Day 86

emotions - tired, reflective, happy, flirty, wise, disappointed, confused, lonely, content, important. 

It's been a week since I last wrote. I seem to have a trend to write on Thursdays. I'm actually feeling rather run down at the moment. I've been really busy in the last few days and weeks, since trying to finish off my assignment (which I did, one week before the due date)!

My weekend was kind of interesting. Just finished my assignment off, went out for drinks, caught up with someone I actually wanted to see... Monday I went for a long walk after I handed in a hardcopy of my assignment and just thought about what it would be like to have someone walk with me on my long walk to the new DFO.

That night was interesting. The person that i wanted to walk with me... said something weird to me. So i told him I was hurt by what he said, and he didn't really say anything else to me. He just ran from it. Suppose that's a good thing, so if he couldn't handle that, what would he actually do in a real conflict, just give up and go?

Tuesday.... I did a bit of tv watching, followed by some catch up reading and then some kick boxing and catching up with my friend. It was a good night. I should've brought more clothes or longer pants, because it was freezing for the rest of the night.

Wednesday... was a long day at work... and at two times during the day felt really queezy and really needed to eat. Just felt really faint and weak. I must eat. If I don't eat my body goes weird. it scares me a little sometimes. But it's hard to eat on time... but as I'm getting older, my body is teaching me that I must eat at all times, for if not.. I will get sick.

I will bow to you, my body.

Today i've just been hit hard.. ok not so hard.. not as hard as the last time i got really sick, but i'm run down. My lymph glands are hurting, shoulders, underarms, neck.... all the lymphy ones.. all hurting... makes me weary of whether i have hodgkins... but i doubt it.. it's not like it was random... or was it?

Anyway...

i watched this doco today.. one of my friends told me about it...

"50 years! Of Love?" on SBS Two.

Was quite interesting listening to them talk about how to sustain a marriage for over 50 years. They first started talking about how they met each other and what they thought of each other. It wasn't anything like coming from a romantic movie or anything.. lol.. not like she walked in class and he just couldn't take her eyes off her. There was one indian couple who've been together for 60+ years who were together because his mother thought that she was the one and wanted her to come over to his place all the time.

There was none of the sex before marriage, or living together before marriage. It was just dating, and then they got married, and then the sex started from there... Like one of the men said, "Today, sex is a taboo, tomorrow sex is expected" (he may not have used expected... but something along the lines of that). They interviewed a family in South Africa, an 84 yr old man who had 15 wives, 94 children, and was still able to do a "6-game" night or a "5-game" night with his many wives. Each lady had one week with him before he made the rotations to the next. All the wives got a long fine with each other - they learnt to love each other, because the first wife was a good person.. and so the others followed.

On the contrary to this, the interviewer shared a concern with the indian man and said that he feared that marriage may restrict his freedom, like what if he wanted to have other girlfriends in the future. The wise indian man said, "well, then you will have your girlfriends. But you have your girlfriends and you may not be happy. But if you're destined to be unhappy, then you will be.... everything is predetermined". I thought that was deep.

The indian couple also spoke of a period in life where you just turn to God and you just have no urge to have sex - that you both walk towards spiritualism and bond. It just made me re-think about where I am now, and whether I've stepped too far into spiritiualism and perhaps, is that the reason why I have not been going to the temple?

I'm still young. I still have things I need to do. Things I need to see. People I need to meet.

Towards the end of the doco, there was a little bit about the american couple - where the husband was in hospital. You could see the tears in her eyes when she was talking about what happened, and how she was in the bathroom, and the cat wanted to go outside and he walked over to let the cat out and then "THUMP!" He was on the floor.

She later had a telephone call from him, and she was asking, "Are you ok? Have you eaten? Did you eat everything on the tray? Ok, I'll see you soon".

The next day (or at least the next segment of the doco) he walks towards the door and yells out, "Hello, anybody home".. and you could just hear that laughter, that high pitched screechy laughter or relief, joy, love... she opens the door and they just hug, still laughing. They give each other a kiss, hug.. walk inside, sit down and she's like, "Why didn't you tell me you were coming home..... oh.. i forogt.. i'm cooking on the stove."

"You better go get that."

lol. Each couple fought - it was just a different way of communicating. lol

They talked about divorce. And how to the couples, divorce was just not on the picture. You just had to learn to accept the differences, accept the faults and try to work through it.

They talked about having space - whether through travelling or work or whatever, but it was necessary to give each other time, so that he can reflect on what a great prize he has, what a great wife he has. lol. As they know that they cannot have this relationship forever, someone will pass away before the other. If you've never had this space apart from each other, it would be very difficult in the to handle that situation.

So what happens at the end. Well the two people who did the documentary decide to get married.

I probably didn't do this doco justice in the really brief and very summarised version of it, but I will say that after watching it, I did feel a warmness about the whole notion of what love is. Though, I question, do we make it a lot more complex than it really is?

When can we ever find that perfect soul mate, that perfect match?

One of the people in the doco said, "Sometimes you are lucky and you meet someone who likes what you like". So i'm taking it, that sometimes you're not as lucky. However, in today's world, if you found that person that doesn't like what you like, then automatically you think, BOOM not a good match.

I blame consumerism.

And I don't mean those russian mail order brides.

We have too much choice. We have too many options, variations, functions, colours, sizes.... If this isn't good, what about this one, which is similar has more functions and does more things! Woahh..

But more and more we forget, what brings us together in the beginning is that intial physical attraction. Then with more chances of communication (whether face to face or e-communication or cell-communication) we might find ourselves either more in love or not.

And now we have this new thing about being weary of players and people who don't want to commit.

The "He's just not into you" shit and the "you're not the exception, you're the rule".

The pick up artists and the shit that they do.

What happened to just pure simple love. I think you're pretty cute, I like the feeling I get when I'm with you.

All these different terms - seeing, dating, official, unofficial, exclusive, not exclusive - quoting the boy who commented on one of my youtube vids - suck dick!

I'm old fashioned. I truly am. I still believe in the whole "Boy Meets Girl" (Tuuyen u still have my book!)

I still believe that when someone is truly interested in you, they want to know about you. They want to know everything about you. They want to spend time with you. They want to see you. Hear your voice. Be with you.

I still believe in trust, honesty, respect, support, love and care. I believe in being truly who you are, and just offering what you have to offer, instead of hiding behind some fucked up masks that fucked up pick-up artists wear to get girls in bed. Is that where you want to be only? In bed? Then fuck you!

One of the first things that one of the husbands says in the beginning of the doco is

"It's good to have a wife, kids, a family. I would think it would be really sad to be single and live the rest of your life single. It would really be sad."

And that's what we all fear.

And we also fear incompatibility.

Fighting. Rejection. Abandonment. Lonliness.

And the ultimate fear of marriages - divorce - the reliquishment of all the naive childhood fantasies and thoughts you had as a child about what your wife and married life will look like. I'm pretty sure no one went into a marriage thinking it was going to be all about the fighting.

I don't think anyone gets into a relationship and thinks that.

Our heart does crazy things ey? Physical attraction gets your attention. The flirting makes you eager. The honeymoon period lures you in futher. And THEN the relationship starts.

And some people just can't get there. It's too difficult.

I love seeing my friends who are in love. Because they've found that person that they've decided, I'm ready to take this person's shit (not literal). I'm ready to take on this person's crazy (women are fucken crazy).

But we all just crave and want a damn relationship, but when will we learn from our own mistakes and from others - just what is fucken realistic and whether we are ACTUALLY prepared for it.

Or do we just continue to lust after one person after the other?

Black Lisianthus x

Day 79

Emotions: super happy, excited, having direction, positive, hopeful, momentous, envisioned, fruity

lol

8 emotions, all positive! :D Yay!

SO what's been happening lately? Lots have been happening lately, so much that it's been super busy. i've actually made an effort to be more social lately, going out more, joining kick boxing, going to friend's VB games, speaking on MSN, working at that student placement place and really making a conscious effort to make an attempt to be assertive and show my interest in the certain projects that they are doing.

I even frantically searched for a Cert 4 course online last night and now.. and i finally FOUND what i was looking for... it took a while and different avenues.. but I think my good old university is the place to be! :D And i can fill my business card with all the degrees and qualifications that I have!! Yay!! :D

I guess it's when you have a goal, you will feel a need to fucken do it. You can't stop and you don't stop. You don't stop for seconds, you don't stop for what is second best. You have in your mind EXACTLY what you want and you fucken go out there and find it and say no to all the crap until you find what is yours! :D

It's been good lately. Really good. I've actually stopped caring so much about the past or what is behind me. Each day is a new day and I use up my energy in ways that I haven't used in ages... some people think that it's normal but for me it's an achievement that I can finally stand up again.

Eating has been ok... though i did so stuff to stuff my body over. I ate a sandwich under 5 minutes. Tha'ts unbelievable! for someone who eats as slow as I do. What you do is, you get two pieces of sandwich bread, whack in ham, cut the crusts off, cut into two triangles, and stack them on top of each other. so you're actually taking a freakin huge bit when you eat. The verdict? So freaking bad for you stomach.. especially if you are driving to somewhere and you are afraid of being late....

now THAT really fucks you over! way over! So over!  :S

So i've been on my meds in the last few days.. the other day OMG... it was bad... i had insomnia and i just couldn't sleep at allllll!!!! my stomach was like... you know what bitch, we're going to play with you.. and i wasn't even sure what was hurting.. my stomach or my heart.

so bad... :(

I've been doing a lot more counselling stuff lately than taking care of my fashion stuff... though there is a shoot this weekend, but i just don't think i can make it... i jsut can't be bothered. I have to get my assignments done so i can let go of one worry.

i fit in some guitar work today.. so that's good. At least that means that I had some fun with music... It was actually a musical day today.... lol.. wrote a song.. put some words to it.. does it mean anything.. not really... lol

anyways.. going to go back to counselling...

Black Lisianthus x

Day 74

Wow... I wrote a whole lot of stuff, but it's disappeared... Well.. I can't get it back, and I can't find it either.. LOL.. oh well...

Maybe some things were just meant to be not said, and not recorded and not published.

Maybe some things are just not meant to be read by those who are not supposed to read it. LOL

Anyway.. I'm gonna look through some pictures and then go to bed! :D

Day 65

Feelings:


Happy, warm, loved, funny, reflective, confident, inquisitive, feminine, studious, agitated, surprised, scared, focused, awe, fascination, confusion, good.

17 emotions, 13 positive, 3 negative, 1 in between.

Pretty good!! :D

I woke up with a really nice dream today and it coincidentally fit perfectly with my alarm. lol

basically what happened in the dream:

I was wearing my super mini shorts (which i wear to sleep some nights), a red t-shirt, and my over sized grey cardigan. i was walking down this street which in the dream I thought to be around fitzroy, carlton, brunswick area.. though it looked nothing like it. It was a beautiful and cultural place. Sort of like a market, with restaurants, cafes, butcher, fabric stores, market...

then I walked into the market area and it sold only fabric, and I saw a mother and child trying on fabric to to make these formal dresses for each other.

Then i kept walking along the street and it turned a little more city like (because I was walking towards the city) and then all these guys started to hassle me. Some of them I knew who they were, some I didn't. They started asking me "How much?" like I was some prostitute or something. i got really scared and angry. Two of the guys were actually friends of a friend of mine and they didn't do anything.

So i just continued to walk in my direction and the guys lost interested in me, but I was still scared, and one of them yelled out to me, "we're not talking about you anymore".

Then I saw some guy and a girl (who i think is my close friend). I started to walk after them, but they just kept walking away from me. Then they jumped on the back of a vehicle and was way ahead of me while i was chasing them. Their car stopped, and I caught up to them.

I started to sulk and told them the story of what happened when those boys were being annoying to me.

The guy then felt empathic for me and kissed me around my face, and made a louder popping sound when he kissed my ear.

Then everyone disappeared, and I was standing in front of a machine that showed you old photos, but in liquid form. I was looking for a while, then I felt someone behind me and tapped my back, and stuck a note on me.

The note was small and had love hearts and smiley faces on it and it said,

"SOUP POP"

and that's when my alarm went off.. and it was the sweetest song... lol... I just woke up and smiled and thought.. OMG.. this is just like a HK drama. LOL

After that I went back to sleep. Was a little sick. Waste my time trying to wake up early and then just go back to sleep.. but as i thought this morning.. if i didn't even want to sleep last night til 3am, how would i wake up early..

I was awake for 20 hours yesterday.. i know so hard core. lol

my girl friend came over and we had a really good chat about everything and anything.

We've ignited each other's fire and passion for wanting to go to New York and make it big. lol

We said we would do it before 2012. We're going to do it! :D

I also got an email i think. i filtered that person's email but the email still came up in my inbox.. and I read like a small preview of it.. and it just sounded a little aggressive so I was like..

"I ain't going to read it".

I'm not ready to. I just moved it to another file and will read it when I'm ready.

i still feel embarassed.. but at the same time, I had to have said everything that I did. It was all too much and just eating me inside each day. Like I said yesterday, i feel so much more lighter, like I dropped off a heavy load. But I'm just still too scared to read what he has to say.

I said wayyyyyy to much. lol.. way toooo much...

But yeah.. I finished my assignment.. and will be starting the next one tomorrow or Sunday rather. Gotta do some reading tomorrow and maybe go back to writing my songs.

I'm trying to orchestrate another project for my fashion stuff.

My photography project is coming to an end, with the final photographers to do their shoots. I don't even know how many photo shoots I've done just yet. LOL I think all up I've gone to ...... 5. and another 3 to go.. LOl

WOW!

anyway.. I do feel good. I bought myself a white eyeliner! :D will buy some eye lash glue!

I bought some corn, and thought about my sweet little birds... that used to love corn, and get their faces filled with corn and feathers stained in yellow. LOL

I also renewed my driver's licence! Got a new photo! Yay! No more young 21 year old! Proper 25 year old!

I also sent off a gift for my sponsor child. A hygiene book.

I also registered to be an organ donor.... now this is something that was quite big. I actually wanted to do it 4 years ago, but was too afraid to. Just the thought of dying scared me.

Now I"m old, if something happened to me, like I was brain dead, just take my organs. Take em. lol That would be something i needed to tell my parents and future partner ey.. Otherwise, when something does happen, and the doctors started to harvest me, they might feel a little like.. what the hell is going on??

Anyways. i'm gonna go to bed or something.. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Day 64

Feelings: 


Anxious, embarassed, laughing, confused, more confusion, tired, productive, significant, scared, tired, embarassed, shock, disbelief, sadness, reflective, reminiscent, happiness, sadness, hope, reminiscent. 

Strange set of feelings today. 20 feeling words - 5 positive, 5 kind of unsure... 50/50 kind of ok

I started the extremely embarassed. I was really embarassed for what I did. Not only is the cat out of the bag, but a lot of things that had come out had come out.

I feel embarassed yes for making mysel into a fool. I do that all the time, so yeah, i have no shame.

I went to work... feel a little uncertain for what would happen. They didn't say anything.. and yes they didn't get my email either. Oh well.. what can you do.

I felt active, I felt good to be given an opportunity to get straight into the work rather than to do pointless crap. Only day 2 and I'm doing important things already.

Then on the way home...... long drive. It seriously is a long drive.. but it's shorter than going public.. public would take forever.

Got home from work.. still felt embarassed and stupid for what I did, was going to tell my girls about it, then I get an email.

Rather shocking and sad. Something that I have been actively volunteering in for a long time is closed. Not only closed but gone. Gone for good. Liquidated. Such a strong word.

It's so sad. i remember the first time I was there. I remember all the long nights. All those memories of all my friends that stayed up and talked to me through that time.

All the training I did. All the new skills and tools that I developed and learnt. All that happiness and support from everyone.

And now it's all gone. All gone. So that no one can help anyone else. Extremely excruciatingly sad.

My girlfriend came over earlier, to give me an intervention. Though, I don't have much to intervene. I know what an idiot I am. I know that. But I guess in some ways, those were things I held so tightly and each day it was just eating me. I needed to say what I needed to say. I needed to specifically tell that person all the things I needed to say. Now it's all out, and now it's gone.

I feel emptied out. Like everything is now gone from me. gone.

I'm too embarassed to even think about the person. Too embarassed to even talk to that person, or anything. I just don't want to have anything to do with this person. Which is a good thing for the situation. Because now I can fully just move on. I don't have anything to hold me back and I certainly don't want to communicate with this person.

I just feel blah, and very embarassed.

Though that aside, i know that there are so many things I want to do before 2012.

I made a pact with a friend that we would go to a place together. We would do it together. It would be easier that way. It's not so scary for me, if she was with me.

Gosh.. that sounded rather depressing and suicidal. lol..

No, we want to go to New York to try our luck. She in acting, me in fashion.

But my steps to take before I take the plunge is get my stuff out there where I live. Do and finish everything that I'm commited to, and just get it out of the way, then total focus.

I watched the whole biography of Tony Robbins yesterday... I dunno. i was feeling depressed and upset by everything that I was thinking about. It was Tony Robbin's story that gave me strength to just do it. Go out there and just do it. Don't hold anything back. just bang bam pow.

And I determined. I want to do it.

I'm sick of waiting. Waiting for what?

I accidentally went to this place where I would not go anymore. Accidentally.. Thank God nothing was there.

There are things I can avoid. And I'm glad it's done in places that I can avoid. I will avoid them, for a long while until I'm good.

This is my only bag of barley and my only ox left. I have nothing left. So i'm going to have to go out there and do it.

I have to save the world in another way.... i don't have that volunteering outlet anymore.. well.. I have another volunteering place that I haven't started yet, and yeah i will start that really soon.

Kickboxing... i might have to postpone?

Or i could give it a session and see how it goes. Got nothing to lose. Might fall in love with it.

Just so sleepy i can't sleep.

Black Lisianthus x