Day 24. 5

Ok.. mini win.

I GOT MY DAMN YOUTUBE ACCOUNT BACK!!

WOO!!

All my favourites are still there.. My three crap ass videos aren't there anymore.. Thank the LORD!

Maybe it's a sign.. Do better videos! LOL

Ok.. I'm feeling A WHOLE LOT better already!!

*BIG SQUEEZY HUGS* to YouTube! :D

Day 24

Day 24

I find that the hardest parts of the day is when I'm on my bed. Mornings and nights are the worst. That's when all these thoughts come into my head.. and when I'm ever really wanting to sleep (during the day time) or when I refuse to sleep (during night).. I know it's completely back to front.

I spend a great deal of time on my phone playing solitaire at night time. Like addicted to it. I play really rapid. Each game lasts around 120seconds or less. And I do win quite often. Well, how could I lose if I keep playing. I'll be like solitaire champ soon.

In the morning I don't want to get out of bed. Each day is difficult. I try to do something. Like do my dress. I stay away from the laptop as much as possible because I know that once I sit down, I'm stuck down.

I paid off my visa bill today. May as well right. I went on YouTube and it's making my life really difficult. I deleted my other account - from a very impulsive move - and didn't realise it would be this difficult. I cannot stay logged on because all my other accounts are linked to the main one. So now, I'm trying to reopen the old account. I mean how GAY am I? and it keeps sending me the same email saying that the associated email is not the one I sent them. I'm so confused. I don't even know which is which now.

How screwed up is life nowadays when if you're not happy with the "way you are" you simply change a username, change a facade. Maybe that's why a lot of people get really upset and confused when their facade is being challenged.

Identity crisis.

I'm still the same person, I just refuse to be with people. I felt sulky yesterday and felt like a loser because it was a Saturday night and I was at home for no reason at all.

Sulking at the fact that everyone is probably out having fun and I'm alone at home watching tv with my ass glued to the coach --> where I have been for like the last few days.

But the fact is, I had two choices to go out. Catch up with some people that I hardly ever talk to, or go to a friend's house and watch a movie. I said no to both. I even lied about one of them and said, "Oh I never got the email."

Bull shit.

I got the damn email chain alright.

I just didn't want to have to put on a "face". I didn't want to make an effort to be human. What's wrong with me. -_-"

It's safe to be at home. It's safe to not have to face anyone. Just hide behind a screen. Pretend to write happy things. Pretend to post up happy things. Numb my brain and my heart with mind numbing-heart numbing crap like reading oatmeal from oatmeal.com and watching cats do silly things....

When will this stop... Soon I hope. I don't like this one bit at all. I feel paralysed. I feel like such a slob. Can feel the my body just thinking... "wow.. not active at all."

My summer school subjects sounds really cool. Looking forward to that.

Photography project - That looks interesting too, but yeah, pressure's on me to finish the damn garments and actually get people moving. That is the most difficult thing in the world, get people moving. Drive people forward. I just wanted a simply thing. But I'm not sure whether it's going to be simple. It seems difficult as it is already. I want to give up but part of me is like really enjoying making this dress.

I'm starting on the next one tomorrow. I really have to get a move on with it. The red one is hard. But I'll talk more about it in the right place.


Have I been eating lately.

Not well. I dont eat until 1PM each day. Cos I don't get out of bed til at least noon. Dinner is around 7-ish but I get really hungry by 11pm and then I have something small which is really bad, because then I feel full and can't sleep. So I use that as an excuse to stay up and play solitaire.

I don't even want to talk to people. I find I use up way too much effort just trying to get people to do as I say. I hide most of the week, and only can find enough energy or effort to do something on Friday night.

I must say. Last night I was really scared. Just waiting for the same message. I hate this. It's so stupid. I hate feeling so powerless.

I watched a talk show today. They had an interview with Gary Cho. Really cool guy. Not so much inspirational, but cool. He openly lets everyone know that he has depression and that he tried to commit suicide in the past and he was in a lot of messed up situations. I love that. I love that depression is not a taboo. It shouldn't be because it is the number ONE cause of death.

Yeah. Depression. Number ONE disease affecting males and females.

Our world is just to negative and morbid. I hate to feel apart of that world right now, but there's so much that happens and so much that everyone aspires to.

I read some stuff yesterday. I went to this website - I've been there before, a few times and each time I have different feelings. First time I was there I just thought, "Wow, what a cool website". The next few times were, "hrm... I wonder who that person is.." .... then felt anxious going there ... and finally yesterday I went there again and read over some of the comments that people left.

Lots of positive affirmations and encouragement. The guy must feel so lucky to have such supportive friends and family. It was only yesterday that I realised there was a second page ... I know slow.. I read this bit that I thought, wow.. Someone said something about the person not having a bed but having progressed to what he is today. I just "Wow". Why does this guy not talk about it? Why does he always just bunch it up and say, "Bad past, but it's made me who I am today."

Maybe he's not over it? Perhaps that's why he needs positive affirmations and tangible recognition for what he is capable of. That is kind of sad in a way. It really does contradict "I do it because I love it, not because I want to impress others." That's what everyone wants to think, but I'll say, why not just be honest with what you want.

Do I want people to recognise me for what I've achieved? To a certain degree yes, but more importantly the one person that I want to say to me, "Darling, you're a really hard working person, with lots of talent. You've done so much and you have the biggest heart. You deserve all that you desire" - is myself.

I want to be able to listen to my words. To listen to that voice from within that says, "Dude, you're awesome. I can't believe just how generous you are".

I want to believe those words. But it's hard.

This is depression. You fight with yourself - each and every day.

Yesterday night, I was feeling bored so I re-read over the conversation I had with this one bad egg that has been fucking my life over since 2007. So the conversation was Bad Relationship 2 - 2008. Bad Relationship happened in 2007 and ended like in 2007 like around my birthday. Beautiful ending getting all the presents I ever got this person returned to me in a black bag placed under the exhaust pipe of my dad's car.

Anyway.. the conversation... I read over it last night and just laughed. I thought, WOW, that guy was seriously a TOTAL DOUCHE! LOL.. and I was a TOTAL DOUCHE! lol ... I can't believe what the hell was over me. Why was I so "totally into" this douche?

What was I thinking? He was insensitive, abusive, he called me so many different names like "ass", "gay", "fag" and what not (I'm not gay btw) ... Maybe he was trying to make it sound like, "hey we're buddies" or something ... I don't know strange. The conversations went around literally nothing.

And then there will be days when he's like angry at me for no reason - oh sorry, for a reason that "annoyed me everyday this weekend. I don't care anymore, I don't want to think about it. I don't care what you say. I don't want to think about it anymore."

Man.. so fucked up.

I don't know WHY and HOW I put up with that crap. Seriously. And you could read the amount of effort I placed to try to put out the fight. Trying to use my conflict management skills. LOL

I just thought it was HILARIOUS now, what happened then. I remember there was this one fight that caused me to just get away from him. That and I read the book "He's just not that into you" - and that's when it REALLY kicked in. He really isn't into me. And I left. LOL

After a while he sent me a message on msn - "Are you in some hating period with me?"

When I think of it now.. I think.. was I the deluded one, or was this guy in need of some serious help?

I felt really bad and sorry for him. Spent the entire of my first year classes as Counselling School, just thinking of the situation between us, his situation and his problems and what it all could mean. What a waste of time seriously. I ended up sending him an email in 2009 around mid year, just to check up on him, see what he was doing and whether he was actively doing something to fix his problems.

I literally said to him, "I just wanted to know how you're doing, and how your dealing with everything, where you are."

He answered. "Oh thanks for the email. Do you wanna catch up?"

lol... Very half-arsed answered, but never made the effort to catch up. People I don't want to see, I rarely see. LOL And I make great excuses for why I "can't" make it or do the whole, "yeah, sure, just let me know."

Anyway. The last time I saw this guy was this year 2010, after my friend's wedding. He for some reason was "at the wedding, but I wasn't at the wedding." And he saw me wearing a dress and heels and commented on "how pretty you look with heels and a dress"... seee!! He was always saying all this crap about me being a dude, and lesbian, and a charmer for learning how to play the guitar. Like what??

This is a classic example of people who DON"T make an effort to KNOW you. lol.

And because of this guy, I had a hard time understanding what relationships were, how they formed, what constitutes as a relationship and so on. lol

I laugh now, but I was like so messed up then. That day I saw him after like so many years, I was soooo drunk, I said a lot of things that I wouldn't say before.

Things about his job, about him being a vampire, becoming an american, being somewhere in this world, gambling .... and some other stuff that I have no recollection of. lol

Vampire.. You know that dickhead from Twilight, Edward Cullen. This dickhead was the same. EXACTLY the same. Same hairstyle, same skin colour, same disappearing and reappearing.. Oh gosh, I hope he wasn't like stalking me and watching me sleep at night. The only thing that this guy was different about Edward was that Edward really did care. He sped over to save her.

This guy? I think he wouldn't even know if I'd be dead unless he heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend.

Talk about irresponsible. He thought that the most responsible thing to do was to not be my boyfriend because I would be safe. LOL.. See... If that Meyers chick didn't write her Twilight series, I could've totally written mine and made shitloads.

Anyway.. I've learnt my lesson from that guy. I can't believe it took me until now to finally see what a douche-y relationship we had and how stupid I was... am?

I think I'm just a totaly romantic. Always thinking the best of every situation. I just don't see why I need to think otherwise. Isn't it better to think of good things? Right? To think well of everyone?

I don't want to think badly of anyone, until THEY prove themselves to be bad eggs.

I like writing. It helps me think. No wonder why I have so many blogs. So many spaces in this interweb that records my thoughts and feelings.

I"m really weird. I think I am really weird. (And that fucker from the past said to me countless times "You're messed", "You're really weird you know that?" ... and I think it was his anger towards me being the first person to ever just say up front to his face, "You're fucked"... that freakin psycho pussy).

Anyway.. yes I'm weird.

I'm a bottle, and when I'm too filled with negative stuff, and it starts to overflow, I shut down. I like literally shut down and get rid of things, block things, delete things, run away.

But once I start to unload a lot of this negativity, I start to unblock things, try to re-open things, and start to think about walking back. Even though YouTube is making it virtually impossible to get my account back. Sad. lol. Even if I did get it back everything will be deleted. Every bit of information.


YouTube is the sad reality. That when you walk away and delete something, a lot of things from the past becomes deleted, gone. And no matter how hard you try, you may never get it back.

It was my choice to do what I did. I do regret it in so many ways. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do anymore. T_T

sigh....

Might go back and try to find my YouTube. Oh YouTube, please let me have you backk!!

Black Lisianthus x

ps. I totally saw the bouquet I want to have for when I get married !! White lisianthus a few white roses but lots of green leaves and things... sooo antique like... beautiful. :)

Day 23 v2

I hate how when I write something I always make it sound like I've resolved everything, like I'm telling a story with a moral to help other people.

Truth is, I still haven't been able to get over a lot of things. Current things. My ears still ring and I still get anxious when I go on youtube.

I think there are people who were born the way they are and they just are they way they are. I guess, I never saw it in that way, because maybe I saw things through my own eyes and just didn't think people could be like that.

I don't think I ended up doing anything. I don't think I made much of a difference.

I just hate myself for being so stupid. For being so dumb and naive.

I was vulnerable. I still am.

They say that to show vulnerability is the most beautiful thing. But it seems that whenever I show a little bit of vulnerability, I tend to regret it later.

Or maybe I just haven't met the right person to be vulnerable with.

I want to cry. But I just can't.

It's 8PM. My grandpa supposedly hasn't been eating much this week and has been really tired. I don't think it's going to be any longer.

I wish I could be in the arms of someone really strong right now. Someone who can just be here to make it not so daunting.

Truth is, I'm really scared right now. I'm really scared of the unknown. Really angry at those who don't have to feel what I feel right now. Angry at my friends for not understanding and only seeing what I'm representing on the outside. Angry at someone who said that I was special to him for not saying or doing anything, when he probably knows how sad and scared I am right now. Angry at myself for allowing myself to trust someone who doesn't give a shit.

I know there's a meaning. I know there's a profound meaning, a profound reason. But this waiting is agony. I know I can go and do something to keep my mind off, but no matter WHAT I do, my mind goes back to the same spot. And the only thing I feel I can do is just write. Write to thin air.

I was "happy" yesterday. No I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. But I still smiled and laughed at things I thought was funny. I still look at things in a positive way, but this angst I feel is just like.. - cut it out of me. Make it go away. I don't want to feel this way.

Black Lisianthus x

Day 23

Hrm... I know you must be thinking.. Woahh.. what a big jump.. But today really is day 23... and I just lost count and started to number each post instead of actually thinking about what the day is.

A thought came into my mind yesterday... about why that book stood out... that book "Act With Love" by M.D. Harris Russ, that I was talking about the other day... The blurb said,

"There's no such thing as a perfect love. Love comes and goes like the weather."

And I remember thinking.... wow..  O_O

Kinna throws out my idea of the perfect soul mate, "the one" and all that shananigan.

Friday was one of those days where I just felt really straight to the point. Didn't want to tolerate any shananigans. LOL... Ok.. I didn't want to tolerate - irrationality, insensitivity, illogic, incomprehendable actions.

I really was sick and tired of listening to things that are just people's negative ways of thinking and trying to find meaning of a certain situation, when all they do to look for the answer is look at the problem.

Just imagine your problem as being a bucket of mucky black water. To solve that problem, you would need to somehow make the water clear again.

The first thing most people do is, sit and stare. Stare at the water. Think about what is that black stuff. How did that black stuff get there in the first place.. Who made that black stuff get there. What can I use to get the black stuff out.

Some people end up getting paralysed about here. There's too many questions to think about.

Then some other people start coming along offering their two cents. "Maybe you should try this..." "Oh... I think it's because of this... " "You know what... Did you try this before?"

and etcetera etcetera ...

People are so easily fooled. So ages goes past and you are still sitting there in front of a bucket of water.

And this is exactly what happens to people. People like to complicate things. People like to find meaning in something that probably doesn't have meaning, and it probably doesn't matter anymore.

Just tip out the water, and fill it up with new water.

And you know what's even more fucked. People who try to argue with you when you're trying to tell them something.

-_-"

Zero tolerance with people like that. So yes last night I was telling my friend off. Not in a harsh way, but more as a matter of fact, frank, straight to the point blended with some positive directions. I am very very decisive - I know what I want, and I know what I'm saying. Except, obviously when I'm in a really dark place..

but yes... she didn't argue with me. She just smiled and could not look me in the eye, because she knew I was right. Or just couldn't take it in that I was right. Sometimes it worse for a friend to tell them the "nice" things, than it is to just say what you know they don't want to hear.

I always say things that people don't want to hear. The truth is hard to chew, but it needs to be heard.

People are really negative. They always swing to the bad side of the fence. I asked everyone to give me their email address, only. I haven't said anything else. And this one person is like, "Oh I'm leaving in two weeks, that could be a problem".

My answer was, "How is that a problem?"

This girl yesterday wrote about how her life is shit and how much she hated it. Oh you have no idea how many times I've heard that. "I hate my life." "Life is boring".

Talk about it. Find someone to talk about it. Visualise it. What does a happy life look like? What does a perfect partner look like? What does a loving family look like?

When I told one of my girlfriends, who seemed to disappear into her paranormal life this week about the kinds of events I had this week, she looked really sad. Probably felt guilty for thinking that I didn't care about her all week.

Well, truth is, I didn't.

I didn't care about anyone this week. If anything, I felt like picking up fights, but never did.

I don't care either. Truth is that people in this world don't care about people. Only a few people with love go out and truly love others. Most just sit back and think of the scheming acts that others were/are "planning" against them and wallow in the angst and pain of

"Why..? Why do they hurt me?? Why doesn't anyone love me??"

You only get what you give.

I give a lot. In return, I receive love, but some things I'm not getting. I wonder why.

I realised yesterday how I live my life. How I balance out my freedom and sponteneity with my structured and scheduled lifestyle. I need structure. I need to know - Friday 9.30AM - 12.30Noon I have my Methods 2 class; I need to know that Thursdays I have a student placement; I need to know that Friday night is friend's night.

When I have a partner, I will also need to pen in such and such time on such and such day is our time.

I don't do it because I'm anal. (and fuck you for saying that!) I do it because I structurise and make sure that everyweek the important things are adjusted and not changed. Because that gives me the freedom and security to know I can float around and do all that I need to do during the week, pencil in meetings, go shopping, drive to the beach, play music, make clothes... perhaps do a bit of work...

and then I know that I can do all that, but still have time to see my friends, to go to school, to see a partner (wherever he is) and to have time to just be where I need to be.

I don't like being tied down. I don't like being locked down. I don't like having to wake up everyday and have to do something or be somewhere just because someone says so, or I feel like I HAVE to.

I want to live each day because I WANT to. How I WANT to.

I'm talking to damn much. I'm glad I scheduled in my session for Monday.

My stupid friend kept asking me questions about something I DID not want to talk about at all.

Truth is THAT person no longers gives a crap. Probably never gave a crap to begin with.

So be it.

Black Lisianthus x

Day Sixteen

I'm still actually finding it hard to get out of bed. It's not so much being tired today... or just wanting to sleep more.. but it's the utter fact that because it's a NEW day, the same problem comes back out and NEW thoughts about it comes out.

Strange, I know.

So I was ruminating over new things, new emotions, and new thoughts this morning. Hungry as anything. Knew I really needed to get out and get something to eat before the pain hits too hard.

I sat around thinking and sharing my thoughts with the air, hoping that the messages will be carried on to the person... by then it was noon-ish.

I just got up, got ready and just got out of the house - Zinger burger, chips and Pepsi sounded good.

(I know it's not at all good food to have when you're having stomach problems.. but hey.. )

On the way to KFC, I was being tempted by other fast foods.... Maybe a Red Rooster roll thing... maybe something healthier like a turkey and cranberry roll from Maccas ... maybe some pasta?

But I was determined. I came here for KFC and that is what I shall get!!

So I did.

And then started the chain of messages.

Call me psycho, NOT like you don't already. I believe that everyday, the universe speaks up to you, passes on a message.

Today.. I received a few.

First. I was eating my stop-my-heart-beating food while facebooking an upset friend who is afraid she may lose her job - although, it looks like she did. This old guy, blonde hair, blue eyes, sat down on my table and after I kinda finished eating, and after I put my phone down (finally), he started to talk to me.

He kept asking me to come along and visit this Chinese Methodist Church nearby, that I didn't even know existed. lol. He told me a bit about his background (Chinese wife.. asian fever?), the kind of work he did (expediator - mining industry), (emporio armani glasses!), and talked a little bit about life and the importance of friends.

Maybe I appeared to be lonely? cos I sat alone eating while texting.. like.. how sad is that right..? Is it really?? I was going to push my boundaries and watch "AVATAR" alone given that I haven't seen it, and everyone around me has seen it already.

Anyway... he was talking talking talking.. and what I got from it was this message..

"Life is hard. Making money is hard. There's no such thing as free money, or easy money."

"The younger you are, you spend so much time making money and you don't have time to think of things. Think of how certain things become. Where things come from. how things are formed."

"Having friends make things easier. Makes life better."

Sometimes, I think that I am really grateful that I HAVE the time to sit and think these things. Think of why things happen, why people come to you, why you are told what you are told.

He left. His name was Mark btw.

The message I received was when I was looking for a calender. YES, it IS Jan 28th 2010, and ONLY now am I going to buy a calender that pretty much the first month is redundant. (But it was 75% off and MONET!)

I walked around the book store to the "Self Help" section and picked up a book titled "Act With Love" and turned over to the back to read some reviews, as you do. The first things I read was -

"There is NO such thing as a perfect partner".

LOL. Lovely.

Well.. it said some other stuff.. but I can't really remember it now.. but basically on the lines of, learning how to act with love with your partner to create a loving relationship. This, I guess, in a lot of ways correlates to what Tony Robbins talks about love and relationships. He thinks that anyone can have a GREAT and PASSIONATE relationship with ANYONE. You just have to work hard with it.

Like what the older dude was telling me in the beginning - Life is hard. Love is harder.

Then I saw a sign.. "See the Light" ... LOL on a poster.

Went home and got an email for "Love and Relationships" from Tony and Sage Robbins.

Then decided to screw all this and watch a bit of tennis, only to have missed Li Na and Serena William, OMG 6 - 7, 6 - 7, OMG... must have been a realllly Good Game!

And then it was the Jie Zheng vs Justine Henin game.. LOL it was over in like.. an hour or so. Even less maybe... I think the scores were... 2 - 6, 1 - 6. or was it zero... oh nooo.... -_-"

All the while I was designing, my manly tee. lol.

Yesterday, I finally worked on my garments. Started off with one concept, it ended up turning out to be something completely different.

But that is what life is like sometimes. You start off with one idea, and it always ends up something different. Always something you don't expect.

So all in all. Today I feel a lot better. Though, I DON"T know what the weekend will bring. The past few weeks have taught me that weekends are always the scariest.

Black Lisianthus x