Day 179

It's been 6 months of 2010 already and I dare say that I cannot believe I made it thus far.

Life is way too weird and it gets way more weird as each day unfolds and you start to see unfamiliar things, listen to things that you may not want to hear and feel all these strange and new feelings that torment me and stir up unwanted feelings.

I still wish in so many ways to just get up and leave and start a new life somewhere else and leave everything behind here. Everything.

I don't know whether life is supposed to be here or it's meant to be somewhere else. Or perhaps I don't want to have life here for now, and for the next few years, I feel as if life should be had elsewhere and then I will return.

Do I feel as if there is a place here?

Not really. I don't feel as if there is a worth being here.

I think that I did. I think that there was a person that I thought, yes, this person might be a reason for staying here, but this was all a fantasy and a dream.

I didn't really understand the cloud that was overpowering me, causing many nights where I just didn't want to sleep, and many days I just did not want to wake up. I thought it was just the sheer hatred for the person within me that couldn't find a job. But I have a job. A job that I go to, sometimes without purpose but for the fact that it's a routine and a place to go to do 'something', and some times, I don't know what that 'something' is until I'm there.

I just want to finish off my studies because I don't want to keep doing it anymore.

I do want a relationship and it's so apparent that no one really understands what's happening, nor do they want to understand.

I'm not even so sure whether people support what I'm doing, or what I want to do.

And it's fair because it's their opinion and not mine.

What makes me really fucked in the head is that I want to be loved for who I am.

I don't want to be "Oh she's ok" to someone. I've had that experience before and it didn't end up in a good place at all. Have I gotten over that experience, probably not. Do I want to confront the guy? I don't know. I don't see how that would solve anyone's problems, perhaps just solve mine, but this is a guy that is so broken up inside that anything that goes on will shatter him.

I don't want to be the girl that someone "will give it a go and see what happens". No I don't want that.

I want to be someone's, "Yup, she's the one that I've been waiting for." the girl that someone will willingly do things for, sit by my side, want to make me smile, show me his world and love me and let me love him.

I don't want to try hard for anyone. Is that love? Is love meant for a girl to try hard to get and try hard to keep. NO

and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of having to try to make up a relationship with someone who didn't even bother to try. and if you think that moving three centimetres than I'm sorry, I think it's more of your own motivation and what you want, than what you actually think is right for me.

Do I feel loved by the people that I love?

Not really. And I know I am slowly moving away from people. Placing all my emotions and my experiences and beliefs into small containers and storing them away. Who is close to me, who is not.

Who actually wants to be my friend for life and who has other intentions.

I feel like I"m in such a hellish place and it's doing my head in at the moment. I don't enjoy any moment of it. I don't enjoy where I live each day. I don't enjoy what I do each day, that sort of routine that I have.

I still want to wake up everyday in a different place. Facing a window, overlooking something beautiful. The sea, the mountains, the gardens, the hills.

I want to wake up next to someone I feel warm next to. Someone who will give me a chance to see a world that I have not yet seen and have not experienced.

I want to feel apart of a loving and warm place with people who value me, respect me, and care for me.

i want to wake up each day not having to think or get angry with things that I cannot control, that I don't want to control and I don't want to be apart of.

I don't want to be apart of that person's life. At all.

and even if that person wanted something to do with my life, it's up to that person to do something about it and not for me to even think about. Me thinking about it only makes it worse for me. But quite frankly, despite what you think, or what you know, I KNOW that I don't see a future with that person. I don't want to be that person who has to endure that unsolicited or unpredictable temperament, where I don't know when he will react or he will ok.

I'm the one who has to live the rest of my life. I'm the one who will be the one to wake up next to this person and share a life with this person, not anyone else.

so, yes, I think that I have a say in what I do, and who I want to be with, and I don't need to justify this to anyone, nor do I have to have support.

But it gets to the point of whether or not I believe that when something bad does happen, do I have anyone to turn to, do I have anyone that will still support me, or will I just endure it alone.

If it came down to my choice, possibly, keeping it to myself will be th easier option. Whether I am happy or not, only I will ever know. Perhaps, I really need to rethink about my direction, and re-think about what exactly I want to do with my life and where exactly do I want to be.

Day 141

Almost midway

I have to say i have accomplished quite a bit in the last month. It actually feels good, but a little boredome creeps up on me as now i haved finished doing what i hve to do in terms of study.

i have actually made a lot of changes lately and still in some ways feeling the repercussions of what i've done.

i've basically steered clear of a friend because i just felt that it was not healthy that we were always relying on each other and she really need to go her own way to figure out what she needs to figure out and i just didn't want this drama and chaos in my life.

next week i'm starting paid work which is really exciting. I haven't actually found a place where i wanted to work in for a long time. I guess this is the first organisation that i actually feel really apart of and really comfortable. I see potential, though where i can climb too doesn't seem to be that far away. So i know for sure there needs to be another horizon in the picture so that i can go further. so i'm actually quite happy and happilly looking into further study.

in terms of relationships, i'm really fed up. I really want to have a relationship now. I accidentally, or i guess, very luckily came across a tony robbins clip on youtube today because it was in my recommended videos for you bit... and it's not a new one. i've seen it before but what stood out to me was what tony said about relationship

"how can you say you want to be in a relationship but you don't want to make any commitments and you don't want to think of a life with anyone else"

major conflict.

I'm guilty of it. I know that. NOt the thinking of being with someone, but the refusing to commit to anything part. Lived in a comfortable cycle for so long that i just didn't want to man up and just pick a place to work for the fear of being bored, being fired, or just not fitting in.

i'm making a change and am thinking in a longer term view. I guess the major outlook into life that i need to make is to think about the staples in life and things that will tie me down. Although, that's not the reason why I want to do further study.

I really want him to come into my life now. I'm ready. I'm ready and willing to commit. I'm ready to pick the right guy, someone who seems to fit right in to my life and just be with him. yes i am.

I really am.

Day 110

Emotions - accomplished, tired, overworked, less stressed

It's already one third of the way through the year, 110 days. Now that's a long time... interestingly enough, that's about the same amount of time I used so far to get this exhibition going. LOL. I guess it does take a long time to organise something, especially a project this big.

All i can say is that I've learnt a lot about life in general with this project, and i actually feel a little over photography. lol. well for now at the very least.

So over it! I realised just how much I've done in the last few months, weeks, days. I've finished my assignments that are due so far, and have another two on the way. I really do need to make a start on them. Don't you see how crap that is! But i won't start today though.. I've racked my brain enough today..

I've met a lot of people.. Hassled a lot of people. Like non-stop hassling. LOL. You have to if you're under pressure. The more people drag you behind, the more pressure and stress they've caused for you. So what I do is, I'd rather pressure them now, get them to finish of what is required way ahead of time, so that gives me more time to make sure everything is done, rather than have to rack my own brain in the end because other people can't get their stuff done.

I was disappointed with one group though. They promised a great deal of excitement and took some amazing pictures, though in the end, they never went ahead with what they had said and in the end, only submitted a few pictures.

I guess in life there's a great deal of people who only talk but never live up to their words. Though, for me, I know for sure that I don't want to be like that. i want to live to my word. Attract others who live up to theirs.

because that is how I roll.

lol

That's all for now.

Eating and sleeping... I've actually fucked up my habits a bit here and there... started taking meds again. OMG.. my eyes are so bad now. Which is really crap!

But otherwise, on the whole I'm ok. lol

Black Lisianthus x

Day 99

Feeling drained and really tired at the moment. Maybe I should just go to bed soon.

I"ve been running around all day, and reading, focused on studies, focused on my fashion stuff.. found a few editorial contacts... sent some emails, now i'm just really tired.

Really really tired.

And it's making me feel really negative at the moment. Just really drained. Starting to burn out. I feel just feel all these bad thoughts coming up to the surface. At least at this moment there's no one here so I don't have to be happy. i don't want to look at photos, or that video we did the other day. i'm just really tired. I don't want to read either.

I'm starting to really think of bad stuff. I"m getting burnt out. This sucks. There's so much i have to think about, and so much I don't actually know what I'm doing.

Everything is going really well in terms of my counselling/training/business career, but my fashion stuff, well that's a different story. I dunno when i'll be able to make clothes, or even design clothes. I kind of think to myself, do I even want to design stuff?

Do i even want to put myself in a place where it's just indulging in that sort of fashion world out there?

Or do i much prefer the stuff i do now? I mean, personally i do like training. I do like talking to people, i do like consulting people. I do like having that ability to talk someone into believing in themselves. To reaffirm certain things in their life.

I don't know.. maybe i'm just really tired. I think I will go to bed. Sleep.

Black Lisianthus x

Day 95

Emotions - Happiness,excitement, quizzical, uncertainty, puzzled, disappointed

It's already day 95, so close to one third of the year. I've been generally really happy these days. If anything it's been awesome. Getting together with friends, getting things done, working closely with work, achieving what I want, and even a small romance.

But what puzzles me at this moment, on this night is whether people truly share things with you. Only sometimes do we actually give a shared response? If that makes sense.

I guess what I mean is that, when people are generally in a low mood, they tend to pick up on low moods rather than on happier things.

I've been in a good place. Really good place. A place where people who love me reside and actively show me love. I think it's rubbing off people and it's making them approach other people more. Or to what it looks like in my own brain. LOL.

I've been studying a new psychological theory, and it's been really interesting in explaining the how people interact or make transactions with one another.

Very interesting.. thought it's really complex and is really designed for people who are quite intellectual to understand, because it's really difficult.. and so we've identified the behaviour and the patterns, how to we change it?

They focus a lot on the thesis of these "Games" and then give the anti-thesis... which still does my head in, trying to understand it. I guess, at the end of the day, if we are just adults and just respond as adults, we avoid all fights.

But, there are time when we need to feel childish, or to arise to the parent position if our friend or spouse or family member needs to be parented - as my friend wanted to sook to me because she hurt herself.

I dunno if i mentioned in the last blog.... but i got my booking for the venue for the exhibition i've been working on.. so that's mega.

i feel so much better that i'm changing my sleeping, eating and general living habits. I wake up at 8.00am every day, i try to eat as healthy as possible (although, still very little), and i'm doing more sports and getting out there.

I am starting to think about how i react to things and the kind of behaviour that i put forth. I can be quite childish... i dunno why. I don't know why i take on such a childish nature when it comes to relationships. I guess because of my inner pain? that's associated with relationships? I dunno.. well that's my question, and i know i will get my answer soon.

Black Lisianthus x