspective.

I'll pat myself on the back for that.

I also, see very objectively someone else's problem and situation as well. I guess it's a skill to develop.

My friend just came back from her US trip. So it was just funny listening to her stories.. And i'm just fascinated by the way they do business there, it's amazing how silly things can be. And it's even more silly just how much the GFC has fucked over the US and how much homelessness is everywhere, yet it doesn't seem like people really care much to do anything, but to just go on their everyday lives doing whatever they do.

It's like.. It's your own nation, don't you care?

I know there's probably a very small community of people who DO care, but otherwise ... meh..

I also am very tempted to go to America and open a restaurant there.. Aussie style!. Yup... Aussie style!

But at the same time I'm really fascinated to know WHY there are so many taxes and things that get charged.. what is the REAL DEAL.

That and I wanna go there to drink... since it sounds like it's so goddamn cheap.. I just wanna go there and drink beer! Buddies!!! One of my fav beers!! :D

Anywhoo... There wasn't much significant going on today... So toodles!

Black Lisianthus x